Discussion What would you do ?

[Lara Francis]

Hi.
I have been a member on this site for some time as I have lived on the edge of life and death.
Some people will know me better than others and be familar with the rollar coaster of my life that include the loss of my beloved husband and the subsequent loss of our son into care because of my poor mental health which resulted in a suicide attempt.
To cut a long story short,my good friend asked me to move in with her as the stress of my situation was unbearable.
She has 2 lovely children whom i have made a connection with and whom i love dearly.on one hand they can be a distraction and on the other hand ,i feel pain for not having my son.
She leads abit of a stressful and unorganised life but has a heart of gold.
That said,her way of living is less than calm.
She has been a great support but is it now time for me to return home.
I dont want to seem ungrateful but i need to stand on my own two feet but she worries and knows that i have SN but thinks i will not take it! But the truth of the matter is that i brought it as my plan b if the christmas period is overwhelming.i am invited to several of her family gatherings but there will be many children also.
I seem to be effected by derealisation also atm which i think is my brains way of coping.i do think i am living a dream and hope i will wake up soon.I questioned how to wake myself up and began to think i need to die to do so.
If i go home,i will want to go into hibernation for sure and i have a chilled out perspective of death.I am not scared and have long held the opionion that "what will be ,will be!"
Thankyou for reading.x

 

[ThingWithFeathers]

Hi Lara, you are in grief... the most severe kind of grief of losing a spouse and child simultaneously. It is indeed overwhelming but you also have good support from your friend. Not many in here can count on that kind of support system.

In profound grief, in utter loss of hope and meaningfulness in life, our mind easily entertains the thought of suicide.

You are a senior member of this forum, I have not read your other posts, but I guess one reason to try to hang in there is your son who I assume is still very young. Evidence and studies have found that parental suicide sometimes leads to suicidal ideation in children as well. I believe that once your health gets better you can have your son back.

You also seem to love children a lot, after all you are a mother, maybe you want to give some time to yourself and see if your suicidal urges subside over time?

End of the day, it is your choice, but when we are dead we have no choice anymore, so this choice to end life must be made when our thinking is somewhat rational, but you admit that you have poor mental health.

Whatever you decide, do consider the pros and cons of your action and the long term impact of it and try to ensure that your son does not become a victim of your actions. *hugs*

 

[Soulless_Angel]

I do not know you or your story, but losing your husband I simply cannot understand as I have not been there, but i imagine the pain is unbearable,
The loss of your son to the system though, I truly understand that pain, I lost 2 to the system, its ass, it really is.
My oldest is back in my life now, slowly, very slowly, he knows of my suicide attempt, whilst he does not show emotion, it has been made known to me recently by his family it has messed with his head, made him feel even more unwanted, made him feel like I never wanted him if I don't want to be here. I have spoken to him, but he doesn't respond.

Your path right now, Its amazing you have had a friend who has been able to support you through this time, but understandable independence is calling you,
Are you able to just take it a day at a time, focus on what needs to be done to get through to the end of that day, don't think to far ahead, take it easy, take it easy on yourself, and try and get through Christmas, then once that is over, take a deep breath and try again on living, focus on your son,
Am I allowed to ask how old is he?

either way, right now you need to do what is best for you, whatever that may be, just don't be hasty x

 

[SinisterKid]

I say, keep the current situation for another couple of weeks until the festive period is over then try and go home and see how it works out. New Year, new beginning. The distraction over the holidays, whilst not ideal, is probably the best thing right now. I know when I spend long periods in my own company what happens, the ideation starts to take over and that does not help me to remain in control.

You have to do what is right for you and your son. We can all express our opinions, but the crux of it is, only you can decide. Everyone here will still support you no matter what.

 

[Lara Francis]

I do not know you or your story, but losing your husband I simply cannot understand as I have not been there, but i imagine the pain is unbearable,
The loss of your son to the system though, I truly understand that pain, I lost 2 to the system, its ass, it really is.
My oldest is back in my life now, slowly, very slowly, he knows of my suicide attempt, whilst he does not show emotion, it has been made known to me recently by his family it has messed with his head, made him feel even more unwanted, made him feel like I never wanted him if I don't want to be here. I have spoken to him, but he doesn't respond.

Your path right now, Its amazing you have had a friend who has been able to support you through this time, but understandable independence is calling you,
Are you able to just take it a day at a time, focus on what needs to be done to get through to the end of that day, don't think to far ahead, take it easy, take it easy on yourself, and try and get through Christmas, then once that is over, take a deep breath and try again on living, focus on your son,
Am I allowed to ask how old is he?

either way, right now you need to do what is best for you, whatever that may be, just don't be hasty x

Hi .he has just turned 11
He is a beautiful boy who i love very much.x