Discussion Whats stopping you from CTB?

[WeepingWillow]

Mom. She is 73. I have asperger. She didn't treat me very well when I was a kid. I was bullied by her. She is both good and bad. We've really been mother and son for the past three years. If I had found this site 10 years ago, I would have left the world. 3-4 months ago I thought I could do it but I couldn't. I guess I won't leave this place before her.

I really respect your selflessness. I'm moved by your story and am sorry for your troubles. Regardless what path you choose I hope peace of mind finds you and you're well.

 

[nico_wren]

Not believing in the afterlife is honestly the only thing holding me back. Some people are comforted by the nothingness, but that scares the shit out of me. If I believed in anything after death, ctb would be so easy for me. There would be no hesitation..

 

[bunnii]

My worst fear is something going wrong or being caught and ending up a vegetable. Something about imagining my mother crying over my drooling unresponsive body hurts so much more than the thought of her at my funeral. If I had a method I knew would 100% kill me I would do it right now.

 

[leloyon]

Did you mean no-gun?
Well it's both the same I guess

Pretty much, however it wasn't a typo, no fun allowed over here.

 

[western_heart]

I want to go now but really I can afford to live another month or two before I run out of money. I told my gf I'd wait for her to be ready to ctb with me, but it's really difficult. I want to go almost every day. She might get a job and then I would need to either find a way to recover or ctb on my own and hope she doesn't follow after me.

In any case I told myself I'd wait til March at the earliest, and I keep putting off getting the final things I need to ctb. This seems to be a barrier I put in place to stop impulsive attempts. I want liquor for my OD, it would only take me ~20 minutes to obtain, the most time consuming part would be picking out what to get at the store since there are so many vodka choices & I haven't bought liquor in years.

 

[jessisme]

Fear of the method (SN) and not wanting to leave my Mom.

 

[dembe]

My fear of what comes after/ religion.

 

[The Eeyorish One]

I just don't think I can overcome SI and deal with the… uncomfortableness of ctb (no method is really peaceful imo). Plus if I fail then things will only get worse. It would mean a trip to the ward and I'd probably be homeless afterwards. If there was a magic button to "poof" me out of existence I'd press it, but in reality this shit is hard and complicated.

 

[m4rius]

My experimental plans for my mental and physical health. It is my last bit of hope that I have left inside of me.

Though, it will only take a couple of months to see if it fails. It likely will fail, as I'm pretty much expecting almost a miracle.

I'm excited to die this summer. I'm excited to write off a goodbye thread, I am excited to see the reactions (lack of) from those close to me IRL.

 

[LocalAngel]

Waiting on my SN, and just... my system, currently. DID makes everything complicated.

 

[kaylain]

Whats stopping you from CTB? Do you just not have materials? Are you hesitant? Is someone stopping you? Are you just not ready? Do you really not want to CTB?

What is it?
What are YOU waiting for?

im scared of hurting my partner, it sucks so much. they told me they would gladly CBT with me, its my time, but not theirs. I wont force them but still sucks knowing imgonna b leaving them w grief

 

[TakeMeBack07]

I'm waiting until my sister finishes her exams. I'm hoping the period of my depression, isolation and anti-social behaviour will less the impact emotionally. She knows my problems and isn't naive enough to believe I could find happiness in this world. I've absolutely no motivation to participate or contribute positively to this world. It's abhorrent and it's unfairness will never permit me to find peace.

 

[Walpurgisnacht]

I feel indebted to a couple people.
The reason I stayed alive after my biggest mistake in 2019 was because the people I hurt didn't want to be left alone in the mess we'd made of everything. I kinda just endured it for that reason since then.
People tell me that they need me, and I get worried that they might be right.
It's maybe just guilt that keeps me enduring. And it is just enduring, there's nothing left for me here anymore and there hasn't been for years; I've just been waiting for a time when I can be sure I'm no longer needed. I hope it's soon, everything is getting harder again. I dunno how much longer I can stand it just for that reason.

 

[dra1ncoreslwt]

Whats stopping you from CTB? Do you just not have materials? Are you hesitant? Is someone stopping you? Are you just not ready? Do you really not want to CTB?

