What my current breakdown looks like

[TheLastYoyo]

Hi guys. I really, really hope this post doesn't get deleted. I'm in the middle of a big breakdown. I really, really need someone, anyone to read it and help shed some light on to what's going on. I know none of you are therapists (or maybe someone is, lol). I am in therapy, I do all the things. I have resources and medication. I just...A stranger's guidance would be helpful, I'm so tired of venting to friends and therapists or those volunteers on 988...I know it's long as hell. I hope it's at least an interesting read if nothing else.
Here's a much shorter thread I made a month ago.

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I got in a fight with my boyfriend. I struggle with feelings of self-worth. I guess that's my biggest issue. I lost the ability to care for myself, so now the only way I can feel worthy is to take that from him. Take it. Instead of appreciating what he gives me, I ask for more. I beg for it. I take his kindness and I guilt him into giving me more than he has.

But I get confused. Because I try not to do that to him.

He's been offering me so much support since we started dating. We met 1 year ago. Maybe 9 months ago, I lost my cool. It's just been getting worse and worse. The past 2 months have been the hardest. I cry daily, I'm suicidal daily, I beg for it to stop. Last week, we spent every day together, and on Saturday we went to the amusement park and then hung out with his friends, then spent all night together. He did that for me, because I was struggling. He stayed by my side without complaint, listening to me and holding me.


So I tried to give him space. On Sunday, I spent the day by myself, went to the gym. We spent time together when I got back, but I didn't mean to. I thought, "I'll just get some 18+ cuddles in, and then I'll go to bed. Just an hour of the day with him." But I think it ended up being several hours together.

On Monday, I did give him the whole day alone. The whole day. (NOTE: I work Monday - Friday, roughly 6am - 5pm)

Tuesday, I tried to leave him alone. He asked if I'm fasting or if we were eating together. I said I'd eat dinner in my room. (So I turned him down!)
I rode on my new bike. I didn't even get back home until after 8pm! But he came to me after this, we spent time together because he wanted to watch a TV show with me. In my mind, this was "Bonus content" - just...me getting the gift of spending time with him because he wants to. I didn't feel this counted against my "debt".

Wednesday, I came home and went to bed immediately. We only spent 30 minutes together. I slept all night long and went to work at 5am. This was a day 100% alone!

Thursday, I was very sleepy, but also anxious. I asked him if he could cuddle me as I fell asleep. But I couldn't fall asleep. And we accidentally spent the night together. This was my fault. I made a mistake. I didn't ask him to watch TV shows with me, he brought it up, but I should have said no.

Friday, yesterday? I hung out with a friend. This was the first time I've hung out with someone besides my boyfriend in so long. Months and months. I didn't get back home until 1am! My boyfriend asked me how my day was. I said, "Can I have alone time for 20 minutes first, and then tell you about my day?" I'd already told him I was having a really bad day and that I was going to do everything I can, but I really need his support today. But I guess he forgot or didn't know how bad it was, beause he said "I'll try to stay awake". Which is different than "Yes, of course". But inside my fucked-up mind, I know I'm being selfish. To ask him to stay awake for an extra 20 minutes for me?
But it's not that much to ask, is it? He stays up until 2am, 3am, 4am, all the time! And I was having a bad mental day! it was only 20 extra minutes? But my brain went crazy, I started to cry, I was upset because he said "I'll try to stay awake". But why am I upset about it? I don't understand, my brain is so foggy?

I'm very confused even right now. I worry these people on the internet (you guys!) are going to think my boyfriend must have done something horribly wrong, said something bad, to make me act this way, but that's the thing. He didn't. He's actually a sweet and loving person, and everything I'm typing is accurate - I lost my shit just beacuse he said "I'll try to stay awake".

So, he stayed up until past 3am comforting me. Even now, I am confused, and the world is cloudy. I REPEATEDLY told him, "If this is too much for you, you can say you are tired and need to go to bed - you don't have to comfort me, You can put a boundary in place. Just tell me what you need."

