Whats the thing you guys feel most guilty for?

[Thingsneverchange]

I'll go first. I feel guilty for the death of a friend of mine. I feel like if I had just been there for her more I could have saved her.

What about you?

 

[Under The Graveyard]

Your story is the same as mine, but under different circumstances. I feel I could have prevented her death, but deep down, I know there was nothing I could do. But to this day, it still slowly kills me.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Not being strong enough to be of benefit to others.

 

[deflationary]

Mine's not failing to have saved someone but failing to have made their life better while they were still here.

 

[motel rooms]

I notice that I make grammatical mistake in post yester day

 

[OrcWitch]

I regret telling someone to kill themselves in a rush of anger many years ago. I wish I could take that back. I don't experience guilt very often.

 

[Makko]

Feeling guilty about being born human. I regret this mistake.

 

[Thingsneverchange]

I regret telling someone to kill themselves in a rush of anger many years ago. I wish I could take that back. I don't experience guilt very often.

Did they do it? You don't have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

Taking meds that messed up my brain and my hormones, out of pure vanity. Feel free to draw conclusions but don't ask me for details. My guilt is so pressing I'm unable to open up about it. Being vague is the only way I can face the absurdity of it all.

 

[SentientCreature]

Mine's not failing to have saved someone but failing to have made their life better while they were still here.

Same. I had a very close friend on here but I was always busy trying to do something productive with my life and never had enough time for him. Now I've given up on my life completely and all I wish is to have him back and play another game with him and fool around. Good memories... It's the only valuable realtionship I've ever had and I was so reckless and took it for granted.

I mean I just selfishly want to rid myself of guilt but to him it doesn't matter anymore.

 

[motel rooms]

I've written about this before on here. Centuries ago my ex married a woman, but he still kept trying to get me to fuck him, which I eventually agreed to do because I loved him (in my stunted & delusional way; we were never truly intimate). He cheated on her with me for about two years & then he dumped me for another guy, someone he knew I liked. I decided to ruin his childless marriage by showing his wife proof that he was a bisexual whore, she told all of his str8 friends & religious family, & he jumped from a balcony on the 19th floor of a hotel.

I'm still mad at myself for letting him manipulate me just because he looked good. He couldn't handle the fact that he needed to be sexually submissive because he believed that big, "real" men like him aren't allowed to do that. He took it out on me (& his wife, as I found out) by being verbally & even physically abusive, but each punch was always followed by a kiss. He was a violent, arrogant, shallow bastard, & I really shouldn't feel guilty, but I still do. Thank you, brain, for being an asshole & making me see him as a martyr in my nightmares.

My life has been extremely eventful, I have to give it that. I'm reminded of that Chinese curse - "May you live in interesting/eventful times!" If I read a novel about my life, I'd dismiss it as laughably over-the-top & contrived. Truth is more disgusting than fiction...

 

[Makko]

My life has been extremely eventful, I have to give it that.

There's a lot of truth to the saying that you feel more regret about things you didn't do than the things you did. I've never turned down an opportunity to do something that excited me, and even for the things that turned out poorly I feel disappointment but not regret. When you reflect on it later you realise that you handled in a way that is essentially yours and there was really nothing different you could or would have done from your own first-person perspective, even if the hindsight-observer-you can come up with a long list of more "rational" options.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

For being a burden.

Also for dumping an ex years ago because of how distraught he was when I did. But I'm trying to get over that because he was unsupportive of me when I was suffering psychotic breaks and fainting fits by telling me to do the shopping and refusing to help me with anything. He had it in his head that I just had 'eczema and an iron deficiency'.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not feel that much guilt. Yes, I have made many mistakes and have done things that I regret but at the time I did not know any better and I thought what I was doing was for the best. Sometimes as humans we do things out of impulse. Maybe I feel guilty for acting horribly towards others in the past and I did not have the chance to apologise. But at the time I was very stressed and overwhelmed and that can push people over the edge.

 

[oliviahurts]

As a teenager, I tortured animals (2 cats and a dog). The one I feel most bad about is the last cat who was already depressed but my actions likely gave him ptsd. Makes me feel horrible. I haven't done anything like it in 4 years. But I still need to be wary that I don't fall back into old habits.

