Venting Whatever read my fucked up life

[Fly🦋]

I've always felt comfortable sharing if i was depressed or suicidal i just am uncomfortable going deep into how i actually feel and think. This is kind of new for me. I guess i have to start off with something though. I use to live with my birth parents, Desmond and Shanelle until i was 8 months. Apparently my dad Desmond did some shit and ended up in jail and my mom Shanelle had a drinking problem and wasn't doing a great job with taking care of me. DSS came in and decided to place me with my aunt Desmond's sister Tykia. i call her mom because... well she wants me to and she was the one actually taking care of me. I have lived with Tykia or my mom, Robert my mom's husband, cherish my cousin that i call my sister and journee my baby cousin i call my sister ever since. I showed signs of depression in march 2019 close to the end of the school year. My mom didn't think it was that serious because it really wasn't. Sure i hated my self but i have hated myself ever since 2nd grade. Plus i was and still am a big coward i barely even planned my suicide and didn't even go through with it. Back then i already knew i was pansexual and was questioning if i was transgender. After school ended my depression got better even though i hated summer. i might as well never have been depressed i was so happy like i use to be in 3rd grade. i decided i would be straight again, i know stupid right you can't just be straight because you want too. And i decided to be a girly girly instead of a trans boy for the sake of my parents. My mom is just straight up homophobic and transphobic. My dad has no problem with lgbt at all. He doesn't mind me being pansexual and even though he wont admit it he doesn't like the idea of me being a boy. he always wanted me to be his little princess. After a summer of pretending to be something i am not in August aound when school was starting back. My depression came back and it became stronger then ever. i didn't just hate my self i loathed and despised myself. i couldn't look in the mirror anymore with thinking i was ugly. i wish i was dead. My mom noticed they're was something wrong and asked and i cried. I cried like a ugly fat pig i was. I threw everything out there. how i hated myself and how i wanted to go in a deep sleep and never wake up, how i was tired of existing and not living. After calming me down she said that i need a therapist. i begged her not to until she dropped to subject and i thought i won. i didn't. i ended up going to therapy in october. Between august and octber i had also developed an eatting disorder called anorexia. i also found out my birth mom Shanelle was diagnoised with bipolar depression and it's genetic i also have bipolar depression. I hated therapy so much and still do. Now to the present time, i have
Anorexia
Anxiety
Bipolar depression
Borderline Personality Disorder
Gender dysphoria (though it not a bad thing wanting to be a boy)
Still pansexual (definitely not a bad thing) (love is love)

And nothing is getting better.

 

[FullyUnplugged]

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

Trying to be something you are always bad for your mental health. I have GD too and I know from personal experience there's no way to power though it or ignore it, the more you trying to conform with your assigned at birth gender the more depressed and miserable you get.
I think you are not a lost cause with all your diagnoses, they may be managed and some of them can actually stem from GD (anxiety, depression, anorexia at least)
I don't want to give you false hope but after I started transition I actually wanted to live and flourish, but my mental health got worse maybe because of hormones. But still I wanted to live, had hope and was looking forward to my future. After some time I started to live as my true self, I felt alive finally, sometimes even happy, not dead inside like the majority of my previous life...
It's another story why I am here on this forum right now.
Your situation is difficult, but if you find help, support and right medication you hopefully will be able to love life again.

Much love ❤ Be strong and believe in yourself.

 

[Fly🦋]

Thank you. No ones ever been that supportive of me, not even my best friend i have known since forever. It gives me a little hope. May you live a wonderful blessed life.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Be strong and be proud of who you are. Keep your head held high and don't let others pass judgment on you, you are who you are
I'm sorry though that due to lifes circumstances you've found yourself here. It's a great place that will welcome you, support you and give you a place to vent. Someone is always online to talk to.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

Thank you. No ones ever been that supportive of me, not even my best friend i have known since forever. It gives me a little hope. May you live a wonderful blessed life.

It's sad, but there are people out there, maybe LGBT community or organization where you can meet someone. Don't be afraid, deny your fear to rule over you. Learn to love you self and allow yourself to be vulnerable, don't hide who you are.. it's won't be easy I promise but it's so liberating.
You are so young, you at least have to try for the sake of it.
Thank you for your kind wishes.

 

[Fly🦋]

Be strong and be proud of who you are. Keep your head held high and don't let others pass judgment on you, you are who you are
I'm sorry though that due to lifes circumstances you've found yourself here. It's a great place that will welcome you, support you and give you a place to vent. Someone is always online to talk to.

Thank you. I just got here today and it already feels like a second home and it's family is way more understanding, kind, and loving. I wish you a nice beautiful life.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Thank you. I just got here today and it already feels like a second home and it's family is way more understanding, kind, and loving. I wish you a nice beautiful life.

We're all here rooting for you