Discussion What's your story?

[Pessimist]

What led you to this point of being suicidal and unhappy? When did it start?

 

[motob]

I had my first thoughts when I was 7. I heard family laughing in the other room, and I realized that the world spins by happier without my involvement. Ever since then, I've been trying to fight against those thoughts. But they've never gone away for too long. At least I can try to reach out to others online feeling the same :^(

 

[UnrepentantSunrise]

I think I was about 12, realized there just kind of wasn't anything there for me

trying to get better

 

[Joker2003]

I have always been a socially anxious loner. During my first 2 weeks of high school, my "friends" began to make fun of everything I did. They made fun of the way I talked, the things I liked, and insinuated that I was gay. I missed about 2 months of school after that and ended up in an alternative classroom. It has been seven years since then, and I now generally try to avoid people.

It also turns out that I'm Autistic (officially diagnosed 2 years ago), so interacting with others is very difficult. I am currently a NEET and don't see my life getting better. I am incredibly lonely and recently discovered that I may have a neurodegenerative disease.

Basically, everything that could go wrong in my life did.

 

[divinemistress87]

36 years old Depression since childhood then 6 years ago was assaulted and had a stroke then a few years after had electroshock therapy which gave me more brain damage. Can't handle the treatment resistant depression and brain damage

 

[saliva65]

there's really no point in living. what do we suffer for..? and what do we work hard for, if all the end none of us will be alive to enjoy the thigns we worked for.. i do not have friends nor family. im all alone in the world and it is cold.. and if only i would have the warm hand of someone else to hold.. i haven't found anyone yet, and that is okay too... some people are just not meant to be alive.. like me.. :,)

 

[Promised Heaven]

I suffered from SA since at least 9 and suicidal at 12. Was hospitalized and forced into therapy where they thought I had depression. Since it was forced I had severe trust issues, actually did become depressed, and felt trapped even in treatment which hindered and even destroyed my few friendships due to how emotionally unstable I've become.
I lost my sense of trust, identity, and confidence. And never felt so alone.
My depression was treated via other means, but now suffering from trauma and emotional overwhelm due to the 6 years of forced treatment and untreated SA. Kinda ironic in a way...

 

[Mr.Tristesse]

I done had a sad and want to die.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Nice try, undercover journalists.

 

[kotonearisato]

I was 8. My parents had just divorced, and due to school I was going to live mostly with my mother. Unfortunately my father did not realize that when he wasn't around, she was terribly abusive. So it started then but I didn't really understand it fully, why I wanted to disappear. Then fairly soon after their divorce, I became a victim of CSA that was happening on a regular basis. The desire to CTB hasn't gone away since.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

Mid 20's. Things started going wrong professionally/financially and I thought "right, if this doesnt work, ready or not, here I come". I was the only one in my friend group at the time that got sacked, so it was a pretty painful blow.
Late 20's. I looked back and thought "crap, might as well quit while I am ahead", things were going relatively good, had a (what i thought then) good partner, financially it was ok, we started living together and I had a job that I liked, but i was restless and bored and still couldnt get over the mid 20's events.
Late 30's- Early 40's (current) Things started going downhill again and as I am the common denominator in it, i came to the conclusion that I couldnt change anymore even if I held a gun to my head, so i'd just embrace it. That's when i started looking into methods, etc and joined up.

 

[heisenberg]

i've been feeling depressed since 11 and suicidal since 13. my first and only attempt was at 15 years old. my stepbrother lived with us at the time and was on multiple medications for all sorts of mental health issues. i took all of them. i started feeling sweaty, light headed, and tachycardic. i had a tumblr account then and was posting about it. some lady convinced me to tell my parents, she sent me a picture of her brother in the hospital after he overdosed as well. when my mom and i got to the hospital i lost consciousness. i recently turned 20 and never really stopped feeling suicidal since.

 

[BlessedBeTheFlame]

Three letter agent glow so bright.

