Venting i don’t want to feel numb

[huntermellow]

i hate those brief moments where i don't feel anything. where i just feel numb because it makes me a little less suicidal and makes me think to myself "should i really kill myself because of everything that's happened?" i need to feel destroyed and devastated everyday so i go through with my plan. every time i remember everything that's happened i have a breakdown and realise i can't live with myself that's why i hate when the crying stops and i go numb. even if i one day feel nothing forever and don't think or cry over what's happened that's still not a life worth living. it's like when i was on antidepressants, they don't make you happy they don't make you sad they just make you feel nothing. not even suicide comes across your mind. but i don't want that. if i can't be happy then let me be sad. i don't want to feel nothing and feel like less of a human than i already do. i don't want to be incapable of crying when something bad happens. i can't find any peace within myself, not in this life. i don't want to enjoy anything i don't want to feel happy and i don't want to feel numb. i need to continue to feel devastated. i need things to get worse to prove that nothing will get better. every time i've gotten hopeful about something actually good happening in my life it's always come crashing down. i can't even be hopeful about my own death succeeding. if i can't have anything good in life at least let me find peace in death.