L
Life'sA6itch
Student
- Oct 29, 2023
- 101
Oh, pictures are quite telling. Most families do take pictures and make a general fuss about prom. Honestly, all photos of me stopped by the time I was 5 or 6. Any other photos were only those you were forced to take at school each year but my parents never bought them for me but they did for each of my sisters as they went through school. It hurts just saying the truth. I feel the same as you. All I know is that I want out. Problem is how and I would prefer that no one get any notice, I want to be cremated, no obit, funeral, memorial, nothing for them to parade about as if they cared. You are 100% accurate, this shit does not go away no matter what you do, how you attempt to cope with it or your age. I hope we all can find peaceYour situation sounds similar to mine in a lot of ways. My mom also never hugged or said she loved me. She hates me because I remind her of my dad. Nobody could be bothered to come to my college graduation. I remember going to prom and just getting dressed and leaving. Most families take pictures and make a big deal out of it. I was severely abused by both parents. This shit just sticks with you and eats at you. It's infected every relationship, jobs. I'm 51 and I would've thought I'd get over it by now but I'm worse now than ever. With the horrendous treatment I received, aside maybe with some serious intervention, ever stood much of a chance. All I know is that I just want out of this life.
Sometimes I want to just smack the unaware people who love to chirp that toxic positivity. "Things will only get better/positive vibes only/God only gives you what you can handle/etc." And as you touched on, it costs so much to simply exist, I'm surprised more people are not voicing the same thing about CTB due to the rising costs to simply exist especially if you're single.I am also tired of the people saying that things get better.
My latest burnout is the reason why I lost all hope. I had at least 3 burnouts in the past, but the current one is the absolute worst. It was a job that gave me purpose and I felt proud being part of the project. But it turned out that I was not made for it. At first, I blamed the harsh profit-focused working conditions, but seeing that other colleagues were fine doing the job I realized that it had to be me. I got so overwhelmed, it destroyed my problem solving ability (even in my personal life) and it gave me headaches, dizziness, tiredness... Out of shame I quit my job because I couldn't function anymore.
This experience made me realize that it's not worth to start all over again, because I know I will just fail again. My only option is working in uncomfortable jobs that may not overwhelm me but instead just give me the pointless hamster wheel experience.
Right now I am still living off my savings and will try to find meds/therapy that makes me numb, because.... Even though I think about CTB every day and also have ideas and plans for methods, I am still not ready yet to put that one person through misery when I am gone. But if he gives up on me and there is no way to avoid homelessness... Then I am gone
*Edit: typo
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