Help What should be included in a suicide note? Is there any way to say "do better" to someone who cared about you but still hurt you without hurting them?

[lessthanperfect]

I have a method. I'm ready to CTB.

Unfortunately, because a method wasn't previously available to me, I didn't finish writing my note until now and there is no way I'm leaving without writing a note to the one person I love (my sister) before going. Now that I'm physically capable of leaving, I don't know where to start with my letter.

I want her to know that I love her and that nothing she ever could've done would've prevented this and that the only reason I'm still alive today is because of her (and for the past six months after realizing there's no chance of recovery it was the fact that I haven't finished my letter to her).

Additionally, my sister unintentionally hurt me a lot, and (along with the rest of my family and my community) is one of my reasons to CTB.

I'm a closeted transgender man who has been repressed and told that other people like me are sinners and pedophiles and going to hell my entire life, including by her, and at this point the only people who actually care about the real me are internet strangers who barely care at all and forget about me the moment they switch posts. My sister, a die-hard conservative Christian Texan who believes all of the propaganda we've been taught our whole lives about gay/trans people and doesn't know that I'm one of them, is a genuinely good person who cares about others, including LGBTQ people, but is misinformed and therefore unintentionally extremely harmful. I used to be her before I realized who I am inside that I've been repressing my entire life and I don't want her to blame the "trans agenda" for killing me by making her "sister" think "she" has to be depressed and suicidal or to possibly become at risk due to the guilt of contributing to my choice to CTB.

Unfortunately, I'm not the only person who can be hurt by her point of view. If so, writing anything about this would be honest, but vengeful and without purpose. She's already stated that she's homeschooling her kids due to "indoctrination" and I really don't want her to harm her kids if they turn out gay/trans of raise another generation of kids who can hurt others for being gay/trans. I don't want any future LGBTQ children to be hurt when I could've stopped it, but I also don't want her to double down and hate me too because of writing this note.

Is there any way to write her a note showing her how she contributed to my suicide without hurting her and possibly causing another suicide?

Should I separate the two notes? ("Hey I love you and I'm sorry" and "Here's why I committed and how you unintentionally contributed, but here's how you can help people in my situation in the future")

Is there a specific way I should word it so as not to make her a) feel guilty and domino effect or b) hate me and become even more bigoted and hateful towards LGBTQ people who are still alive? I want her to have closure AND improve her behavior and treatment of other at-risk LGBTQ people but I really don't know how to give her both.

If there's no chance for both, would it be better to say nothing and let her continue to hold these harmful views?

Additionally, I want to write about why I chose to become an atheist. Should this all be in a combined note, in the first note with my "love you"s and apologies, in my second note with my info about being trans (it's directly related to both my suicidal ideation and being LGBTQ), or in a third note? What should the approximate lengths of each be so that I don't accidentally write a novel?

I'm autistic (Asperger's; my brain is functional and not impaired to make this decision) and everything I say is taken the wrong way but this is the one time it really counts that my point gets across clearly.

If any of this is confusing or wasn't explained clearly, don't be afraid to ask for clarification. Any help is welcome.

 

[howl pendragon]

First of all, I'm so sorry that you've had such a hard time, especially with the fact that you're a trans person and still in the closet. I'm also trans, and I know how much these issues hurt us inside. There isn't much more to say, only to feel... I feel for you, and for others like us.

About leaving a note, or not leaving it, I can't say. For me, it's something very personal and relative, and it will vary from person to person. But I saw this post recently that might help you think about some points, even to help you decide what would be the best way to act, whether choosing to leave a note or not. I hope it helps.

Disclaimer: I am not telling anyone that they shouldn't write a note. Ultimately, it is up to each individual to decide whether one wishes to leave a note for those in their lives (family, friends, acquaintances, strangers, etc.). Instead, this thread is just explaining another benefit of not leaving a note behind.

With that said, this is something that recently came to mind. Years ago, I was fixated on writing a note, then I wavered from wanting to and then not wanting to, and ultimately settling on not leaving a note behind. My reasoning (of course, speaking for myself) is that the amount of effort and energy spent into doing so would be in vain and nil, especially when people don't understand it and I wouldn't be around to clarify, not that I would want to be around to begin with (hence the act of CTB'ing)!

