What were/are you addicted to?

[girlsfoodgear]

cocaine and sleeping tablets (diphenhydramine/Benadryl) mostly, and if you count eating disorders as addictions then that too. incredibly rambly so i'll put it under spoilers.

How severe was/is it?

Spoiler

- cocaine: i still use far too often, minimum weekly but at my worst i was going through .5g a day. where i'm from, this is about £40-£50 a day depending on where you get it from. when i first started using, a .5 bag would last me at least a few days of heavy use, but my tolerance has skyrocketed.

- sleeping tablets: more of a dependency, but i'd use them somewhat recreationally like how others would use opiates to just block out the world and sleep. i don't like the effects of intentionally 'tripping' on it either but i've intentionally taken large doses to do so when things have been bad and i've not had access to anything else.

- eating disorder(s): when my anorexia was purely restrictive i was a higher weight but lost lots of it very quickly, and when it was binge/purge subtype (basically 'bulimia but you're underweight') my BMI was in the 14s and i was infertile, lost lots of hair, had no social life etc. i was binging and purging up to ten times a day which also fucked my heart.

What issues does this specific addiction cause for you in general, or the issues caused when trying to quit (if trying/tried to)?

Spoiler

- cocaine: mostly financial issues. i realised that it's essentially self-medicating my ADHD in the absence of actual medication as i started taking it frequently to motivate myself or get things done (like moving house, doing chores, or to focus on monotonous or big/complex tasks), so my life is actually way more together when i'm abusing it ironically. i'd like to be just a recreational user as i'm a party person so i'd rather associate it with a night out raving/clubbing than just what i need to be able to do the dishes. i maxed out credit cards and got myself into pretty deep financial trouble when i was prioritising using it over anything else. unfortunately i can't ever motivate myself to do even simple things without having it now. also made the effects of an overdose as a suicide attempt far worse as my heart is now pretty fucked, and said overdose wouldn't have been half as bad if my heart wasn't already damaged from cocaine abuse.

- sleeping tablets: i struggle to sleep without them; i rely on them to just knock me out within a certain timeframe instead of lying awake unable to drop off for hours. i also overdosed on them in March when i attempted suicide and parts of the process that i remember are seen through DPH-tinted lenses which makes taking them scarier.

- eating disorder(s): my overall health is ruined from years of thinking i was invincible and yo-yo'ing between different, equally as destructive behaviours. i'm in my twenties and am missing 4 teeth from stomach acid erosion, lack of nutrients, and neglect, and the rest of them are either decaying or wearing away, and all of them are too sensitive to treat without general anaesthetics which makes getting a dentist appointment 10x longer. i've been too deeply entrenched in it to feel like i'll ever just accept my body; i'm at least comfortable with how it is now but i still am wary of calories and restrict/sometimes purge if i think i've eaten too much or the guilt takes over. i'm just surprised that my heart has put up with as much as it has.

i've also struggled with heavy recreational abuse of ketamine and binge-drinking at certain points, although they were quite sporadic and mostly out of desperation so i don't consider them addictions/something that i still struggle with now.

 

[Marine]

Fasting bulimia has made me severely disabled, I'm still fighting to find my way out, aka to reclaim what the absence of causes it.

I've been anorexic and was fairly happy back then, I guess you could say I was addicted to studying and working out in a way at the time, also I used to self harm before it morphed into an ED. People still stare at the old scars on my arms (they're not that dramatic but still visible) when I wear short sleeves and sometimes ask about it.

 

[QteStimBnnuy]

Fasting bulimia has made me severely disabled, I'm still fighting to find my way out, aka to reclaim what the absence of causes it.

I've been anorexic and was fairly happy back then, I guess you could say I was addicted to studying and working out in a way at the time, also I used to self harm before it morphed into an ED. People still stare at the old scars on my arms (they're not that dramatic but still visible) when I wear short sleeves and sometimes ask about it.

Known a fair few people with an ED, really awful to be trapped in. It's not over until it's over, wish you the best on reclaiming things

Do you get annoyed when people ask about the scars*, the need to lie, so and so?