What is it?
What are YOU waiting for?

honestly right now for me it feels like I'm waiting for things to get worse so that it's "worth it" at least that's what's on my mind. the support of my s/o and best friend has made me hesitant at a huge level though I always cry myself before sleep because I don't want to live anymore. I'm sure I'm also subconsciously giving it another chance to see if things get better by miracle or for the people around me to notice how bad I'm actually doing.

 

[parader]

right now i'm a sort of support for some people that i care deeply about
i want to first make sure that they're doing okay, on nice jobs that they can enjoy, living on their income with financial stability and thriving
when they don't longer need me i can rest

 

[RhapsodyinBerserk]

I still ironically have hope for the future, that things can get better and I can go back to living a normal life. I also think about how it would impact my family, I wouldn't want to put something so horrible on them. I'm afraid of dying, afraid of what might be on the other side, or if there is honestly anything at all. I don't want my method to be painful either though.

 

[Kodokushi]

My pets. Also failing is NOT an option and with what I have failing is a big possibility...

 

[scamper]

I've had the option to ctb with a reliable method available for a while now, and what stopped me was enjoying life. I'm killing myself to avoid my future that I ruined, not the present. With that being said, it's only downhill from here. It's not there yet, but slowly my life is approaching that point where it's not worth it anymore, and when that times comes, I will ctb to end my life while I still have something to be happy about.

 

[charlotte_]

I am too scared of pain and regret, and too lazy to properly plan anything. Besides, it is for someone I love. I haven't promised them anything, but I know my death will hurt them

 

[outrider567]

I don't know

 

[jonward55]

Whats stopping you from CTB? Do you just not have materials? Are you hesitant? Is someone stopping you? Are you just not ready? Do you really not want to CTB?

What is it?
What are YOU waiting for?

Waiting to try and source, the Uk does not seem to have anything anywhere

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

Others. Cant order the shit I need for SN right now because my roommate is watching me all the time nowadays after i went to the ward once. Ill have to wait a few weeks atleast for all the heat to die down and for everyone to forget about it.

 

[ringo99]

Pain. A painless ctb is almost impossible in my country. I'm thinking of going with SN

 

[Challu]

Anti-emetic taking too long.
If I just prepare the 2 cups of SN and drink it, maybe I can keep it down since I eat xtra large servings of salty fast food junk everyday. If I run out of time, that is what I will do.

 

[huntergirl14]

waiting for the right time, scared, AND 0.00000000001 % of hope maybe. but I'm very close to it I think

 

[HopefulSleep]

Money and a proper plan

 

[10000DaysTooMany]

I came clean to one of my best friends about everything. I know me don't would seriously effect them negatively. I have everything for the SN method to work; but they don't want to see me go. I'm going to try antidepressants again, for them. If it doesn't work out I'm going to CTB. Right now I'm just living for them, not myself. In all actuality I've just been living for them for the last 15 years.

 

[riddlerenjoyer]

I don't have the materials for my prefered method (sn) and i just don't wana cause more pain to my mom, i know she's already suffering because of me i couldnt do that to her

 

[Unending]

It's really just my parents that are the concrete reason I'm not gone. I have personal aspirations as well that incentivize me to at least wait longer but if I'm being honest, they wouldn't stop me. In the moments when my suffering is elevated, I would definitely be willing to make the choice eventually but I'm just clinging onto the good things for now even though they aren't even close to giving me sufficient reason/meaning to justify how horrible my quality of life is. So yeah, overall it is not wanting to hurt my loved ones.

I don't think I should have to stick it out for them and I don't think I would necessarily be wrong if I did otherwise but I just don't have it in me to hurt them like that and the way I see it, if it gets bad enough, its just going to happen but I'm afraid to say that as bad as it is currently, I'm just not at the point where I HAVE to leave now. Just afraid to see it get any worse but I'll see how it goes. Don't get me wrong though, I'm still pretty damn resentful that I'm stuck here but I'm just trying to remain peaceful about it.

 

[Wowser]

I wanna enjoy one more summer.