Venting "What is wrong with you?"

[Georgii]

I hate this sentence ,I hate that I don't even know the answer myself
Me and my partner been together for 8 years , a good part of those years I've endured his aggressive behaviour both physical and physical, sometimes worse then others .
This would come in episodes , ups and downs .. whenever I broke it off or when he walked away , we still ended up together ..
Just like now ,for almost a month now things been.. good ..
I know this isn't in no way a health relationship , most of the time I can't even tell if he is joking or he is being passive aggressive with me .
I always feel on thin ice waiting for him to snap .
Every little thing I do out of ordinary would mean I'm cheating , I'm fucking someone else behind his back .
He no longer says it screaming in my face ..he says it sarcastically ,like a joke he says .
For a good while now I've realised , that this relationship is the only thing keeping me away from CTB , with his controlling behavior I always mess up my plan .It's messed up but I know the moment I would be free .. alone , it would be the day I do it .
There is hatred , a lot of hatred in me to the point that I simply loath myself for being like this .
I know I was fucked up even before I meet him , I know he isn't the root of my "issues"(or whatever is going on in my mind) .
I know I'm no good .. pinpointing all of it on him .. it feels like In giving the problem a name ..as long as it isn't me ..

So when he asks me ...
I don't know , I don't fucking know what is wrong with me.
I don't know why the hell my mind keep bringing up the past, I don't know why I get irked over the dumbest things .I don't know why I can't have that ambition to do better .

Sorry for all the rambling ..I'm having trouble expressing myself in a clean manner ..its always a mess .

 

[Red]

Hugs to you - it's ok to feel like this
If your brain is trawling over stuff from the past, it's likely hurt and is trying to avoid being hurt again by seeing patterns in the present...
Your fella isn't helping!
Do you have any therapy or anything to help work through things?

 

[Georgii]

I only ever find comfort in small things , but most times I can't distract myself, it feels like I'm going mad , I hte that I can't just pause my mind
I fear going to therapy , I fear putting too much expectations and being disappointed .
Also financially I can't afford it .

 

[Red]

Bless you honey, maybe you're struggling with something that has happened to you or you may need something to balance your brain chemistry? Do you feel you might know which of these it might be, if either?
I completely understand the fear of therapy, it very much depends on the individual you end up seeing and using money cycling through several to find the right one just isn't an option for most!
It may be worth speaking to a doctor to make sure it's not a chemical issue - sometimes something as simple as a med to calm down your poor overactive brain when it gets too much can help immeasurably! x