 

[Marine]

Known a fair few people with an ED, really awful to be trapped in. It's not over until it's over, wish you the best on reclaiming things

Do you get annoyed when people ask about the scars*, the need to lie, so and so?

This type really is the second worst after BED... I do eliminate (not enough to restore my fitness yet though) but I take the entire toll of the damage since it goes through my organism... I had to start using plastic medicine to remedy the damage on my face and it's extremely crippling on my body as a whole and being separated from my real self is extremely painful...

It's annoying having to talk about something that's been over for ages and that I completely forget about until people ask let's say but I usually tell them the truth that it's a thing of the past from a very long time ago.

 

[sick.faery]

starving & binging

 

[Thisisnotaname]

Beers

 

[coolgal82]

the internet. i literally could not go a day without talking to my friends lmao (but tbf i am extremely attached to them anyway maybe if we were offline i'd manage? idk)

also almost alcohol but it never got the point of full on addiction i dont think. i still use it frequently and at one point i think i started getting minor withdrawl symptoms (when i was drinking basically 24/7 for a month) but its not that bad now

 

[ham and potatoes]

Alcohol and nicotine.
Back in my college years through mid 20s I was basically a functional alcoholic. Would drink at least a 6 pack a night dring the week, and would get hammered every Friday and Saturday. Also smoked/dipped
I no longer use nicotine, but I still drink a couple drinks from time to time, but nothing like then
Cutting back on drinking wasnt real bad, as I got older, the hangovers got worse, and I wasn't hanging out with my friends all the time, so it just kinda happened.
Quitting nicotine on the other hand, was a slow process over a long time slowly cutting back.
Hell, haven't been a smoker in years, but I still get cravings for it from time to time

 

[ham and potatoes]

 

[KillingPain267]

Opiods and later alcohol

 

[Davey40210]

I had quite a few addictions in my life but realized they have all been coping mechanisms. I managed to cut them all: gaming, alcohol, cigarettes.

Only thing that came back is the caffeine, which I didn't drink for years.

Now without the coping mechanisms I feel the full force of my trauma and possible autism, and after my relationship stranded I have started crying almost daily, and I hadn't cried even once in decades. Now I realize I just want out of this life.

 

[Maormer]

Ive been lucky enough to avoid anything chemically addictive, but i definitely overuse weed to cope and ive been trying to quit self harm for almost a decade now. With weed i started using it because it would make me feel less anxious and less suicidal, but at a certain point i was stoned every day. I still use it more than i should but its not as bad as it was. With self harm the longest ive every been clean was 762 days but that's only if you only include cutting, in reality i had just been finding other less intense forms of self harm

 

[canijo]

• self-pity (never went away), since forever
• videogames:

pretty much all my youth. Guild Wars (1) introduced me to online gaming (i was 12..or13?).. FUCK i loved that game, i still remember my first ever voice conversation hahaha, i then went to WoW.
This was my only source of friends but i literally loved it, i did so many all-nighters and loved the community i had. But i ended up abruptly quiting at around 18 because my life was empty and seriously needed i change. I miss this time so much however. Then i did some LoL & Hearthstone & some other online shit but it was never the same, since then i just get seasons where i dive into some RPG or anything single player (Skyrim, all Souls, Divinity, BG3, OuterWilds..)

• Tobacco:

still smoke, started at around 16. I thought i would quit if i ever found some stability. Haha never got a chance.

• Weed:

uninterrupted since around 17 up until 1 year ago (so 13-14 years continuously). I've been on anti-depressant meds for the last 2 years (i abruptly quitted those meds recently 3mo ago, im CTBing so fuck everything) so i though i would finally try and quit weed. It actually was not really hard , because if had meds to sleep. But i miss it, and it allowed me to focus ignoring my mind. Like it really allowed me to get "in the zone" for whatever i was doing. I always thought it was a problem, but now seriously i think it only helped me.

Even when i quitted, i was thinking about picking it up again if i ever got OK with the rest of myself. I really love the way it allowed me to say "OK, lets REST and watch somthing", or "OK, lets focus and do this" (i know it sounds counter-intuitive, but weed helped me both focus&unfocus a lot). Thats something i currently cannot really do, i always have my mind full of shit and i miss having a go-to method.

