Venting when is it gonna end?

[hosesu]

I don't know why i've been failing.. or maybe i'm just really stupid. every time i wake up, I ask myself if today is the day? I'd keep on trying til my neck hurt. but i'm still here. that still doesn't change my mind to keep on attempting. since there was this time i almost did it. unfortunately, I wasn't ready at that time so i stopped. I can do it now or tomorrow but either way, I still don't know when i will disappear. as time goes on I feel more guilty about my family and my bf :( I want all of this to be over and stop being a burden.