When did it start for you

[exhaustedmillennial]

I could have swallowed a whole bottle of pills and drank an entire bottle of alcohol tonight right before bed, and my husband wouldn't have even noticed.

He was right on the couch.

Im having one of my episodes (crying, angry bursts, and lots and lots of suicidal thoughts) that usually lasts a few days at least. His first reaction is to ask me a million questions. Do you want this do you want that do you want me to... etc. And its exhausting. I tell him no questions I dont have capacity for questions.

His next reaction is just to ignore me. Ignore the way im acting till it passes.

Yes ive told him what he should be doing. Just hold me. Tell me its going to be okay. Just fucking validate my feelings. But it doesn't matter how many times I tell him he just always does the same thing.

Even after I tried to end it all 5 years ago. Nothing has changed.

With a failed attempt in my past im afraid to try again. But the urge is getting stronger as more time passes. Last time I did not research, just swallowed all my medicine and hoped for the best. Clearly it didnt work.

I have felt this way for years. Started when I was about 16 and has just gotten worse the older I get. I thought if I got married and had a really good support system it would help. I think my mistake was assuming my husband could be my support system. I dont think he can, since after 14 years together he still has no idea or at least doesnt try to know what i need from him.

So I think its time I give up for real. But what I want to know is, when did it start for you? The real planning and not just the fantasies? And ultimately what method are you planning? I want to know where to start. I want to do it right this time.

Its not like I have to worry about waiting until im home alone to do it.

 

[here_for_now]

It started for me probably age 9 and it was only gotten much worse, I regret not catching the bus sooner because life has only shown me suffering even when my life got so bad my only dreams were to live an average life and try my best to enjoy that, doesn't work at all. It feels so shitty because I already have my bus ticket and the only reason I keep hesitating is my family but idk I feel like i should just ctb because there's genuinely no hope that my life won't be complete suffering just need to find the strength to go through with it.

I've been isolated for months now and while I still talk regularly to people I love, most of the day I'm alone forced to deal with the reality of my life, even if it could hypothetically get 'better' which it 99.99% won't through no fault of my own, do I have any energy to try again?

I really am running on empty but I've been dragging my feet basically for the sake of my family, but it's so depressing to be pushed in a corner and you literally know it's by design from evil people (if you can even call them people, I guess they are technically people but they literally embody the seven deadly sins, and they make the humanity look bad)

But nonetheless it's crazy to be aware of the intentional corner pushing because they want to manufacture their nessscity and look like the good guys ha what a sad joke, at least I'm not them, it's pretty sad how they've brainwashed themselves into thinking that any of this is ok, but honestly it reminds me that I'm a decent person who tried their best, because when I have self doubt I compare myself to the textbook version of evil which they embody and I'm pretty sure they are proud of it, such self delusion is on one hand surprising and on the other hand pitiful.

I wonder sometimes, who hurt them to be so callous and cruel?

 

[DeadManLiving]

It all began at 9:59 AM on a Tuesday morning in May 2020

 

[FuneralCry]

For me I've always and only ever wanted true permanent peace from this torturous and dreadful existence that I just always saw as the most cruel mistake, no matter what only non-existence could ever be positive for me, all that existence ever does is just cause harm and suffering with no limit as to how much one can be tortured.

I always suffer so much from how humans have made dying painlessly illegal, there's just so much terrible cruelty in how I cannot just access Nembutal so finally I can be free from the torture of existing, all I want is to never suffer ever again, to be trapped in this existence that never should had been imposed will always feel like the most terrible, undeserved punishment to me.

 

[PanaxMan]

I could have swallowed a whole bottle of pills and drank an entire bottle of alcohol tonight right before bed, and my husband wouldn't have even noticed.

He was right on the couch.

Im having one of my episodes (crying, angry bursts, and lots and lots of suicidal thoughts) that usually lasts a few days at least. His first reaction is to ask me a million questions. Do you want this do you want that do you want me to... etc. And its exhausting. I tell him no questions I dont have capacity for questions.

His next reaction is just to ignore me. Ignore the way im acting till it passes.

Yes ive told him what he should be doing. Just hold me. Tell me its going to be okay. Just fucking validate my feelings. But it doesn't matter how many times I tell him he just always does the same thing.

Even after I tried to end it all 5 years ago. Nothing has changed.

With a failed attempt in my past im afraid to try again. But the urge is getting stronger as more time passes. Last time I did not research, just swallowed all my medicine and hoped for the best. Clearly it didnt work.

I have felt this way for years. Started when I was about 16 and has just gotten worse the older I get. I thought if I got married and had a really good support system it would help. I think my mistake was assuming my husband could be my support system. I dont think he can, since after 14 years together he still has no idea or at least doesnt try to know what i need from him.

So I think its time I give up for real. But what I want to know is, when did it start for you? The real planning and not just the fantasies? And ultimately what method are you planning? I want to know where to start. I want to do it right this time.

Its not like I have to worry about waiting until im home alone to do it.

13 and it was cutting and then thinking about the stigma stopped me.