• Phsychedelics

I had about 4-5 years where i did A LOT of psychedelics. I started with truffles, then mushrooms, LSD, Moxxi, 2-CB, and some other shit. It was both good and bad. Psychedelics are not addictive per se or anything of the sort.
However, if you're struggling, you can get "addicted" to trying to search for "those good times", or "that magic" you feel while doing them for the first times. They wont help though hahaha specially if you do them too much.

I have however some preeetty good memories, having sex while both on LSD is awesomely fucking amazing, if you know each-other well and have no confidence issues between you. Also allowed me to re-discover music and enjoy it as i never thought i could. Even opening new ways of playing instruments (i play guitar and played some piano).

But I also have MANY "cringe" memories, and weirdness overall. I was kind of lost and just hoped to have some fun and "forget" my life a little. I ended up doing many solo-trips that were good-for-nothing. It just isolated me and gave me nothing good. It's a nice experience to have, and even go-back some every couple years. But you should not do more than that, is just not worth it and gets you nothing.

• MDMA

I loved this, but i think this one really fucked me up (specially when combined with Psychedelics). I had SUCH great times. I strictly dosed myself when going out by specific amounts, so i could understand & control better its effects. But... it literally destroys your ability to regulate dopamine & serotonin (psychedelics can also do this, but more acutely). It destroys your mood long-term, it exacerbates any depression you may have.
You do NOT want to abuse this, its not worth at all. You can go on MDMA some time, but MAKE SURE you always leave at the very very minimun some weeks in between, ideally many months. It is not worth to take one day, and also the next, and the next. Neither 1 week and also the next. It is just not worth it, the come-backs are total fucking shit, there is not "good time" that can make up for it. It is just not worth.

But fuck how i loved this. I could talk to people, i could just fucking talk without getting cohibited and shy. It felt so liberating, and i got to a point that i did not feel at all like "bothering" people or being "that guy that is just so high". I confirmed this by talking sober to people, and i really was able to achieve some connections and experience some relationships that in ways i thought i could never ever do. BUT i ended up thinking i needed this, and my depression lashes got bigger and bigger. It never payed off. I keep some of the good memories though.

This stopped when through some happenings in my life i got completely isolated (so i stopped having any excuse to take it). MDMA had probably much to do with it. Since i started using it I progressively lost control over my emotional life, and it completely exploded.

• Cocaine & Speed

If i think MDMA is "dangerous" (if not used veeeeery casually), then Cocaine & Speed is absolutely fucking devastating. Speed specially (basically poor guy's cocaine). I started using both while working in the Netherlands. Basically the first day, the guy living next to us gave as a full bag of Speed, and from there it was downhill.

This was the most confusing 4 months of my life. I started using Speed every weekend. NON-stop (literally friday evening through sunday night, normally not even sleeping, and then during weeks after work also). At first it felt like MDMA in many ways (except the being horny all the time, that is MDMA's exclusive feature xD). This is, it felt like i could focus on anything, it made talking very easy. It felt like i was very in-control of myself, playing music was cool, i had a lot of energy, went to a lot of places.
But it does fuck u up ridiculously fast. You start getting obsessed with everything. You get fixated in stupid obsessive non-sense thoughts that last even when sober. You start getting paranoia, you think people talk about you. I started losing confidence on myself whenever i was not using it. Depression got through the rough. I was hard to keep long-term focus on anything. I do NOT recommend this if there is any danger that yourself or your close friends will be re-buying this.

As with all drugs, i kind of love them, i think any drug is something to be experienced and can teach you things. They are all basically just inhibiting something and at the same time empowering some other thing. But these 2 are ridiculously addictive, their depression-enhacing capabilities are through the roof. If there is any chance you can take them "again" (after short) just DONT. You can do it on some very remote occasion where someone "has" and you did not take any for a LONG LONG time. It can be fun, but DO NOT keep using it. Dont buy some for yourself. Just do some other shit, it is not worth it. It will get weird, and it will get depressing, and it not only destroys your mind, also your body.