Furthermore, it is up to the survivors to deduce what is going on and I think the lack of knowledge of it is just easier (imho), and it's not like they would be persuaded nor come to an understanding of the why. If they get it, then that's great, but if they don't, it shouldn't be on the person who is CTB'ing to get them to understand (in reality, most wouldn't, or those who may understand still reject it due to some personal arbitrary reason or bias). Additionally, it misses the point of CTB'ing as an ultimate act of free will, to not only overcome one's strongest instinct to live, but also finding ultimate, permanent peace. Sure, the reasoning matters, but too oftenly I find that people (especially survivors) are fixated on the "why" rather than respecting one's wishes to go.

Finally, the most important niche benefit for not writing or leaving behind a note is that in the event someone screws up and survives, they can avoid letting other people (except for first responders and those close to them such as close friends or family) know that they intended to CTB but failed. Failing a CTB attempt is horrifying as it can (depending on the method) leave permanent injury and suffering as well as result in a worse aftermath. These consequences include, but are not limited to: additional scrutiny, a stay in the psych ward, and in the event of a permanent injury, not being able to try again or use the same/previous method as before. Another caveat of surviving an attempt and someone leaving a note is that depending on the degree of incapacitation and debility from the attempt, they may even lack the means to cancel or destroy their note after the failed attempt, leading others to discover the CTB while one is alive (just imagine the horror, humiliation, and embarrassment alone from that!), causing more urge to CTB while being unable to. Now, people can say but delayed emails and snail mail, but again, the caveat is that if one survives an attempt and is severely debilitated to such a degree that they couldn't cancel it or sent it via snail mail (will take time, but unable to cancel it once sent), then they would suffer the psychological aftermath of failure, which is another hell in-and-of itself. Prior to one CTB'ing, life is already hell, but failing and having one's own most inner most confessions and personal vulnerability on full display is another exponential level of suffering that words cannot describe.

Therefore, this is the one niche advantage of not leaving a note behind, it's in the rare event (shouldn't happen but again nothing is 100% guaranteed in this existence) that one fails. Once again, I am not telling people that they shouldn't leave a note, write a note as it is up to the individual themselves. If they find closure in doing so and/or wish to for whatever reason (or lack thereof), then it is their prerogative and I respect their decision.

Regardless of your decision, I sincerely hope that you find the peace and healing you seek. Even if it's on the other side.

 

[SoftWorries]

There is no way for a note no matter how well written to do all of those things. From the sound of it you sister will definitely blame your being transexual for killing you and double down on feeling that people are being indoctrinated. Also they'll all misgender you at your funeral.

Have you considered instead of trying to open the minds and hearts of conservative Texan right wing Christian zealots you could move somewhere else entirely? Like that's one of the worst places on earth to be let alone to be trans

All big cities have large LGBTQ+ communities that are totally accepting. You need to find new family to make a life worth living.

I don't see an issue with ctb but if I had died because of my stupid ignorant hateful family hate would have won.

There's lots of trans people on here already. You could make a post seeking trans support if you were interested. There's also trans helplines.

Good luck whatever happens

 

[WorthlessTrash]

There's lots of trans people on here already. You could make a post seeking trans support if you were interested. There's also trans helplines.

Sadly, this shows just how difficult living with being born the wrong sex is.

There's a thread here for all gender dysphoric users to interact: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/transgender-support-megathread.116555/

 

[lessthanperfect]

There is no way for a note no matter how well written to do all of those things. From the sound of it you sister will definitely blame your being transexual for killing you and double down on feeling that people are being indoctrinated. Also they'll all misgender you at your funeral.

Ah. So it would be better to say nothing about being trans and atheist and just write the "love you bye" note?

I'm not trying to make an impact on anyone else in my family or community. I just wish my sister could be different or grow as a person since I know she's the most capable.

