Really bad health due to being forced to cold turkey from a really high dose benzo habit. It's been two years next month that I've lived in a decaying body. I am trapped by anxiety so bad now that I worry about worrying. On the outside I am a stubborn, stoic person who refuses to let others see my internal suffering, on the inside, I am quickly rotting away to nothing. I feel like I am trapped inside a corpse, suspended in limbo somewhere between life and death.
The physical symptoms are unbearable, the constant feeling that my body is vibrating at a high frequency all the time is so bad I cannot sit up a lot of the time now, I have to lay down to relieve it in my groin area. It's there all the time no matter what, I have not had a day without it since the day I stopped taking the Benzos. I wish I could inflict it onto the doctor in charge of this mess back then, she wouldn't be able to do her job or anything.
I would stay in bed all the time if I could, if I did not have to get up and argue with my husband 24/7. That's all we do now, argue over how he cannot let the past go.
About three months ago I started bleeding in between my periods in the middle of every cycle, sounds like TMI, but it's just another draining complication of the forced cold turkey withdrawal. I am sure it's effected me even more, something is wrong with my hormones and it's effected my moods too. No doctor wants to know because if I tell them, they just blame it on drug use and dismiss me. They're not bothered.
That's also probably why I am so tired, having two periods a month doesn't help anyway.
I am being forced into another reduction on my subutex script too, I have severe pain issues and I am being expected to reduce a painkiller.
It's only 0.4mg I keep being told, but last time I dropped that tiny amount, I felt so low I could not even post on here. This time it will be removed from my script so I have no choice but to do it.
All this on top of my husband probably having to go back to work soon, and when he does, the situation at home will deteriorate even more because he's 'not with me all the time' and won't know what I order in the post or do in my spare time.
On the up side, if he does go back to work, that's a lot of free time I can use to CTB and finally be free of all this, I am waiting on my moment, and trying to access a method which is as pain free as possible. Ideally I would love to just go to sleep and never wake up.
