whats a bad parent?

[sanctionedusage]

i just had a big talk with my mom explaining in the most thorough terms and examples how a relationship with a suspected narcissistic, very insecure father works, and i think she might have understood. but at the end of the half hour or so i feel so exhausted. my final sentiment is still that i don't care if she believes me because i don't think anyone would. she said she did but she's never really been a protective or defensive mother when it matters. years ago, my dad was actually the one who told me she would regularly hang out with my childhood sexual abuser after knowing about it; she's denied this, but also didn't really care that my dad said that about her, so maybe it was true. like i'd expect. actually the more i think about this the more confused and tired i get. im literally 20. i need to stop looking for validation from my parents of all people.

it was the first time i ever verbalized all of that irl in my life though, which wasn't even cathartic, i was just super desperate.

the whole convo came about after my dad asked why people would think a natural medicine practice would work; i said "well its not science based, and science is what would answer that kind of question. cause science is the practice of understanding 'why' and "how'" - basically saying so if it's not science based, there won't be those answers he's looking for, was my point. and he started shaking his head, scowling, and said no one could have a conversation with me because i... acted like that. like a million times before, i asked what was wrong with what i said or how i said it, he couldn't elaborate, and then just kept escalating and screaming at me while vilifying me— so i just agreed with what he said and left it.

then i pulled my mom aside later and asked what she thought because i needed some kind of info on where she stood and why.

dont even know why i did any of that, theres such overwhelming evidence that she does not care. im still impressed at how i was able to articulate all of that and organize it all so clearly though. makes me feel a little less crazy.

i genuinely deserve the most peaceful, painless, euphoric suicide possible. real mental illness/self hatred would be forcing myself to keep living through this and putting myself through the exhaustion of coping with it for the rest of my life. if a god is real & punishes me for it, theyre a cruel and unjust god.

 

[maylurker]

i need to stop looking for validation from my parents of all people.

ikr i ran away from my abusive parents at a young age and it helped me to dissociate myself from the need of their validation but it led to unhealthy relationship in the future with romantic partners and even friends

 

[sanctionedusage]

okay yeah i asked her directly and she said nothing of what i said changed how she sees him. not even when she asked how people deal with narcissists and i told her most people raised by them end up moving out and cutting contact, committing suicide before that, or growing up to be dysfunctional and weak, vulnerable people looking for the same patterns when they start their own life. this is very uncomfortable damage. its actually almost enough to make me disregard the small bucket list i have and just die fat and surgically unaltered sometime tonight. won't tho lol i need to be bmi 14