Venting What on earth is wrong with me?

[~GeminiVII~]

I feel like I need to just rant. Not expecting anyone to read this, but if you're here. Hi.

Ever since I was a teenager, I felt different. To the point that I was pretty much ostracized by the entire school for being the "weird fat gay kid". And by no means am I saying that it was my sexuality that made me different. I just genuinely didn't seem to fit in. I was bullied throughout secondary/high school, which continued into college, and now into my working life. Because of the constant mocking/bullying in school/out of school/online, I ended up getting severely depressed from the age of 14. Anorexic at 17 losing 9 stone in weight, and to this day I am still extremely body dysmorphic.

With that tangent out of the way, why am I the way I am? I have always wanted a boyfriend yet I physically have never been able to bring myself to date. I've not even kissed anyone before. Even someone trying to hug me makes me shudder. I have struggled with social anxiety so much throughout my life its unbearable. But why is it so hard for me? I see so many people who suffer with depression/anxiety who have been or are in relationships. What is so wrong with me that I can't even talk to a guy without feeling overwhelmingly self conscious.

I had this pathetic wish that I'd lose my virginity before my 24th birthday but the more and more I keep mentally spiralling, I don't even think I'll be around to see it at this point. I keep trying to hold on thinking life will improve but apparently life just continues to get worse and worse. I keep trying new hobbies that I just give up on. I try and make plans and end up just bed rotting instead. Starting jobs only to be bullied out of them. Now I have been unemployed for 4 months (been searching for jobs for 2 years but the bulling got unbearable that I had to hand my notice in) and I can't find anything else, all my money and savings vanished to bills. The doctors keep increasing my prozac dosage like that is making any difference.

There is still a part of me that keeps trying to hold on. Whether thats just being too afraid to die, I don't know. There is nothing keeping me here anymore so I don't know what I am so scared of. Maybe I've just lost that much interest in life that even the thought of killing myself is a pain. I have been here long enough to know that nothing is ever going to change. I am always going to be that depressed, socially awkward, body dysmorphic, virgin failure who can't stand the sight of himself. I just wish I knew what I could do to change things. Wish I had some idea of what the fuck is wrong with me? I have tried for years but nothing makes a difference.

I have gone down so many rabbit holes. Am I Autistic? Do I have ADD? All I have ever seemed to work out is I have unresolved trauma from all the bullying. But therapy has always been useless for me and anti depressant haven't touched the surface so I don't know what else to do anymore.

I guess if you read all the way through, would be good to know if anyone relates in a way? Or has any idea what is wrong with me - because I'm out of options, and the doctors/therapists are as much use as a chocolate teapot. "Oh you're feeling sad? I think as well as your depression/anxiety, you may be suffering with PTSD, I am increasing your dosage an extra 20mg!"

 

[Hollowman]

I don't have any advice but I can relate. Dr's definitely suck.

 

[DivineSpark]

I always felt out of place. Like an outcast. I was searching for higher purpose for life than just eat, work, procreate and then die.

 

[~GeminiVII~]

I always felt out of place. Like an outcast. I was searching for higher purpose for life than just eat, work, procreate and then die.

Glad I'm not the only one. Just don't think I am ever going to find a purpose in life. We all get told at an early age to study hard, get a good job, get married and start the next generation. What are you supposed to do if you can't manage any of that? Just get labelled as a "failure" by society. What a way to live...

 

[tiredoflife2]

It's probably stems from the bullying at school. It can cause a lot of trauma to a child. Maybe a good therapist would help, but, I guess they're expensive and some are awful.

The touch thing does sound a bit autistic if I'm honest. Or it could be a defense thing if you've had past bullying. The funny thing in life, the bullies always end up living a good life, whilst their victims are left damaged.

 

[NonEssential]

Being an outcast at school. Having social anxiety. Never being able to date (unable to ever lose virginity). I know way too well the kind of pain that loneliess causes.

 

[Hollowman]

It's probably stems from the bullying at school. It can cause a lot of trauma to a child. Maybe a good therapist would help, but, I guess they're expensive and some are awful.

The touch thing does sound a bit autistic if I'm honest. Or it could be a defense thing if you've had past bullying. The funny thing in life, the bullies always end up living a good life, whilst their victims are left damaged.

Not always I used to be a bully. Wish I wouldn't have been.

 

[~GeminiVII~]

It's probably stems from the bullying at school. It can cause a lot of trauma to a child. Maybe a good therapist would help, but, I guess they're expensive and some are awful.

The touch thing does sound a bit autistic if I'm honest. Or it could be a defense thing if you've had past bullying. The funny thing in life, the bullies always end up living a good life, whilst their victims are left damaged.

thanks for the reply! the bullying is the only thing that makes sense. ive gone through four different therapists and they were all a waste. im seeing a new therapist next week but if that doesnt work out, i really dont think theres anything rewiring my brain at this point. i constantly tell myself to get over the past but i just shut down in situations.

i went down the autistic route but apart from being scared to be touched, i dont feel like i can relate to anything else. if i personally go in for a hug with my nieces for example i feel somewhat okay, but if anyone tries to hug me or even touch me i just stiffen up and get self conscious. i think im just that scarred from the constant bullying and beating up as a kid/teen.

Not always I used to be a bully. Wish I wouldn't have been.

i know one of the worst bullys was projecting self hatred onto me, but many of the other ones from what i saw had perfect lives and continue to do so on social media (though i know most people just lie on facebook and instagram lol). i guess it just depends on the person

 

[tiredoflife2]

thanks for the reply! the bullying is the only thing that makes sense. ive gone through four different therapists and they were all a waste. im seeing a new therapist next week but if that doesnt work out, i really dont think theres anything rewiring my brain at this point. i constantly tell myself to get over the past but i just shut down in situations.

i went down the autistic route but apart from being scared to be touched, i dont feel like i can relate to anything else. if i personally go in for a hug with my nieces for example i feel somewhat okay, but if anyone tries to hug me or even touch me i just stiffen up and get self conscious. i think im just that scarred from the constant bullying and beating up as a kid/teen.

i know one of the worst bullys was projecting self hatred onto me, but many of the other ones from what i saw had perfect lives and continue to do so on social media (though i know most people just lie on facebook and instagram lol). i guess it just depends on the person

Have you ever heard of cptsd? There's a book written about it called, The Body Keeps the Score. That might help get some idea what's causing it. I got bullied, a lot by an older sibling, the book helped me a bit.