 

[SMmetalhead36]

I've been troubled since I was 16 and dealing with physical, mental and sexual abuse. I was never raised by either parent, but instead I was adopted and after they could no longer care for me, i went to foster care. Thats where everything went downhill. I was in 7 different foster homes where I was near raped in one and endured physical sexual, and emotional abuse. Then when they placed me permanently, the hell continued. When I turned 17, I saw an escape route after meeting a much older man and I left the place ( I refuse to call home) I resided. Long story short, I went from one fucked up situation to an even more fucked up one, winded up have 2 children with him and marrying him. He was abusive, his mom coddled him, his brother was a sex offender, the while family is sick with the exception of his 3 nieces. Back then I took a half bottle of asprin, muscle relaxers, and drank liquor behind it. Fast forward, I remarried and had another child, trying to make the best of everything despite not truly healing, and the regret and shame is getting the best of me causing me to drink and get high. This is my story.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I just have awareness of how truly undesirable existence is, I could never be delusional enough to wish to suffer for decades just to be tormented by very old age in this cruel and futile existence.
No matter what existence will always be an abomination so only wishing for death makes sense to me, I see suicide as very rational to prevent all future unnecessary suffering in this existence where there is no limit as to how much agony one can feel. In this reality the whole idea of "happiness" is so incredibly delusional, one would have to be insane to be "happy" with something so harmful and pointless as existence.
Regardless of the circumstances I'd always prefer to not exist but of course the only true perfection lies in never existing at all which is why it's so tragic to me how humans so selfishly procreate even know existence is literally nothing but suffering. It's disgusting how others have to suffer so unnecessarily all because of their selfishness, to me imposing existence in the first place is a crime.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I don't really have a story. I was just born disadvantaged via autism and I don't have things that give me pleasure. Music or TV shows or movies don't really work on me and I haven't really interacted with anybody irl unless if it's with family. Existence just simply isn't for me and never was as I'm too mentally weak to deal with the suffering and hardships of the world

 

[Heartaches]

I think I was 10 or 11. I was emotionally neglected growing up and I suspect I have an undiagnosed neurodevelopmental disorder, which made any form of connection or interaction very difficult; but things turned for the worse when I began looking for friendships online and became a victim of grooming and abuse until adulthoood.

I've never had any serious suicide attempts but I've had to drop out of school and lose many relationships due to prolonged depressive-suicidal periods. Was diagnosed with PDD and GAD at 16-17 and was prescribed antidepressives. However, I never felt they did much; I dont know if I was resistant to the medication or I was developing dependency and the effect was wearing off. I've gone to multiple therapists but I feel I've never been able to sense stability in my life for a prolonged period of time.

I've changed but everything still feels so hard, so painful. I have very little hope for my future, I can't imagine my life in 10 year cause I don't imagine myself being alive anymore.​

 

[thegoldengirls]

Intrusive thoughts, severe depression, relationship failures, my mom passing years ago, getting abandoned by freinds.
I just got abandoned/ ghosted by a man I knew for 5 years for whom I thought was a good friend and romantic interest, he met someone he saw suitable as a girlfriend.
So, now I'm down to zero freinds.
I would think I have a high level of self awareness, but I think it's because of my shyness, walls up, as to why I can never maintain a romantic relationship or friendship. I think it turns ppl off. I truly dunno.
That's part of the Intrusive thoughts that consumes me daily. I wish I could find this out before ending my life for closure.
In addition to that I've had severe depression ever since I was a child and have been severely bullied as a child to the point of having severe anxiousness around ppl. I control that better now, or mask better as an adult to seem normal. I feel like an alien amongst humans.
I'm in my thirties now and just don't see things getting better and can't bear another month.

 

[cold_severance]

lifelong family neglect and abuse left me permanently fucked up in the head. i never had any relation to other people, so best i can do is a shitty imitation of life. i feel like a slave even though now i have no people around, that shit in my head does not end.

 

[SoulofSteel]

My first love left me months ago, she was my first everything and so was I. We were planning to get married, I do have some hope that we might reunite, that's about what keeps me afloat, however I would not be able to stomach seeing another man living the life I always planned and being intimate with her. That thought is just extremely traumatizing and painful to me.

 

[Pessimist]

I appreciate the serious answers here.

