Help What’s Holding Me Back?

[TerminallyBroken]

So I'm new here and I'm glad I found this site. Finally I feel somewhere truly safe and free. So here's my story.

I've wanted to commit suicide for so many years, at least 10. And yet, somehow I'm still hanging on. I've struggled with major depression and addiction since freshman year of high school. I've tried every treatment modality there is. I've been on almost every medication there is. I've seen dozens of therapists. Been to every treatment center and rehab around me, and been hospitalized 6 times. I've never gotten better. I've just only gotten worse.

The only thing that ever really ever worked was alcohol but being a slave to the bottle left me with a DUI that ruined my life even more because now I can't work, can't get around easily, so I'm dead broke and all alone with only my tears to comfort me. If I'm being honest, the only thing truly keeping me here is my mom. I don't want to leave her all alone. She's already lost her husband, (my daddy) her brother, her mother, and her dog. Now you add me to the mix and I feel this would ultimately just kill her too. If my mom wasn't single and had a boyfriend maybe I'd do it. I just don't have the heart to hurt her that way.

But I just don't think I can hang on anymore. I tried everything and it all failed. There's nothing more anyone or anything can do for me. No one even takes me seriously and at the end of the day I'm always lonely. I'm an only child so it's just me and my mom. I can't take another day in pain anymore and I really feel like I'm just too far gone at this point to ever get better. So, why am I such a pussy? Why can't I just finally do it? I fantasize and dream about how much relief, euphoria and joy I'd finally feel giving in and just doing it. I want it so badly. I almost can't take it anymore. I feel it deep inside me. It's for real this time and I'm ready to die.

I just need to get over the fear of afterlife I guess idk.

 

[owl_culture]

I'm so sorry to hear that your suffering so much. I hope you find the peace that you ultimately deserve

 

[Well_Its_Time]

Most of us are on that same bus. Only when it is my time, I too shall go. Some have been here for years and some minutes. It is a very understanding community and clearly, most of us suffer every day...some less...but I found it to be a safe place to be.

 

[TerminallyBroken]

I'm so sorry to hear that your suffering so much. I hope you find the peace that you ultimately deserve

I want peace. I really do, but I feel that in order to have peace in this world, I have to have a lot of money. Like if I was Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk, I would be at peace. But I'm a broke, homeless, alcoholic who's headed no where in life but to prison or death. :(

 

[owl_culture]

I want peace. I really do, but I feel that in order to have peace in this world, I have to have a lot of money. Like if I was Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk, I would be at peace. But I'm a broke, homeless, alcoholic who's headed no where in life but to prison or death. :(

It really would solve all our problems. Yet we are cursed to bear all the suffering while the ones at the top live comfortably for years to come.

 

[theshund]

So I'm new here and I'm glad I found this site. Finally I feel somewhere truly safe and free. So here's my story.

I've wanted to commit suicide for so many years, at least 10. And yet, somehow I'm still hanging on. I've struggled with major depression and addiction since freshman year of high school. I've tried every treatment modality there is. I've been on almost every medication there is. I've seen dozens of therapists. Been to every treatment center and rehab around me, and been hospitalized 6 times. I've never gotten better. I've just only gotten worse.

The only thing that ever really ever worked was alcohol but being a slave to the bottle left me with a DUI that ruined my life even more because now I can't work, can't get around easily, so I'm dead broke and all alone with only my tears to comfort me. If I'm being honest, the only thing truly keeping me here is my mom. I don't want to leave her all alone. She's already lost her husband, (my daddy) her brother, her mother, and her dog. Now you add me to the mix and I feel this would ultimately just kill her too. If my mom wasn't single and had a boyfriend maybe I'd do it. I just don't have the heart to hurt her that way.

But I just don't think I can hang on anymore. I tried everything and it all failed. There's nothing more anyone or anything can do for me. No one even takes me seriously and at the end of the day I'm always lonely. I'm an only child so it's just me and my mom. I can't take another day in pain anymore and I really feel like I'm just too far gone at this point to ever get better. So, why am I such a pussy? Why can't I just finally do it? I fantasize and dream about how much relief, euphoria and joy I'd finally feel giving in and just doing it. I want it so badly. I almost can't take it anymore. I feel it deep inside me. It's for real this time and I'm ready to die.

I just need to get over the fear of afterlife I guess idk.

You answered your own question. Your mum. Keep going for her. Sounds like she's been through enough.

 

[TerminallyBroken]

You answered your own question. Your mum. Keep going for her. Sounds like she's been through enough.

I know. And I hate to leave her but there's just too much of this world I can't accept anymore. The bad just seem wayyyy too overshadowed by the evil in this world. I'd rather sacrifice my mom's happiness for my peace in heaven

 

[OnlyOutcastsMourn]

Death is a terrifying, and attractive concept for us all. Death is a release from our suffering, but the uncertainty of what comes after, if anything, terrifies us. We are life forms and our main drive is to survive, and that instinct takes an immense effort to push through.

If you have a shred of empathy you also know that there are those who will be affected by your passing, few of us are completely isolated with no one who cares for us even a little.