Discussion What’s stopping you from ctb?

[whywere]

For me, after 2 attempts, and now with 24/7 chronic pain, I am determined to live and help others as much as I can.

It is a challenge for me, as my depression, BPD, everything this time around is NOT going to get the best of me.

Lots of well wishes, love, and hugs to everyone here always.

Walter

 

[kinderbueno]

Procrastination? It needs to be perfect, no chance for errors. I need to be 200% sure that it'll work. Or maybe I'm just fooling myself, that I don't really want to ctb.

This is relatable. I need to make sure nobody will be searching for me for a while and also my suicide notes need to be perfect too. I need to make sure I'm communicating everything I want to say and I'm not missing out anything

 

[Willowherb]

Fearing that my SN would be confiscated and get me into a hell lot of trouble.
My country sure knows how to keep it's citizens in paranoia.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I don't have access to a peaceful way out of here. All of the methods that I can access are painful and risky. I get scared of the suicide attempt failing and giving me a worse quality of life. Additionally, I'm also being kept on watch by parents 24/7. I can't go outside without their permission nor can I sneak out as they are super light sleepers and can hear me at night. If I could access a painless suicide method, I'd be dead already. I'm only alive because it's difficult for me to kill myself

 

[pulmonarydead]

so truee lol i love caitlyn

omg me too she looks soo good in the trailer ill be so mad if i die from health complications before then

 

[zerocontrol]

Aside from all the SI and failure concerns, I also fear the responsibility of causing trauma to those who are close to me, because I know there are people who will be greatly affected by my passing. My family had already experienced an unexpected death of my brother when he was a teen (not sure whether it was a suicide or fatal accident, as nobody has ever told me). I don't know if they would be able to live through a self-inflicted death of another of their sons that they had high hopes for.

But ultimately - I really shouldn't care.

 

[rednights]

I'm holding out to get SN, but it's been difficult and I haven't found any yet. I am willing to try other methods, but I'm not so sure any of them are that easy to execute. Some probably aren't feasible at all for me.

Really, it's been difficult to find the energy to work on this when I'm busy with other things in my life. It's quite ironic though, since if I figured out how to ctb then I wouldn't have to deal with the other stuff anymore.

 

[@Benadryl]

The method I initially chose (partial hanging) would be really violent, and I don't want my younger brother or my mom to have to find me in that state, so I'll have to run away if I do, but then I'll have to fully hang if I try (like from a tree for example). I'll probably attempt an OD on Benadryl in the woods outside at this point, or drown mysef in the bathtub

 

[emma99]

hope, but its quickly fading

 

[Anonslostsoul]

A couple lame excuses: not living on my own and a lack of resources. I'm not keen on someone here finding my body, but more of needing it to be perfect because it'll be worse if i slip up and get sent away somewhere. Plus a fear of what's on the other side, if there is anything. SI messed me up the last few times too.

 

[兎の耳]

Shipping times, and tidying up loose ends mostly. I want to make sure my cat has a good home with someone I trust. Hard to to get that settled without someone figuring out you're suicidal.

 

[Uninfluential_Karma]

Not much is keeping me here anymore tbh. I think I still have hope that something good will happen this week and I want to give myself more time to seriously think about it. I'm not going to change my mind, but I just want to make sure I'm truly ready. If I survive, a very important surgery will be rescheduled again and I don't want to live while waiting any longer.

 

[Kurai]

I really want to die, but I'm afraid of failing and I'm constantly on watch by my parents so it makes it difficult for me to kill myself.

 

[dwl30]

Hey so i've had my ups and downs, tried catching the bus a couple of times (failed mostly due to SI). I've been wondering what are the things that keep me alive, keep me from finally going through, and I'd say that the main reason is my family and not wanting to disappoint them.

How about you? Why don't you ctb now? What's stopping you?

Fear of failure. No fear of death. To me, by what I have searched, those who have come close to death or maybe experienced it but were resuscitated, they felt complete peace. Black and nothingness but complete peace. To me that is as calming as dream free night. What I would give for dream free nights, to make it hours a day without dark thoughts, depressing thoughts, and without judgement from myself and others. So fear of a failed attempt, I have already had one failed attempt and to be close to that peace again but end up still stuck in this existence, that is what keeps stopping me. I want to make sure I have a completely guaranteed way out!

 

[GetReadyy]

Frankly it still hasn't stopped and I'm thinking about it But I'm afraid of blood and pain

 

[Zhendou]

My family and the fact that they would find me before I could successfully CBT. I need to wait until they leave me alone first and then I could CBT. However, they do not have plans that would leave me alone so far. I may have to wait awhile before I could CBT. I also have SI too. If my family doesn't stop me then SI certainly would.

 

[hereornot]

Procrastination? It needs to be perfect, no chance for errors. I need to be 200% sure that it'll work. Or maybe I'm just fooling myself, that I don't really want to ctb.

Procastination for me, time to think about this....

 

[VoidedExistence]

Inconvenience and my lazy, burnt out ass

 

[N33dT0D13]

Dogs, friends, neighbors. So I won't ctb, just silently detach and suffer until I die, hoping to expedite the process wherever I can.

 

[mrtime87]

Pain. I have no reliable way of shooting myself and can't hang myself. My family is already against it and I don't have anyone to confide in.

 

[SentimentalTrip]

Cowardice and fear of going to hell.

 

[girlwitharose]

I have tried to ctb a few times. I knew, though, that I never wanted to die. I just hate some things that have happened in my life. I have an ED, depression, and those really fuck with my head. I know that even though it is difficult and may never get easier, i still have to try. I never thought i would make it to 13, then 14, then 16. Still, here I am, years later. I do want a family and I do want to be in a relationship I am happy in. How can I do that if i am dead? "Nobody likes me/loves me" Not true. I used to think I was the most hideous person in the world. but i got more confident eventually and people started liking me. Some of my friends have depression and are like the way i used to be. They say they hate themselves and are so ugly but I look at them and only see perfection. "I know i am not perfection" only because you are not allowing yourself to be perceived that way.

 

[fishlover]

its changed a lot but currently its my desire to plan a "perfect death" thats holding me back. i realized that i cant end it (at least, not in a planned way) until i feel like ive experienced what i possibly can from life. i will never be happy with myself, who i am, and how i live- but there are at least some things i can do that temporarily bring me happiness, and when i have nothing else i will at least be able to think back fondly on those memories.
my perfect death involves some time to save up for the expenses of these experiences, as well as my actual method of death. either here in my home state or some other country- but i will be the most comfortable i can possibly be, concluded with a nice peaceful sleep by carbon monoxide.. that's the end goal.

so for now, im grinding my job- saving up, and attempting to do everything on my bucket list. if i can hold out long enough, maybe 2 years or 3- i'll cut off all contact, go traveling, and end it before i get to my 30s.

 

[BrownNoise]

It might be a dumb reason. But, I haven't ctb yet because I don't want to hurt my dad.
His life sucked and he has done so much for me and my physically handicap sister.
Once he is gone and I am able to get what I need, I'm out of here.

 

[JohnnySack]

family, i have a decent support system so i got that goin for me. i gotta keep goin for them. it would feel incredibly selfish otherwise

 

[Just_Another_Person]

My SN didn't arrive and I am contemplating live a little more to watch some anime/tv shows.