I think it's a battle between anger and hopelessness.
Angry because of all the societal systems, that when you are poor you have to work those soul crushing jobs just to survive and it's so hard to escape it. Especially for me - I really fucking tried - tried to upskill as much as I could, but it just ended in a burn-out. I am angry that I let this happen to me, angry that our societal systems don't gave me a choice. Angry that I am not neurotypical, angry that I was even born to a father who abandoned me and an emotional distant mother.
Angry at their choices.
Hopeless because I tried so many different things, tried to recover so many times. But nothing helps. Also no people left to help me. The last 2 people in my life always say that they do everything to help me get better, but it did not make a difference, meaning they don't really try hard enough or their effort is pointless, because I am a lost cause.
I feel like my issues are incurable, and I feel so exhausted when I think about having to endure everything so many more years (until the average death age). There is arguably no hope for me.
-> which leads back to anger, because everytime I try to explain to someone how much I suffer they just invalidate my feelings. Telling me that I overreact or that I am not grateful for the things that benefit me. Or they try to sell me toxic positivity, or even lies. My previous therapist was making inaccurate suggestions (about getting insurance or going to a clinic) which would have lead to great financial burdens.
And again I am hopeless, because this experience was just another piece of evidence that no matter what I try it is wrong.
So angry... So hopeless.. so angry... So hopeless... I should just leave it all behind and die.