 

[motel rooms]

There's a lot of truth to the saying that you feel more regret about things you didn't do than the things you did. I've never turned down an opportunity to do something that excited me, and even for the things that turned out poorly I feel disappointment but not regret. When you reflect on it later you realise that you handled in a way that is essentially yours and there was really nothing different you could or would have done from your own first-person perspective, even if the hindsight-observer-you can come up with a long list of more "rational" options.

If such a thing is possible, I think I don't feel regret, but I do feel guilt. His wife actually thanked me about five years after his death; she'd started a family with a decent guy. If he hadn't killed himself, I'm sure he would have weaseled his way back into my life. There's no way I would've been able to resist him, he was a truly shameless whore immune to physical pain. He was vain af, so he would still be in shape in his 40s, eager to fuck with my poor head.

I know that he hated me because I always needed to be in control in bed & he actually loved that, I know that he was aware I was starved for affection & that he used that fact as a weapon against me (he ridiculed me for wanting to kiss & hold him, everything had to be animalistic), I know that we had really nasty physical fights (the fucker once stabbed me in the arm with a fork), but in my dreams/nightmares he's bathed in fucking white light, all gentle smiles & hugs. It's revolting.

 

[SleepDealer]

I can't seem to remember my regrets until I'm trying to sleep. I'm sure there are plenty, but which ones are worth going back to change?

I think... I feel most guilty for the fact that I will leave behind one genuinely good friend when I CTB.

I started tearing up before I finished writing that sentence. It's been awhile since I cried, so I guess I hit the nail on the head. I wish I didn't have to hurt her. She needs a real friend.

 

[lofticries]

Wasted time and wasted youth.

I also feel especially guilty hearing all these stories about people born with terrible health problems and wanting nothing more than to operate like a normal human. Yes, I'm mentally fucked but at least I'm still in decent health. And the small health problems I do suffer from can be fixed with proper diet and a trip to a professional to get whatever ales me fixed in one day.

 

[existtosuffer]

Inheriting an incurable mental illness & seeing how it's made my life so self destructive.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

When you reflect on it later you realise that you handled in a way that is essentially yours and there was really nothing different you could or would have done from your own first-person perspective, even if the hindsight-observer-you can come up with a long list of more "rational" options.

I do agree with @Makko. Doing things the way you did, and not in any other way, is a mitigating circumstance that lessens the culpability you may feel about your act. What I wrote back there is not entirely true, or at least it's not complete. While I do feel tremendous regret for doing what I did, I also see (and always did) that there could have been no other way for me to act in that exact set of circumstances, with the exact same mindset I possessed at that exact moment in time. As one friend pointed out to me: "You tried to do what you thought was best for you." On some level I am aware I'm not the one to blame. I followed my inclinations and was true to myself. Consequences didn't dictate my course of action.

My life has been extremely eventful, I have to give it that.

I've never turned down an opportunity to do something that excited me

I'm obviously a very different type of person than you two. My life has not been eventful nor have I embraced many opportunities to fulfill my desires. I've been a coward, hiding, most of my life.

If I read a novel about my life, I'd dismiss it as laughably over-the-top & contrived. Truth is more disgusting than fiction...

My life would read more as a Beckettian novel, full of repeting phrases and actions, contrast conjunctions, nondescript and surreal settings, non-sequiturs and talking to imaginary audiences, almost as a form of seeking approval for my own actions by a kind of standardized model of what a normal person is.

I'm reminded of that Chinese curse - "May you live in interesting/eventful times!"

I don't know which is worse. To have many things, progressively increasing the danger of being hurt, or to have nothing and be forced to imagine them, regressing into a safe, shapeless world without excitment.

 

[motel rooms]

I'm obviously a very different type of person than you two. My life has not been eventful nor have I embraced many opportunities to fulfill my desires. I've been a coward, hiding, most of my life.

I certainly don't feel terribly brave. I'm as afraid of failing & being rejected as the next guy. I don't courageously choose to take risks, my behavior is purely compulsive. It may seem like I'm chasing after things (well, men), but I'm actually perpetually (& uselessly) trying to run away from my traumas.