But he would only say "It's okay" and hug me. He never told me to stop, he never asked me for anything, even though I begged him to. So was I being a burden? I was trying so hard not to be. I was offering to let him "get out" of it, but he wasn't taking it. I wasn't forcing him to stay! He knows I meant it that I would be okay if he left to go to bed. I am confused.

So this morning...He didn't wake up until 2pm. We talked for a bit, and then he said he'd go get alone time. And I said, "Okay. But, I tried to give you alone time all week. I was hoping I could spend time with you today, just today."

And now the world is spinning, I'm confused and angry. I hate myself and I don't understand. Instead of him saying, "Yeah, we can do that!" his response was, "We spent last night together, and last week we spent every day together."

We're arguing or discussing how much time we spent together this week. He's trying to tell me that we spent time together this week, and I'm trying to say that I didn't ask for any of it! Yesterday, I didn't want him to comfort me! I didn't ask for it. Any time we spent together this week, it was him asking for it! I'm only asking for one day? After putting so much effort into giving him alone time? This week was the least amount we've spent together since I moved in with him 3 months ago! I haven't asked him to spend any time with me since Satuday, 1 week ago. So why am I being punished for him spending time with me? Why am I being punished for crying last night, when I told him that if he needs space, if he needs a boundary in place, he can?

But I understand the irony! He's putting in a boundary with me today! Today, I am trying to push his boundary. Of course he wouldn't believe that he could have had that boundary last night, when today it is bothering me! But I MEANT IT! I just don't undersand why he didn't need a boundary last night, but today I want to spend time with him and he doesn't want it.

I think all of this makes sense in some part of my brain, but the child in me is begging for attention. It's the immature part of me that doesn't want to accept that I don't get to see my boyfriend today. The child in me is making a big fuss because boo-hoo, I've been looking forward to spending time with him today all week, and now I don't get to! What a little piece of crap I am.

Why is this so confusing? I want to spend time with him, but I want to respect his need for alone time? Am I pushing a bounadry by saying I'd really like to spend time with him today?! Is it pushing a boundary when I didn't ask him for ANYTHING THIS WEEK! It's been 7 days since I asked him to spend any time with me! Why does it count against me when he was the one wanting to hang out with me?!

And my boyfriend, who is too good for me, isn't getting angry or impatient with me. He said, "Okay, we can spend time together today, what would you like to do?" but I had to beg him out of it. And now I feel like the shittiest person in the world. I couldn't just say "Yeah, go get your alone time!" instead I had to freak out about it. I will never deserve him. I want him to break up with me! I want to get out of his life so he doesn't have to deal with my bullshit. I want to kill myself so that he can be free to move on to someone else. We're in couple's therapy. All 3 of us are aware that no matter how bad it gets, my boyfriend will never break up with me. And that fucking kills me inside, because he deserves a happy life. He's trapped in a realtionship with me and he doens't value himself enough to end it with me!

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Note: I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and complex PTSD. I'm aware my thoughts are nonsensical during a breakdown, but all mental health professionals I've seen deny that there's any other disorder going on there. They're certain I am not bipolar. Some note borderline symptoms, but that they are actually just manifestations of my complex PTSD. Shrug.

 

[LaughingGoat]

I'm not asking for you to share specific trauma or anything you're uncomfortable saying, but is there previous trauma that you have around relationships (not just romantic, but parental, etc.) or attachment? Complex PTSD can be quite severe so makes sense to me, seeing as they don't think you meet criteria for bipolar or borderline, as erratic thinking can be a symptom.

 

[TheLastYoyo]

I'm not asking for you to share specific trauma or anything you're uncomfortable saying, but is there previous trauma that you have around relationships (not just romantic, but parental, etc.) or attachment? Complex PTSD can be quite severe so makes sense to me, seeing as they don't think you meet criteria for bipolar or borderline, as erratic thinking can be a symptom.