 

[notforl0ng]

SA through most of my childhood. The first time I saw my mother attempt suicide I was six, walked in on her cutting her wrists. A few weeks later went upstairs to brush my teeth, slipped on her blood and hit my head off the tile floor as she had cut her wrists in the tub and left a trail going into bed. There were many more, my parents ended up separating about a year after that and I was stuck with my borderline personality disorder mother going through every drug and man she could find at bars. Found her hanging, she thought she had cancer one time and I walked into the kitchen to see her stabbing herself with a steak knife to "cut the cancer out", she tried cutting her throat. Lots of shit. That and the SA led to me developing serious disorders, never being able to make friends, dropping out of school officially at age 15 (though I started missing most of my classes in 7th grade) and my mom finally caught the bus when I was 17. I don't remember any of the good things in my childhood, even though I keep getting told there were lots of them. That was almost 7 years ago now and I've been suffering with cPTSD and bipolar, and I think a few other things I'm trying to get diagnosed with.

I've been in love, moved away to try starting a new life somewhere else with my ex girlfriend. Got the dog, apartment, new job, independence but I really can't run away from my problems as much as I wish I could. I ruined that relationship and still have trouble moving past it.

I know people who had it worse growing up and they still keep fighting and bettering themselves and I wish I was that strong. I've completely withdrawn socially and stopped going to work. I message my sister once a month but none of us are the same anymore. I don't recognize anybody I know, including myself. I just sit in bed all day trying to find a way out.

 

[Account4521]

I have alot of health issues and im so young. When life feels like a constant battle its not possible to exist without thinking about suicide and planning it out

 

[DecisionToLeave]

I have been conditionally admitted to Tsinghua University for a master's degree, the top university in China. However, I lost the opportunity for admission due to just one stupid mistake. I felt regretful and hated myself. I consider myself a meticulous and diligent person, but the fate changed drastically due to just one small mistake. This feeling is like going from heaven to hell, and I cannot bear such a drastic change. It was that time I realized I was worthless, believing I could do nothing but study, and even my academic life fell apart.
It's quite challenging to stand out in China, a competitive country with numerous diligent individuals where every young person works extremely hard. Despite our best efforts to change and improve our lives, we often find ourselves back at square one, unable to alter our destiny. I feel a strong sense of emptiness. Despite attending a prestigious university, it feels like I'm only alive for the pursuit of fame and fortune. In the process, I've lost the joy of youth and love, and life has become extremely dull. I'm unable to appreciate the beauty of life. Moreover, I've come to realize that my life will consist of 80% pain and 20% happiness. If suffering dominates life, then is there still meaning in living?
I've been listening to a song by Lana Del Rey a lot these days: Happiness is a butterfly, Try to catch it like every night, It escapes from my hands into moonlight

 

[sserafim]

It's a long story...

 

[Pessimist]

It's a long story...

That's okay.

 

[bonkers570]

What led you to this point of being suicidal and unhappy? When did it start?

15 months ago, at age 27. Was prescribed ANTIPSYCHOTICS (POISONS) for an acute psychotic episode.

Since then my life got destroyed. Mental health went downhill and my looks got damaged, distorted. Self esteem was completely shot due to that.

I feel like I dont wanna live anymore after being destroyed by these nazi psychiatrists.

Was formerly fit, athletic, attractive, happy, now just miserable.

 

[Ulrich]

Inevitable cognitive decline. I constructed my world on the basis of my intellect, which has failed me in the end. I can't even form a sentence in my head without incurring a throbbing headache. It was partly due to the neglect in my education as a child, but now mainly derives from my own laziness. I wish I could read again, but I'm just too tired. My head still hurts.

 

[xmissellax]

I had my first thoughts when I was 7. I heard family laughing in the other room, and I realized that the world spins by happier without my involvement. Ever since then, I've been trying to fight against those thoughts. But they've never gone away for too long. At least I can try to reach out to others online feeling the same :^(

Holy crap, I could've written this myself! I'm so sorry you have experienced these traumatising feelings too. When I was a kid I would frequently think how if I wasn't here or involved, it would be better, or no different, I don't bring anything to the table. I've always felt like a little piece of shit in the corner that no one really notices. Even since then, making myself more actively involved and masking like hell, I still feel like that. Thise heavy feeling haven't really ever left since.

 

[lotheb_5drop]

I cannot make anything out of the good opportunities I am given. 0 bad event or anything besides mundane upbringing with loving family. The common denominator in all the struggles is usually me so offing myself seems logical atp.