Pfff i wrote a lot, see ya XDDD

 

[kyhoti]

Current: nicotine (pouches), internet scrolling (mostly Youtube). Both cost me time and money.

Past: alcohol, weed and narcotic pharmaceuticals. Kicking those to the curb took me years; they had robbed me of everything I held dear in life. Dope cost me my health, sanity, career and family. All those reasons for living are gone.

 

[UniqueWorm]

Self harm.
It started with punching myself, then sharpening a paperclip, then cutting, then burning and other more obscure ones when i was desperate. I would avoid hanging out with people at lunch so i could go into the bathroom and cut myself, i would avoid activities that i used to love because i could only wear longsleeves long pants and fingerless gloves, i would sit in the back of the bus where their werent people or cameras and burn myself.

Sometimes it was a distraction from flashbacks and pulled me out of them, sometimes it was so i could feel something instead or being numb, and other times it was to feel anything other than how i was feeling af the time.

The way stuff like that works is when you get injured your brain releases endorphins (and i think also dopamine? not fully sure) and it messes with how your brain produces them so you become dependent on it, simalar to some drug addictions.

I was kinda forced to quite when i got sent to residential because all i could do was scratch myself (and eventually not even that because they cut my nails REALLY short), and then punching myself just didnt do enough. It sucked, escapecially since i didnt replace it with anything

it hasnt been that bad for awhile. Ive had quite a few relapses, but its been a hot minute since it got super bad.
Honestly im kind of considering going back to it because my flashbacks are getting to be a bitch and im starting to get really bad intrusive thoughts and i dont know if going back to it or killing myself would be worse

sorry for the rant

 

[geraldofrivia]

used to be addicted to cutting but I can't do it anymore

 

[Forever Sleep]

I had a big problem with binge eating. I still don't have the greatest relationship with food. It's such a shit compulsion to have- something you actually have to do in moderation each day. Imagine telling an alcoholic or a chain smoker they had to have one drink or one cigarette per day but- no more. At my worst, there were just so many foods I simply couldn't have in the house because I couldn't trust myself. I'm better than I was at least.

 

[BroodingBleu]

As stupid as it sounds, I am insanely addicted to caffeine. I grew up Mormon and soda was always taboo, and eventually when I lost my faith, I tried it, and I have been drinking a soda every day since. When I stop and try to quit, my migraines I already have a problem with due to an unrelated issue, get ten times worse.

Besides that, it may sound weird, but I have an addiction to chasing a high, rather than a drug itself, if that makes any sense. I'm not addicted to any particular drug, but what I constantly crave, is a high or trip that allows me to escape, regardless of what its from. Although I do not dabble in harder drugs, opioids or psychedelics.

 

[kiki <3]

video games used be a serious addiction for me. however my depression has worsened so i currently only watch playthroughs before bed. though knowing myself i will get back to gaming relatively soon, i am just too tired now. and a lot of good stuff is coming out (stalker 2, SH2 remake, doom the dark ages, etc.) anyway.

nicotine, caffeine and fasting. i would rather have someone saw my legs and arms off than go one day without these three.

 

[Pluto]

 

[Rocinante]

Energy drinks. Something north of 4 a day

 

[Inuyasha]

Nicotine (vaping), caffeine (energy drinks) and gambling (sports betting).

 

[athiestjoe]

Social media, vaping, booze.

 

[notwhereIbelong]

Nicotine, 9 years now and it only gets worse. A pack of industrial cigarettes lasts me less than 24 hours
Caffeine, but honestly I consider this one a pleasure

I've been getting better when it comes to alcohol, but I still have my moments
I used to have a problem with xanax but I've been able to kick it, though I've started taking it again on occasion recently

 

[po1sentree]

Starving and caffeine.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

Social media is my worst addiction. Every time I've tried to quit, I just ended up taking the drugs / alcohol route.
I've somewhat accepted that a social media addiction is still less bad than a drugs / alcohol addiction, so I don't even bother trying to quit social media anymore even though I wish I could.