The past 24 hours have been outstandingly wavy. First part of yesterday, litterally at the top of the world, immersed into general love, probably at an ultimate peak. Later in the evening, total despair and pain, with a dissonance between my heart and my logic / reason but uncontrollable, which is the worst. Felt so lonely. Took Tranxenes without conviction to try to shutdown these inferno sensations. Like expected, it did nothing to help (Don't know why, benzos just don't work on me). Except woke up with a dark hangover like I have the secret when I'm doing really bad, with invading torturous thoughts.
I know why I fell with a knee down. I know exactly why and I don't blame myself. Though now I have to monitor this torment before it cannibalises me.
I acknowledged a degree of emptiness in people around and it was creepy. I'm in such need of purity and strong consistant personalities.