Discussion What would you be giving up?

[madeincruddy]

While I have no plans to CTB anytime soon, any sort of suicidal ideation always leads to me thinking about what I'd want to do before I die. What would actually leave me satisfied.

Ever since I was a preteen, I've wanted to make a game. Most likely a visual novel. All my story concepts have been about deeply troubled people, pulling from my own experiences growing up into the maladjusted thing I am today. I feel like I'm able to relate to people most on the topic of mental illness, and I wanted to make something as candid and frank as possible. Not to revel in the misery, just to show it for what it is, you know? I'm drawn to that, and that's what I wanna make for other people. I try to temper my expectations, I don't think anything I make would get crazy popular, I'd just hope the right people would find it so they can enjoy it. My devotion to art has been one of the main things keeping me alive for this long, I think if I hadn't set this goal for myself I'd be dead already. My love for my characters is so intense, I feel bad 'giving up' on them. Maybe it's weird, haha.

Of course, I want to be here for my boyfriend. I'm his first girlfriend, and I don't want to break his heart like that. Even if we haven't been dating for long, I either want to live long enough to see our relationship run its course or grow into something more. He deserves that. I can't help but feel guilty for being suicidal.

There's a lot more things I'd like to do, these are just what's personally most important to me. Giving them up is unfathomably painful. If I ever manage to publish a game, and if my current relationship ends, that's my 'right' time to die.

I'd like to hear from other people. Whether or not you'll be staying alive to see your dreams through, what would you like to do before you die?

 

[woodlandcreature]

i already gave up on all my dreams and don't have people in my life other than a family that hates and abuses me. there's nothing left.

 

[mjolnir]

Well, I think I've already done a lot of things that were once my dreams. I've had relationships, been disappointed, but I've overcome them. I found something that could help people in some way, but I was also disappointed by that in some way. I've fulfilled other dreams, traveled, hiked, climbed, made great jumps from great heights, jumped off buildings, bridges, and airplanes. What I can say is that today I have a great fog that prevents me from dreaming, but if I had to choose something, it would still be to achieve great things in even more extreme places. And well, suicidal thoughts have always been with me, even while experiencing happiness.

 

[TwistedNightmares]

The only person I would be giving up is my gf. She is the only person in the world who truly loves me for who I am. My hopes and dreams died years ago, and the rest of my family is estranged from me (except for my mom). They don't give a shit about my existence. I don't have a good relationship with mom, either. I just receive emotional neglect and abuse daily from her, which makes my life a living hell.

 

[OOUUneverover]

nothing really. There's stuff I'd like to do but I don't really a have a really strong desire to do anything.

It would be nice to climb a mountain, lie down, and die of hypothermia. I like mountains.

 

[madeincruddy]

It would be nice to climb a mountain, lie down, and die of hypothermia. I like mountains.

I hadn't even thought of what my ideal resting place would be before now. Maybe somewhere soft? I'd just like to lie down and sink into the Earth. It's comforting to know we at least have some agency over what happens to us if we make the decision to die.