Have you considered instead of trying to open the minds and hearts of conservative Texan right wing Christian zealots you could move somewhere else entirely? Like that's one of the worst places on earth to be let alone to be trans

All big cities have large LGBTQ+ communities that are totally accepting. You need to find new family to make a life worth living.

I don't see an issue with ctb but if I had died because of my stupid ignorant hateful family hate would have won.

There's lots of trans people on here already. You could make a post seeking trans support if you were interested. There's also trans helplines.

Good luck whatever happens

I understand your reasoning and appreciate the advice but I wish it was as easy as moving away and finding new support.

Although being trans has been one of the largest reasons for me wanting to CTB, growing up with ASD and ADHD has been horrible and there's unfortunately nothing I can do to change that.

Additionally, being a depressed teenager during the years that were most important to making sure I have a future have really wrecked my chances at life.

I'm going to try to last as long as I can and maybe make something of my life but I know for a fact that I need to get all of my affairs in order in case I decide to go too quickly to prepare because even though having my note prepared would make me more likely to CTB, it would also keep me from leaving too soon without it done and I at least need to tell my sister how she was the only thing that allowed me to be happy for the short-lived time that I was.

Once that's all in order it's up to making decisions to make life as worthwhile as possible without worrying about the long-term consequences until I actually have a reason to care.

 

[SoftWorries]

Do

Ah. So it would be better to say nothing about being trans and atheist and just write the "love you bye" note?

I'm not trying to make an impact on anyone else in my family or community. I just wish my sister could be different or grow as a person since I know she's the most capable.


I understand your reasoning and appreciate the advice but I wish it was as easy as moving away and finding new support.

Although being trans has been one of the largest reasons for me wanting to CTB, growing up with ASD and ADHD has been horrible and there's unfortunately nothing I can do to change that.

Additionally, being a depressed teenager during the years that were most important to making sure I have a future have really wrecked my chances at life.

I'm going to try to last as long as I can and maybe make something of my life but I know for a fact that I need to get all of my affairs in order in case I decide to go too quickly to prepare because even though having my note prepared would make me more likely to CTB, it would also keep me from leaving too soon without it done and I at least need to tell my sister how she was the only thing that allowed me to be happy for the short-lived time that I was.

Once that's all in order it's up to making decisions to make life as worthwhile as possible without worrying about the long-term consequences until I actually have a reason to care.

I completely respect that but I just want to be sure you've tried stimulants to help your ADHD right?

With ADHD you're not feeling your dopamine even though you produce it. With stimulants it creates a 'bridge' that the dopamine can pass over so you can feel it. People with ADHD find stimulants relaxing for this reason. If you remove dopamine from a mouse's brain they won't eat until they starve to death even if food is right beside them.

While it's true that you can't be rid of it it makes me wonder if as an adult you'll tried taking stimulants. I had a suicidal ex for ten years who had ADHD and lack of will to live which improved greatly with stimulants once he was finally willing to go to the doctor and start taking them.

 

[Aisley]

Dear S, I love you more than (insert noun) and you've been there for me in times when I needed you. You've supported me in all ways I asked for... and some random, personal stuff in here that applies... I know you have your stong opinions about this next one, but I also know that you would have supported me in this, as well, just as you would support anyone else you love who might have had the same problem, because that's the warm beautiful person you are. I'm trans. I have always been, and I believe you have known for almost as long as me, whether you let yourself acknowledge it or not. Whatever. I say that I know you would have supported me, because I know it, and because I really don't want you to think that this has anything to do with my decision to opt out of life. The list for that choice is ar too long to be solely laid at the feet of being born in the wrong skin.

Just a little string of thought-words you may or may not find useful. When people think there were expectations for them to have lived up to, they often take those on. I would have it all in one note, but I don't know what else you're needing to put in there. And I wouldn't say anything about the atheism stuff. It would serve no purpose, and she would KNOW that you're in hell. If she thinks you died a Christian, she has room to hope for you. I'm an atheist myself, just so you see where I'm coming from here, but some people think there's nothing worse, nothing, than being atheist.
Take care, and take your time.

