Venting What’s stopping me?

[Sk8Bones11]

Just laying here hurting and suffering again. I have days like this where I've had enough and try pushing myself to pick up my gun and just shoot myself. I convince myself it's the ultimate act of self love. Nothing will get better, it's getting worse. And I'm in the midst of so much painful stuff in life right now. I'm laying here asking myself why don't I just get it over with? What is stopping me right now? What hope am I clinging to this time? And even if I'm clinging to any shred of hope of something awesome happening, it never ends up happening. So why do I keep telling myself to have hope this time? I don't have to go through another painful sleepless night crying and wishing to just go to sleep and not wake. I have the means to end my life. I have no reason to hang on. Why do I try and tell myself to just keep hanging on, something good might happen?

 

[AflacDuck]

Have you rationalized it? Is it emotional, is it physical, what are the chances of it improving? If you see absolutely no hope, and see it as your best option. Your life is yours to do with what you please. If you're holding on for others, they don't have a say over your life as it is yours, and yours to take.

Got some booze, or weed? Get high/drunk and chill out. See how things go. If you feel like CTB, or feel alone we're here for ya.

 

[Sk8Bones11]

Have you rationalized it? Is it emotional, is it physical, what are the chances of it improving? If you see absolutely no hope, and see it as your best option. Your life is yours to do with what you please. If you're holding on for others, they don't have a say over your life as it is yours, and yours to take.

Got some booze, or weed? Get high/drunk and chill out. See how things go. If you feel like CTB, or feel alone we're here for ya.

I appreciate your reply. In the moments it's usually the thought of a certain person that keeps me hanging on but those people are all disappearing. Recently there was a woman I was dating even though I hadn't wanted to open my heart back up, she just kinda appeared and we hit it off and things were great. She has no clue I struggle with depression and S/I. I'm an outgoing, fun, outwardly happy guy. Honestly, meeting her and spending time with her and the feeling of having hope and fun with someone again is what's gotten me through the last couple months. But we had a disagreement on Sunday and I ended up not showing up for a gathering she invited me to Monday. I think she was using me anyway. I think I'm trying to destroy any positive thing in my life right now so I finally won't have anything to cling to. I need people to tell me it's time for me to give up. I'm fucking tired. I just need encouragement to end my life. Tell me I'll be free, out of pain, and that waiting around isn't going to make things better.

 

[justamirror]

our bodies… our minds… we are programmed to exist. What holds people back..? Maybe simply "themselves"

When you silence your mind and be still … what do you see? What do you notice? Everything around you. You are not the words you are identifying with. You're the background - a part of it. Thoughts have become the identifier of who we are it seems for most. This is far from the truth.

The noise in your head …. That's what stops people. There was a time there were no words to alter your perspective. But we are far from that time. The noise is a computer spitting our results.

Words like .. "hope" "happiness" "worthy" "life" "human" fire a gazillion reactions in your brain, massive amounts of predictions of the future tied in with experiences of the past…

I cannot and would not convince anyone to die. You must walk your own fate. You are the captain of your boat.

 

[AflacDuck]

I appreciate your reply. In the moments it's usually the thought of a certain person that keeps me hanging on but those people are all disappearing. Recently there was a woman I was dating even though I hadn't wanted to open my heart back up, she just kinda appeared and we hit it off and things were great. She has no clue I struggle with depression and S/I. I'm an outgoing, fun, outwardly happy guy. Honestly, meeting her and spending time with her and the feeling of having hope and fun with someone again is what's gotten me through the last couple months. But we had a disagreement on Sunday and I ended up not showing up for a gathering she invited me to Monday. I think she was using me anyway. I think I'm trying to destroy any positive thing in my life right now so I finally won't have anything to cling to. I need people to tell me it's time for me to give up. I'm fucking tired. I just need encouragement to end my life. Tell me I'll be free, out of pain, and that waiting around isn't going to make things better.

Sounds like you've just got shitty people in your life mate. Self-destruction as a means to "let go" means you're experiencing mental anguish. Your S/I I would say is linked to your emotions in the current moment.

Do me a favor, try going out into some different places in society and make some new friends, just talk to random people, hit it off, talk to different women and just build a new social circle. See if things improve. I'm asking, no I'm challenging you to try something new for 21 days. See if that improves your life, but always keep in your back pocket a mental note that CTB is always there as a Plan B if you really don't want to go on.

Personally I would never CTB on emotion, but I have rationalized it. idk where you're from but here in the US carrying guns is legal, and aside of self defense its always an insurance policy if shit hits the fan and theres no way out.

Good luck mate, go get em.