My life would read more as a Beckettian novel, full of repeting phrases and actions, contrast conjunctions, nondescript settings, non-sequiturs and talking to imaginary audiences, almost as a form of seeking approval for my own actions by a kind of standardized model of what a normal person is.

I've got the repeating phrases & actions part down cold, addiction to sex & porn. And I seek approval from an imaginary audience in my head. I'm obsessed with masculinity/control. I look & sound & act like a "real"/"masculine" man, everybody treats me like a "real" man, why the fuck can't I feel like one? How many people do I have to fuck? When do I get to stop feeling like a helpless, brutalized boy? When will the imaginary audience in my head reward me with an applause? I guess never. Probably because it actually consists of just one person - my father.

 

[OrcWitch]

Did they do it? You don't have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable

No.

 

[WrongPlaceWrongTime]

Being incapable of being productive to my family.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Letting my family down and just how useless I am in general. I'm a lot like my father, but in none of the good ways. He's resourceful, headstrong, and has a great work ethic. I feel like I'm just bumbling around wasting my time in life. I can't figure anything out for myself. I've had no success in anything, and I'm just a total fuck up (one who's now chronically ill on top of it all).

 

[Phosphophyllite]

I wish I answered her. I wish I didn't make her cry.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

I look & sound & act like a "real"/"masculine" man, everybody treats me like a "real" man, why the fuck can't I feel like one? How many people do I have to fuck?

When do I get to stop feeling like a helpless, brutalized boy?

First off, good morning :)
You weren't kidding. There is so much cognitive dissonance and emotional ambiguity happening in this transition, no novel can do it justice. It's a sublimation of every: "It's revolting, I'm revolting, it's digusting, I'm disgusting" etc. discourse you ever tried to communicate. I won't dwell on it. I know your story. An extreme negative capsized into the positive, as Kafka put it. No matter which way you're headed, past or future, you are facing the wrong direction. Every step forward is backtracking. Every step backward is tagging the path ahead.

However improbable it may be, I hope you find a way out of this loop.

 

[Shadowplay]

Not utilising my potential. I wish I wasn't so fucked up so I could be so much more. Hopefully soon I will be so much less. F

 

[motel rooms]

However improbable it may be, I hope you find a way out of this loop.

I should probably just shut up & be grateful that I've stumbled upon a guy I can cry with. It's highly improbable that we'll save each other, but it feels good to take care of someone.

 

[stygal]

I'm happy to be blessed with a very flexible way of justifying everything I do so that I never feel guilty (for long) when it comes to human interaction.

(Ghosting makes me feel uneasy though - but I ignore that feeling and move on)

The only times I ever felt guilty was when others found out I lied about stuff, haha. But like I said - only temporarily - then my mind goes back to justifying why I "had" to do it.

I definitely have some sort of mental problem.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

I should probably just shut up & be grateful that I've stumbled upon a guy I can cry with. It's highly improbable that we'll save each other, but it feels good to take care of someone.

I think you should shut up about shutting up After all this heavy, thought-provoking introspective diving into a beastiary of personal demons you're guilt tripping about talking. You did that once before, you know? Something about not wanting to seem boastful for having found someone, as to not hurt our feelings.
Man, just shut up and keep talking :)

The only, only, valid reason to shut up is if you start to feel trapped by repetition. I often feel this way. Some things, both good and bad, lose their energy and die out when articulated, others feed on it.
Also, when talking about a certain good thing that happened to me I often feel like I'm turning all its potential for natural development into a narrowing predicament. Like I'm making a promise to myself that I'm not sure I can keep, like giving birth to an idea way prematurely, only to find myself watching it incubated, wondering if it will survive. Obligation and uncertainty makes for a lousy couple.
Maybe it is true, some things are better left unsaid and being savored in silence.

I don't know where I'm going with this. Maybe I should shut up :)

Anyway, I'm happy for you, and for your partner. You speak gently about him. You just continue to care about him. Who knows what the future will bring? I wish you only the best, my friend.