 

[lessthanperfect]

Dear S, I love you more than (insert noun) and you've been there for me in times when I needed you. You've supported me in all ways I asked for... and some random, personal stuff in here that applies... I know you have your stong opinions about this next one, but I also know that you would have supported me in this, as well, just as you would support anyone else you love who might have had the same problem, because that's the warm beautiful person you are. I'm trans. I have always been, and I believe you have known for almost as long as me, whether you let yourself acknowledge it or not. Whatever. I say that I know you would have supported me, because I know it, and because I really don't want you to think that this has anything to do with my decision to opt out of life. The list for that choice is ar too long to be solely laid at the feet of being born in the wrong skin.

Just a little string of thought-words you may or may not find useful. When people think there were expectations for them to have lived up to, they often take those on. I would have it all in one note, but I don't know what else you're needing to put in there.

Thank you. This is very helpful.

Do you think I should mention it? Would you rather know if it was your loved one and your bigotry hurt them?

And I wouldn't say anything about the atheism stuff. It would serve no purpose, and she would KNOW that you're in hell. If she thinks you died a Christian, she has room to hope for you. I'm an atheist myself, just so you see where I'm coming from here, but some people think there's nothing worse, nothing, than being atheist.
Take care, and take your time.

That makes sense. I'm not so sure how I could get her to understand me being trans without bringing it up though, as her transphobia (and the fact that I'm supposed to be transphobic) is rooted in religious zealotry.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry for your situation. Maybe this is way off- but- what do you think would happen if you opened up about being trans to her before you CTB? Would she ostracize you do you think? Would having support from your sister in that regard make life any better for you?

It's a different situation- likely a lot less severe but my Dad can say pretty homophobic things sometimes. He says he isn't- but then- you don't say that kind of stuff if you're not. I'm not actually gay but I do think he would kind of have to accept it if I was- because I know he does love me. I wonder if your sister would do the same. People's perspectives do sometimes change when the situation becomes personal.

I don't know- I just feel like this kind of thing needs to be a conversation really. It's hard to put it all in a letter. Still- you know your family best. If you think that would be better, I wish you all the best with it.

 

[Aisley]

Thank you. This is very helpful.

Do you think I should mention it? Would you rather know if it was your loved one and your bigotry hurt them?


That makes sense. I'm not so sure how I could get her to understand me being trans without bringing it up though, as her transphobia (and the fact that I'm supposed to be transphobic) is rooted in religious zealotry.

i think she'll get there on her own. She'll digest and over digest until it sinks in, and you'll have said it in the gentlest way that I can think of right now, by saying you know she would have supported you. Maybe someone smarter than me will have something better. And I really wouldn't say a word about god. It would muddy up waters that will already be choppy as hell, and she'll only think you were left bereft of morals by turning your back on god. Maybe even ask her to pray for you - that's how much of a messy thing it would be to say you're atheist. Like if you went up to her right now, and asked her to pick the worst thing for you to be, gay, trans or atheist, that's the one she'd pick. Atheist. Godless.
Also, it has been said here that cops keep suicide letters. Idk if it's true or not.

Also,.I would want to know if I'd hurt someone who matters. Didn't mean to avoid that question.

 

[lessthanperfect]

I'm so sorry for your situation. Maybe this is way off- but- what do you think would happen if you opened up about being trans to her before you CTB? Would she ostracize you do you think? Would having support from your sister in that regard make life any better for you?

It's a different situation- likely a lot less severe but my Dad can say pretty homophobic things sometimes. He says he isn't- but then- you don't say that kind of stuff if you're not. I'm not actually gay but I do think he would kind of have to accept it if I was- because I know he does love me. I wonder if your sister would do the same. People's perspectives do sometimes change when the situation becomes personal.

I don't know- I just feel like this kind of thing needs to be a conversation really. It's hard to put it all in a letter. Still- you know your family best. If you think that would be better, I wish you all the best with it.

My reasoning for writing a letter is selfish self-preservation. I know it wouldn't be easy to change her mind and if it turns out to be impossible I won't have to deal with the consequences.

