When nobody suspects a thing…

[MeowWantsToGoHome]

Does anybody else ever think about how unsettling it is when nobody around you suspects you're about to CTB?

It's been a few months now that I've gotten truly serious about putting effort into my next—and hopefully final—attempt. My SN is nearly here and I couldn't be more relieved. But I also can't help but think about how perfectly discreet I've been to the point where nobody suspects at all what's about to happen. It's such a sad thought, how my family is none the wiser and thinks that everything is fine. It's going to be beyond shocking to them when I'm found.

I mean, my boyfriend has always known that I have severe depression, and I make passing comments about being miserable all the time. But I feel like nobody truly takes those things seriously, and not just with me. It's one thing to acknowledge and know that someone you love is severely depressed and suicidal, and it's a whole other to actually imagine for a moment that they would ever act on it.

I do feel deeply sorry for what I'm going to put them through. I keep imagining myself from their perspective, and how scary it is to realize that you never truly know someone—what's going with them, or what they're thinking. If I lost someone the same way they're about to lose me, completely unexpectedly… Devastation and whiplash don't even begin to cover the depth of what I'd feel. It almost makes me wish they knew so that they could at least be somewhat prepared. But I don't know what's worse, honestly…

 

[_Maya]

I like how i've hidden my thoughts about ctb from people. Apart for some some other SaSu friends, i don't think i'm gonna tell anyone else when i'm going to attempt ctb.
I want my last days to be no different to any other day, i don't want to be pitied just because i'm going to die. I just want to have a happy day.

 

[Jadeith]

But I feel like nobody truly takes those things seriously, and not just with me.

Same here. Basically only one person knows for sure that i want to be gone and that's because a) i said that directly, w/o any discreet speech figures, b) that person actually attempted to ctb and knows first hand what it's like to be suicidal.
Fam & colleagues on the other hand - might suspect that my mind isn't always where expected but as you said, even if they do, they don't take it seriously or don't think it's actually that severe.

 

[MeowWantsToGoHome]

I like how i've hidden my thoughts about ctb from people. Apart for some some other SaSu friends, i don't think i'm gonna tell anyone else when i'm going to attempt ctb.
I want my last days to be no different to any other day, i don't want to be pitied just because i'm going to die. I just want to have a happy day.

That's very true. I'm definitely not going to actually say anything. I agree with you in just wanting it to be no different than any other day.

 

[sunbleachedflies]

I understand how you feel. I hope everything goes according to your plan.

 

[InTheStars]

Well you can talk to your mom and dad about yout depression, at least try to seek some help.

 

[sadsoni]

My family knows but don't care. I put on a face for other people so probably noone knows although neighbors know am depressed. Playing cool and keeping up appearances is super- hard and I really wana scream my heart out most of the time.