When/what age did you know?

[LuzurPhagget]

That you would die by your own hand?

I think I first thought of ctb when I was 12, but wasn't that serious. Definitely thought of it through high school around 16. But I think at around 19 is when I KNEW I didn't belong here. It was my first year at college. Was supposed to be exciting and fun etc. Too damn anxious, too damn depressed, too damn stupid. And more shit has just compiled on since then to remind me I have no business being here. I'm going to be 29 this year. Wait, scratch that. Hopefully I'll be dead before that. Just couldn't get passed that wall.

 

[fettuccinee]

I've wanted to ctb / have attempted to since I was 12; I am now 21 and I'm definitely planning before my birthday in April.
Once I received news on cancer, That was an eye opening moment and I knew I wasn't supposed to be here and that I want to ctb by my own terms.

 

[LuzurPhagget]

I've wanted to ctb / have attempted to since I was 12; I am now 21 and I'm definitely planning before my birthday in April.
Once I received news on cancer, That was an eye opening moment and I knew I wasn't supposed to be here and that I want to ctb by my own terms.

Cancer?!? At 21? Damn man. What kind?

 

[omoidarui]

I was 5-6 or so. I'm told I said things like, "life isn't right for me".

 

[alexithymia]

I knew at eighteen or nineteen, I'd say. Never thought I'd grow to be old.

 

[fettuccinee]

Cancer?!? At 21? Damn man. What kind?

pancreatic, so I go no matter what way I look at it. Father had the same; and I'll be glad to see him if I get to in the afterlife.

 

[JTG1972]

My mid/late teens. I attempted at 20, 21—jumping from a high train trestle. SI kept me from it then and really since then I've had a lingering awareness that sooner or later it would catch up with me. Now I wish I had just done it at the time.

 

[Erin Inari]

For me it was the end of middle school going into high school. Didn't really sink in until I was sophomore though. And its all been downhill from there.

 

[lofistos345]

When I was 22 and I found out who was my father.

 

[LuzurPhagget]

pancreatic, so I go no matter what way I look at it. Father had the same; and I'll be glad to see him if I get to in the afterlife.

Damn man, that's heavy. And apparently there isn't a good survival rate. Sorry mate.

Lol, if euthanasia were legal, would you accept my pancreas if I were to offer it to you?

When I was 22 and I found out who was my father.

Ooh, what's the quick story behind that?

 

[Élégie]

I first started thinking about suicide when I was 11... I knew early in life that I would either die by my own hand or in an accident, and not from old age. I've always been afraid of getting old and sick.

 

[Irishsteve88]

For me very very young I'd say about 7 after that it continued and kept going throughout my life.. multiple attempts multiple hospital wards multiple Garda (irish police) cells multiple injuries. my attempts are getting closer though Im sort of strict on my attempts I do not want to scare anyone I dont want others seeing my body as in the public eye. We all know what would kill us instantly it runs on tracks but I couldn't let others see it. Now at the age of 30 with a horrible past I mean horrible and most likely a horrible future I don't see a need for me to be here and of course I don't want to be here in this life!!

 

[LuzurPhagget]

For me very very young I'd say about 7 after that it continued and kept going throughout my life.. multiple attempts multiple hospital wards multiple Garda (irish police) cells multiple injuries. my attempts are getting closer though Im sort of strict on my attempts I do not want to scare anyone I dont want others seeing my body as in the public eye. We all know what would kill us instantly it runs on tracks but I couldn't let others see it. Now at the age of 30 with a horrible past I mean horrible and most likely a horrible future I don't see a need for me to be here and of course I don't want to be here in this life!!

Wow, 7. That's way too young :(

 

[Irishsteve88]

Wow, 7. That's way too young :(

Trust me with my past you have bin long gone I'm just unlucky and strict on my attempts. Otherwise I'd be gone years ago

 

[pandora]

7th or 8th grade for me, so 12 or 13? Since then, it's always been somewhere in my thoughts, stronger at times, but always there.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I knew three years ago that I was going to have to end my life myself to stop the physical suffering that the doctors don't know how to. Three years ago my friend with the same illness killed herself. I think this is going to be my last year.