She lost her best friend of 16+ years a couple years ago over them coming out as non-binary and still believes it was the friend's fault for "sacrificing friendships because she wanted to be trendy". I know she's a good person deep inside but I also know brainwashing is super difficult to overcome and though I'd have gotten over it if she'd been the LGBTQ sibling, I don't have the confidence or certainty to truly know for sure that she'd still love me and see me as who I am if I told her.

Edit: She was unfriended. I didn't realize until posting the reply that it sounds like they killed themself. They did not.

(She wouldn't see me as a demon and a liar; the worst she'd see me as is naive and brainwashed, which still isn't great.)

i think she'll get there on her own. She'll digest and over digest until it sinks in, and you'll have said it in the gentlest way that I can think of right now, by saying you know she would have supported you. Maybe someone smarter than me will have something better. And I really wouldn't say a word about god. It would muddy up waters that will already be choppy as hell, and she'll only think you were left bereft of morals by turning your back on god. Maybe even ask her to pray for you - that's how much of a messy thing it would be to say you're atheist. Like if you went up to her right now, and asked her to pick the worst thing for you to be, gay, trans or atheist, that's the one she'd pick. Atheist. Godless.
Also, it has been said here that cops keep suicide letters. Idk if it's true or not.

Also,.I would want to know if I'd hurt someone who matters. Didn't mean to avoid that question.

Thank you. You've given me a lot of good advice.

Asking her to pray for me sounds a little too heartless because I know it'll be fruitless and that doing exactly that when I first realized I was suicidal (praying away the depression, not praying away the gay yet) made me much much worse off. Your logic is sound though so I'll think about it.

Also, it has been said here that cops keep suicide letters. Idk if it's true or not.

I've heard that as well which is why I'm writing at least three. One to the cops to say "hey I wasn't pressured or abused. I was in a sound mind when making this decision," one to everyone to say "love you, sorry, bye" in as concise a way as possible, and at least one but possibly more to my sister if I have to separate them because she's the most important person in my life and I care much more about her than everyone else.

The one to the cops would be on my person or right beside me in a sealed plastic bag (because my preferred method right now is a gunshot) and the other two would be hidden in a place that's emailed to my sister where to look a few days after I CTB. Ironically, I've planned out the letter distribution part more than the actual letters.

 

[Linda]

I have a method. I'm ready to CTB.

Unfortunately, because a method wasn't previously available to me, I didn't finish writing my note until now and there is no way I'm leaving without writing a note to the one person I love (my sister) before going. Now that I'm physically capable of leaving, I don't know where to start with my letter.

I want her to know that I love her and that nothing she ever could've done would've prevented this and that the only reason I'm still alive today is because of her (and for the past six months after realizing there's no chance of recovery it was the fact that I haven't finished my letter to her).

Additionally, my sister unintentionally hurt me a lot, and (along with the rest of my family and my community) is one of my reasons to CTB.

I'm a closeted transgender man who has been repressed and told that other people like me are sinners and pedophiles and going to hell my entire life, including by her, and at this point the only people who actually care about the real me are internet strangers who barely care at all and forget about me the moment they switch posts. My sister, a die-hard conservative Christian Texan who believes all of the propaganda we've been taught our whole lives about gay/trans people and doesn't know that I'm one of them, is a genuinely good person who cares about others, including LGBTQ people, but is misinformed and therefore unintentionally extremely harmful. I used to be her before I realized who I am inside that I've been repressing my entire life and I don't want her to blame the "trans agenda" for killing me by making her "sister" think "she" has to be depressed and suicidal or to possibly become at risk due to the guilt of contributing to my choice to CTB.

Unfortunately, I'm not the only person who can be hurt by her point of view. If so, writing anything about this would be honest, but vengeful and without purpose. She's already stated that she's homeschooling her kids due to "indoctrination" and I really don't want her to harm her kids if they turn out gay/trans of raise another generation of kids who can hurt others for being gay/trans. I don't want any future LGBTQ children to be hurt when I could've stopped it, but I also don't want her to double down and hate me too because of writing this note.

Is there any way to write her a note showing her how she contributed to my suicide without hurting her and possibly causing another suicide?

