Me. My personality. I want to be a different person.. be me, but ..not me.
I'm so mean and often the most cruel, sarcastic shit dumps out of my mouth, unnecessarily, without my permission. It's like my default mode is just.. asshole. I'm just an asshole. Especially to the ones I love. I make my mom and little brother feel stupid and my dad feels unappreciated. I don't truly feel this way inside and of course they don't believe when I tell them this. They get angry when I counter my actions with my words because of course,"actions speak louder than words" and such. They get confused, they want to know why I say one thing and do another. They're so wonderful and I wish I could show them.
A young, fairly educated woman like myself should be kind, loving, encouraging and nurturing and I'm just so fucking mean. I hate myself so much.
The thing is, I know I can change. This is in my control but I can't seem to understand how to control it yet. When I do, I end up snapping eventually and losing my shit and waking up in a ward or getting kicked out of my living space for whatever I said or did.
I'm so tired of my bullshit.