I was suicidal since i was 4 years old. I have autism ("high functioning") and secondary hypogonadism since age 8 (i am 21 now). I was obese for most of my life. This took a toll on me physically and mentally so i have visible gray hairs at age 21. I have been abused by my family non stop even into adulthood due to my perpetual illness, trips to doctors who scoffed at me and inability to hold a job due to the escalation of physical agony from my hormonal problems to the extent that I have seemingly permanent metabolic nerve damage that I take medications for. Before that I was dragged around shrinks for being weird at school and given so many misdiagnoses and pills that could have destroyed me. I have multiple suicide attempts that failed behind me, all of them being interpreted as "the coward's way out." Other than just being weird at school i was singled out by everyone due to not being part of their age old cliques and so I switched four schools, always the new kid. I only have a computer and internet connection and thats not gonna last.
Speaking of illness, regarding my hormonal torment i only got the diagnosis a month ago and started therapy. But therapy isnt going smoothly, because as of the end of September, now that i am a fully grown man, my mother, an evil, abusive, gaslightung narcissist that made me cry myself to sleep attempting to patch cognitive dissonance up and connect two opposing views of her and convince myself my torture is in my head broke the camels back. I beat her senseless. My father sides with me and then turns around and at random moments defends her for some reason.
Everyone around me is an agent of torturous stagnation and I dont even have the ability to kill myself while in recovery due to my limited energy, hell even mobility and access to anything that wouldn't be incredibly painful. I live at a high enough height that if I jumped I wouldn't die but just become a vegetable most likely.
I bet they would mock me in hospice if I was one.
I might tell the full story but TL;DR i have no money, no real friends, no hope, no one and nothing but unironically. Its not emotions. I could get past those if the torture was not constant. And I cannot escape anywhere because my health is too shit at the moment. If I was an ass id make the joke that the only "paper I can flex" is a PTSD diagnosis and medication that doesnt work.
I will most likely end up homeless.
I dont know who I could call or what I could do. I cannot trust anyone in this kleptocracy
I have not had a single happy moment in my life.
The only one I can recall vividly is an internet relationship from years back that forever left a happy comfort for me.
sanctioned-suicide.net