Should I separate the two notes? ("Hey I love you and I'm sorry" and "Here's why I committed and how you unintentionally contributed, but here's how you can help people in my situation in the future")

Is there a specific way I should word it so as not to make her a) feel guilty and domino effect or b) hate me and become even more bigoted and hateful towards LGBTQ people who are still alive? I want her to have closure AND improve her behavior and treatment of other at-risk LGBTQ people but I really don't know how to give her both.

If there's no chance for both, would it be better to say nothing and let her continue to hold these harmful views?

Additionally, I want to write about why I chose to become an atheist. Should this all be in a combined note, in the first note with my "love you"s and apologies, in my second note with my info about being trans (it's directly related to both my suicidal ideation and being LGBTQ), or in a third note? What should the approximate lengths of each be so that I don't accidentally write a novel?

I'm autistic (Asperger's; my brain is functional and not impaired to make this decision) and everything I say is taken the wrong way but this is the one time it really counts that my point gets across clearly.

If any of this is confusing or wasn't explained clearly, don't be afraid to ask for clarification. Any help is welcome.

This is difficult. I think it best simply to tell it like it is, but without anger and without blaming anyone. Tell her what happened (clearly, simply, concisely and objectvely, if you can manage to write like that). Tell her why (in the same way). Dont ramble around all over the place: keep to the points you want to make. Of course you should tell her that you love her. But I also think it would be a good idea to say that you think she needs to reconsider some of her opinions, because they harm people, though it is particularly important that you avoid anger and blame at this point. Let her draw her own conclusions. Whether she takes note of what you say or becomes even more bigoted is beyond your control.

That's quite a lot for one note. Perhaps enough. If you want to tell her why you became an atheist, then perhaps a separate note would be the way to do it. It is, after all, a separate subject. (I'm atheist too. My reason is that there is simply no evidence at all that the claims of christianity are true - so why believe them? I know that christianity is evil, harmful, and a whole bunch of other unpleasant things, but that's not the main reason for me.)

It sounds as though you have made up your mind to ctb, and I'm not going to try to dissuade you. But if you are not completely certain, it seems to me, from the very few details you give in your post, that the one thing you must do is get away from your family and from the toxic religious environment around you. If moving to another part of the country is an option for you, it might be a good choice.

If you want to PM me, feel free to do so. Yes, I'm an "internet stranger". But it's not true that I "barely care at all". The situation you are in makes me extremely angry, and I have been angry about the way trans people are treated since I read about Leelah Alcorn's suicide - for the same reasons you are facing - back in 2015. (Leelah was a trans woman.) I will do whatever I can to help.

 

[lessthanperfect]

This is difficult. I think it best simply to tell it like it is, but without anger and without blaming anyone. Tell her what happened (clearly, simply, concisely and objectvely, if you can manage to write like that). Tell her why (in the same way). Dont ramble around all over the place: keep to the points you want to make. Of course you should tell her that you love her. But I also think it would be a good idea to say that you think she needs to reconsider some of her opinions, because they harm people, though it is particularly important that you avoid anger and blame at this point. Let her draw her own conclusions. Whether she takes note of what you say or becomes even more bigoted is beyond your control.

Thank you. I really would like to tell her because even if I don't have the strength to do it while I'm still here, I'd feel useless if she would've ended up listening to my last effort plea and reforming her bigotry to treat people like they're human and like they belong not despite their differences but including their differences, yet I decided not to leave it in my note so it never happened.

That's quite a lot for one note. Perhaps enough. If you want to tell her why you became an atheist, then perhaps a separate note would be the way to do it. It is, after all, a separate subject.

I agree. Would you separate it as #1: goodbye and #2: trans + atheism OR #1: goodbye + trans and #2 atheism OR #1: goodbye + atheism and #2: trans OR just all separate?

(I'm atheist too. My reason is that there is simply no evidence at all that the claims of christianity are true - so why believe them? I know that christianity is evil, harmful, and a whole bunch of other unpleasant things, but that's not the main reason for me.)

My reasoning for being an atheist is "smarter people than me have done the research I'm too lazy to do and come up with conclusions that make more sense than religion".

