Venting When did it all started for you?

[mlcs]

I talk and read a lot about experiences of friends and other people and even when we find common background and the other person thinks we have the same problem, I still don't feel it like we are on the same ground. I never felt deppression before they drugged me with antipsychotics. They destroyed my dopamine and serotonine and that threw me in a vicious cycle of improvising life I always wanted, fully aware that I'll never be able to experience it like normal people do. Before antipsychotics I wasn't any kind of special or smart kid, I just remember I loved life and never had any thought of suicide. I was stressed, had psychotic episodes etc., but never had any idea how can one become suicidal. Like just live life how it is. Than it all started. I lost my personality, completely lost control of my life and never felt true happiness again. And it all happened so fast and early, before I even managed to find first friends, first love and other experiences in that age. I just became a zombie and never got a chance to experience adult life through the eyes of non suicidal person. So I was wondering, how does a person without changed brain chemistry become suicidal? I had abusive parents and unhealthy environment, and many other problems too, but suicide came across my mind only after antipsychotics took away my personality, only after something unnatural invaded my brain and made me stop loving myself, and took away all the hope. How does the same thing happen to someone who was not fed with medications?

 

[Forever Sleep]

I guess everyone experiences their ideation differently. I was 10 when I first had suicidal thoughts. They were in response to my life situation at that point: plenty of deaths of close family members and being in contact with a (suspected) narcissist. So- nothing to do with medication. I'm not even absolutely sure I was depressed at that point. I just felt very deep grief and I felt scared and trapped and so desperately unhappy at times. I just felt like death looked more appealing than life really. I think I have experienced depression though. When I was working in retail. I guess since then though- there's been ups and downs. Ideation has always been there though. I guess because it happened so early on though for me- there doesn't really seem to be so much of a before and after in terms of mindset. This has always just felt like my normal.

I feel so bad for people who trusted the medication/ treatment they were given and ended up worse off. It makes you really distrust the whole mental healthcare business really.

 

[mlcs]

I never trusted medication. They forced me because I was underage and they wrote that my refusal of meds was another sign of delusion and psychosis. Got of when it was too late. Couple of years later I still can't accept everything turned out that way. I also had traumatic experiences like being abused and experiencing death of a family member, but I never lost my mind to the point I became deppressed. Even as adolescent I still cherised life and found a way to cope with everything. Meds changed ghe way I think and function.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that wanting suicide is a perfectly logical response to existing in such an harmful and dreadful world where there's unlimited potential to suffer, I could never see existing as being desirable, or appealing and I could never see a point to any of this, the thing that I have a problem with is existence in itself.

We are just waiting to die, destined to be tortured by old age and such a thing disturbs me, existence just repluses me in general and I just see the existence of life as being a horrific mistake, death is the only relief, it comforts me the thought of permanently ceasing to exist. There was never any hope, in my case I have awareness of how hellish this reality is, to me it's always preferable to not exist, I think the true irrational thing is wishing to delay the inevitable. And anyway suicide is the best way to die, as it's the way for one to take control over when they leave, I would prefer to die on my own terms.

 

[NoReasonToLive2023]

It's grown on me since adulthood. Constantly failing at everything I try, being treated so cruelly by a system that is deliberately designed to be difficult for anyone who doesn't 'fit in', yet being expected to take part in that system.

 

[MrDarkness]

For me it started when I was 14, in junior high grade 7 my friend at the time dated a girl that I had feelings for, being a idiot kid with bpd, I insulted and harassed him for days on end, after I snapped out of it, I've been feeling that Shame for years, and he's not the only I've failed or let down so many people, some times I truly feel I deserve death. I'm fucking cursed, I have such a big heart at times but I can be the most awful person around. I wish I could live alone and not harm anything or anyone with what I might say, fuck I wish I could forget everything

 

[Gonnerr]

As soon as i realized i was alive around 5 or 6 , i said omg what am i doing here , wtf , somebody get me out of here.

Was is that shit i was born into , its not worth the trouble , really , pain , suffering, disease, i am in hell or what , even the good times i had doesnt make it for that , far from it.

We are all the result of the selfish dick move from our parents, what a shame.

 

[CTB Dream]

Bfr injury damage say ctb aftr injury damage say ctb, diff ppl diff prsn all say ctb, me now injury damage wat start time injury damage ,dead prsn die no know time wat ctb