As you can see, I have no problem sharing! Haha. My trauma was primarily emotional abuse from my mother. I was never shown affection. Never given a hug. Never told I was loved. If I wanted affection, I was shot down. Looked at like an alien. If I had a problem, some vulnerability, my mother would suggest ways in which it was my fault. If she hurt me, it was my fault. If I did well on something, it was because of an external factor, not any hard work I put in. If I was excited about something, I should contain my exictement because it probably won't be as great as I'm hoping. Because of this, I have an anxious attachment style and always fear my relationship is ruined if I make a mistake. I had a suicide attempt at 18, and my mom got angry at me, saying that she'll have to be late for work now, that she's going to get fired because of it.

 

[LaughingGoat]

As you can see, I have no problem sharing! Haha. My trauma was primarily emotional abuse from my mother. I was never shown affection. Never given a hug. Never told I was loved. If I wanted affection, I was shot down. Looked at like an alien. If I had a problem, some vulnerability, my mother would suggest ways in which it was my fault. If she hurt me, it was my fault. If I did well on something, it was because of an external factor, not any hard work I put in. If I was excited about something, I should contain my exictement because it probably won't be as great as I'm hoping. Because of this, I have an anxious attachment style and always fear my relationship is ruined if I make a mistake. I had a suicide attempt at 18, and my mom got angry at me, saying that she'll have to be late for work now, that she's going to get fired because of it.

Sorry to hear you experienced that. It's good that you have awareness of the effect the trauma had on your development and feelings around relationships, so I'm likely not telling you anything down below you don't know or haven't hear from the therapists you've worked with, but your perception of other people in relationships is expecting a negative reaction or that that they hold negative thoughts about you. Like you said you fear ruining a relationship by making a mistake and are clearly under the impression that he doesn't want to be in the relationship or can't get out. Obviously I don't know him and only have insight on the little written here, but generally people making the effort he is, being patient and supportive & attending group therapy, are committed and want to be in the relationship.

I give adults the benefit of the doubt until they prove me otherwise, that if they don't want to remain in a situation/relationship, they will express that or leave. Given your anxiety around the relationship, I imagine you have gone over every small things he's said or done to convince yourself he is unhappy, but I urge you to do your best to look at it from an objective, calm standpoint and ask if he enjoys being around you as a whole. It's normal for there to be some disagreements in relationships, but look at what you wrote in a vacuum "Last week, we spent every day together, and on Saturday we went to the amusement park and then hung out with his friends, then spent all night together. He did that for me, because I was struggling. He stayed by my side without complaint, listening to me and holding me." and ask yourself would someone who doesn't want to be in the relationship do that?

I found it telling that you worded it as being punished with him using his boundary and having space today. That would be likely a link to how you felt about the relationship with your mother. But again looking at it objectively and based on how you describe him, is his intent to punish you (shouldn't be something that happens in a healthy relationship between partners)? Like you said, he's putting in his boundary today. You said he didn't believe he could have that boundary last night, but my question is did he communicate that directly or is that an assumption that you are making?

As I said, probably not telling you anything new but there is often a lot not communicated between 2 people and it's typical for someone with anxious attachment to have cognitive distortions and fill in the blanks with negative presumptions. I could be reading things wrong and don't want to jump to any assumptions myself with minimal information, but my advice would be primarily 2 things:
1) Communicate what's going on in your head with him (e.g. explaining to him that you are trying to give him space as it's happening, opening up about your insecurities without accusations of his feelings). If starting on Sunday, you didn't directly communicate you were trying to give him space after he had bee supportive last week, he may not have any idea what your intention was to "repay the debt". Being in that position, someone could think you needed space or was being distant. Basically, relationships function best when people aren't making assumptions about what the other person is thinking and there is open communication about things on your mind rather than letting them fester and stay unresolved.
2) Continue working in individual therapy on adapting how you think around relationships into healthy thought patterns and putting what you learn into action. It's clear you have a good amount of insight around your own patterns of thinking, the challenge is always changing those maladaptive patterns through continuous work and increased awareness of them.

 

[Raindancer]

I was thinking basically the same and @laughing goat explained it perfectly. I also wanted to say you seem to have very good insight which is great. Assumptions have always gotten me into issues in relationships and I am working on that as well.