My reasoning for considering being an atheist in the first place is that a "loving god" wouldn't let a child suffer in the way I have. Not my reasoning for staying one. It's significant though because her explanation for everything is "well, let's look at what the Bible says" and I need to be explicitly clear that it doesn't apply here.

(In Christianity, there are four reasons to suffer. #1: You deserve it. I don't think stealing candy and hiding the wrappers behind the couch at four years old was enough sin to cause me to be praying to die young at five. #2: God is testing you. Again, any god that would torture a child in the way God did to me if he exists is evil and I want nothing to do with him. #3: Free will did it; a.k.a. it's another human's fault. Again, I don't see how free will made me want to die in elementary school after 0 abuse and 0 trauma (other than the depression itself). #4: The Devil did it and God let it happen. Outside of category #2, this makes him evil, and since I've already explained why #2 doesn't apply, there's no logical excuse.)

It sounds as though you have made up your mind to ctb, and I'm not going to try to dissuade you. But if you are not completely certain, it seems to me, from the very few details you give in your post, that the one thing you must do is get away from your family and from the toxic religious environment around you. If moving to another part of the country is an option for you, it might be a good choice.

Yes, this might end up being the better choice. I'm 90% sure I'll still want to commit suicide in an accepting environment (due to my AuDHD and the fact that I wrecked my life while a depressed teenager in high school).

I'm going to try as long as I can to stay and find some meaning in life if I can but I also know myself and that I'm a very impulsive person and now that I have an available method, I need to be fully prepared in case I choose to act quickly and don't have time to write a suicide note in the time it takes me to do it.

If you want to PM me, feel free to do so. Yes, I'm an "internet stranger". But it's not true that I "barely care at all". The situation you are in makes me extremely angry, and I have been angry about the way trans people are treated since I read about Leelah Alcorn's suicide - for the same reasons you are facing - back in 2015. (Leelah was a trans woman.) I will do whatever I can to help.

Oof. I'm sorry for how that sounded. I meant more of Reddit (r/trans, etc.) internet strangers rather than SS ones. Thank you for your kindness. I can definitely see from what you wrote and the time it took to do so that you guys care much more than the average internet stranger and I appreciate that you care so much about the struggles of others when it's something you can't/won't ever experience.

 

[Forever Sleep]

My reasoning for writing a letter is selfish self-preservation. I know it wouldn't be easy to change her mind and if it turns out to be impossible I won't have to deal with the consequences.

She lost her best friend of 16+ years a couple years ago over them coming out as non-binary and still believes it was the friend's fault for "sacrificing friendships because she wanted to be trendy". I know she's a good person deep inside but I also know brainwashing is super difficult to overcome and though I'd have gotten over it if she'd been the LGBTQ sibling, I don't have the confidence or certainty to truly know for sure that she'd still love me and see me as who I am if I told her.

Edit: She was unfriended. I didn't realize until posting the reply that it sounds like they killed themself. They did not.

(She wouldn't see me as a demon and a liar; the worst she'd see me as is naive and brainwashed, which still isn't great.)


Thank you. You've given me a lot of good advice.

Asking her to pray for me sounds a little too heartless because I know it'll be fruitless and that doing exactly that when I first realized I was suicidal (praying away the depression, not praying away the gay yet) made me much much worse off. Your logic is sound though so I'll think about it.


I've heard that as well which is why I'm writing at least three. One to the cops to say "hey I wasn't pressured or abused. I was in a sound mind when making this decision," one to everyone to say "love you, sorry, bye" in as concise a way as possible, and at least one but possibly more to my sister if I have to separate them because she's the most important person in my life and I care much more about her than everyone else.

The one to the cops would be on my person or right beside me in a sealed plastic bag (because my preferred method right now is a gunshot) and the other two would be hidden in a place that's emailed to my sister where to look a few days after I CTB. Ironically, I've planned out the letter distribution part more than the actual letters.

Oh- I'm sorry. Yeah- it does sound as if she is very much stuck in her ways. I would think that what you intend to write sounds good. That her love and support was so important to you. I would have thought- just by saying you realised you were trans but were fearful to reveal it due to the backlash it would likely cause would be enough. She ought to be able to work it out from there. It's just so sad. I wish things were different.