 

[fettuccinee]

Damn man, that's heavy. And apparently there isn't a good survival rate. Sorry mate.

Lol, if euthanasia were legal, would you accept my pancreas if I were to offer it to you?

Lol, kind thought but I dont think I would if so, I'd love to see my father again if that even happens after death.

 

[deflagrat]

When I was a kid I asked about the afterlife a lot. I started being suicidal with 14 y.o. In my imagination, I "killed myself" with a handgun every day. It just get worse from that point. When I was 20 I found the PPeH for the first time, but I wasn't capable of using those methods. I lived my entire lived thinking that I would kill myself eventually, and here I am.

 

[Time_To_Die]

Wow, this is a really good question. I've always suspected that some fraction of people have been chronically suicidal for a long period of time, but I never thought to put the question in quite this way ("when did you know you would eventually kill yourself?").

I know I began having suicidal thoughts at around the age of 16, when I was in severe emotional pain. Now I'm not in severe emotional pain but I still want to ctb. My hypothesis is that once you've gone through one severe suicidal crisis, you never really get over it. Severe emotional scarring has a more long-term impact than has been generally recognized, I feel.

 

[usernameNotFound]

Some of the people in this thread started thinking about suicide really young. My heart goes out to you, thats a lot to think about as a kid.

I've always been depressed and anxious but kept my chin up. It wasn't until I turned 23 I started noticing patterns of me being actually dysfunctional that I realized that I wasn't meant to be here

 

[Rachel74]

First attempt was at 21, it was a cry for help more than anything.

 

[SlackJim]

16, though since then I have been through times where I was sure I wouldn't

My mid/late teens. I attempted at 20, 21—jumping from a high train trestle. SI kept me from it then and really since then I've had a lingering awareness that sooner or later it would catch up with me. Now I wish I had just done it at the time.

not trying to sound rude, but do you still call it an attempt if you didn't jump?

 

[blueming]

I've been depressed since I was 12, that was when I started having suicidal thoughts and made a few minor suicide attempts (impulsive things like overdosing on pills). I was 15 when I knew that this world is just not for me, which is when I started researching methods and carefully planning to ctb.

 

[Exitforme]

I knew at 21. It is professed. I must now act and fulfil destiny.

 

[JTG1972]

not trying to sound rude, but do you still call it an attempt if you didn't jump?

I would—I went there, climbed over the railing, tried to make myself jump. Regardless of if it's failure of will or failure of mechanism, it's still a failed attempt—if I hadn't gone at all, had just stayed home, then I'd not call it an attempt. But everyone might have their own line on what counts, and that's okay too.

 

[StillWaiting]

18? If I remember correctly.
It was when I realized nothing is going to change for the better and it is too tiring to stay on

 

[Lethe]

About 16. I even had a term for it, my "Will-to-Live-o-meter". I knew I never had any intention of living past 30. My college years have been super enjoyable but that's coming to an end soon, and my family will most likely back me into a corner when they realize I have no intention of getting a job. I chose my college major, Biology, for philosophical reasons and to to try to find answers, I never actually had any plans to make a career out if it.

 

[n0505]

9years old.
I am 18 years old this year, I hope to succeed ctb in December this year.

 

[BobbyPellitt]

Started around 14 when I got bullied in high school which results in social phobia and isolation. Hope it's gonna get better in college, giving my all just to barely graduate and study abroad halfway around the world. Turns out it doesn't really matter where I go, I'm still me. Almost attempted a year ago by jumping, SI kicks in and stopped me. Now I'm 21 and my worst fear is to keep on living. I wish I can overcome my SI soon and end it once and for all.

 

[clownangel]

6-7. Earlier than that there's just a lot of "I want to be gone" type stuff, when I found out people didn't just die in accidents or of old age etc. and could do it themselves I was amazed.

Didn't make plans or write a note until 5th grade, set countless dates since then.