 

[Linda]

Thank you. I really would like to tell her because even if I don't have the strength to do it while I'm still here, I'd feel useless if she would've ended up listening to my last effort plea and reforming her bigotry to treat people like they're human and like they belong not despite their differences but including their differences, yet I decided not to leave it in my note so it never happened.


I agree. Would you separate it as #1: goodbye and #2: trans + atheism OR #1: goodbye + trans and #2 atheism OR #1: goodbye + atheism and #2: trans OR just all separate?


My reasoning for being an atheist is "smarter people than me have done the research I'm too lazy to do and come up with conclusions that make more sense than religion".

My reasoning for considering being an atheist in the first place is that a "loving god" wouldn't let a child suffer in the way I have. Not my reasoning for staying one. It's significant though because her explanation for everything is "well, let's look at what the Bible says" and I need to be explicitly clear that it doesn't apply here.

(In Christianity, there are four reasons to suffer. #1: You deserve it. I don't think stealing candy and hiding the wrappers behind the couch at four years old was enough sin to cause me to be praying to die young at five. #2: God is testing you. Again, any god that would torture a child in the way God did to me if he exists is evil and I want nothing to do with him. #3: Free will did it; a.k.a. it's another human's fault. Again, I don't see how free will made me want to die in elementary school after 0 abuse and 0 trauma (other than the depression itself). #4: The Devil did it and God let it happen. Outside of category #2, this makes him evil, and since I've already explained why #2 doesn't apply, there's no logical excuse.)


Yes, this might end up being the better choice. I'm 90% sure I'll still want to commit suicide in an accepting environment (due to my AuDHD and the fact that I wrecked my life while a depressed teenager in high school).

I'm going to try as long as I can to stay and find some meaning in life if I can but I also know myself and that I'm a very impulsive person and now that I have an available method, I need to be fully prepared in case I choose to act quickly and don't have time to write a suicide note in the time it takes me to do it.


Oof. I'm sorry for how that sounded. I meant more of Reddit (r/trans, etc.) internet strangers rather than SS ones. Thank you for your kindness. I can definitely see from what you wrote and the time it took to do so that you guys care much more than the average internet stranger and I appreciate that you care so much about the struggles of others when it's something you can't/won't ever experience.

My feeling is that the "goodbye + trans" stuff should go into a single note. If you weren't trans, they wouldn't have driven you into your present, close-to-suicide state. I would try to ensure that it is the note that gets read first, since it deals with the more important matters. The atheism stuff is not closely related to those matters, and I think it's best kept separate.

Incidentally, I dont care a **** what the bible says about anything. Why should I care? It was written by people, long ago, for their own purposes, in a world that was very different from my world today. Unless your sister can demonstrate that (1) there is a god, and (2) he wrote the bible, why should she care what the bible says either? (The reason she takes the bible seriously is she was brainwashed as a child into taking it seriously, but that's an utterly pathetic reason.)

 

[cgrtt.brns]

man this is difficult. i really feel for your op, im so sorry your environment has made it so impossible for you to be yourself. its such a painful thing to hear of closeted trans people departing before even being able to be themselves, it shatters my heart.

im no good with words so im sorry i cant help in that regard. i do definitely relate to you in being autistic and having everything i say taken the wrong way. its so frustrating especially when it comes to matters we hold so important.

i feel for you not wanting future lgbt kids to have to struggle, i definitely feel this too and its one thing that both contributes to and prevents my ctb. its such a shame that so many of the most compassionate people are the ones who cant take the suffering.

i agree with a lot of what people have mentioned in previous comments about getting out of your current environment, or perhaps trying to come out to your sister and change her mind, only if it is 100% safe to do so. i really do hope you can manage to finally live as yourself. if not, im so deeply sorry you got dealt such a shit hand in life, i know this probably doesnt mean much from an internet stranger, but i will always remember you as a man. whatever happens, i really wish you the best, and you'll be in my thoughts.