I fear that I will fuck up my attempt and become a vegetable.
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That stupid part of my brain that convinces me I have some kind of meaning or purpose on this horrible planet.
LMLN
Paragon
- Aug 10, 2019
- 929
My family. Fear of failure. The pain is horrendous, but I guess not bad enough to overcome what's holding me back.
OneBigBlur
Experienced
- Nov 30, 2019
- 231
The people that live with me. I have to wait until they go on vacation to CTB, even renting a hotel would be extremely strange and suspicious as well as risky.
Carina
Angelic
- Dec 22, 2019
- 4,005
In the past I would've said "because my cats would miss me", now I'm beyond that.
Honestly the only thing stopping me is that it's possible my life insurance will pay out if I can last until November (suicide clause--2 years, after it pays even if).
Honestly the only thing stopping me is that it's possible my life insurance will pay out if I can last until November (suicide clause--2 years, after it pays even if).
I want to end my life sooner rather than later, tired of fighting and putting on a happy face for everyone. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know
Nem
Drs suck mega ass!
- Sep 3, 2018
- 1,489
I'm fucked, had a couple excellent suicide plans and both got interrupted. Now, a close friend keeps telling me it would devastate them if I went, this is fucked and I need to finish myself off
Peace/hugs
Peace/hugs
Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
I understand this. I can't leave my cats. When they don't matter, it's over.
Despondent
Archangel
- Dec 20, 2019
- 6,777
"Things will get better". Plus I hate the thought of becoming a vegetable. I would be more miserable than I am now.
SlackJim
Nothing lasts, but nothing is lost
- Sep 30, 2019
- 226
I'm drinking ayahuasca soon, it feels like the final thread I'm clinging onto hoping it will help. if it doesn't I think I'll be gone quite soon.
mittensxx
Time to go
- Nov 12, 2019
- 49
I want to get all my affairs in order. Close my bank account, pay for the cremation, make sure my ashes get taken back to my home country, finish writing my goodbye letters, write down instructions for the ones who still care & lastly book a hotel.
SN has been waiting for a month and the time for peace is coming soon.
SN has been waiting for a month and the time for peace is coming soon.
Farmmaa
Specialist
- Dec 4, 2019
- 343
Several reasons I'm still here...
Waiting until after my grandson's first birthday at the end of the month. I can't be there, but I want everyone else to enjoy it.
Waiting for my package to arrive
Need to finish cleaning out my house and throwing away the crap ( and old underwear/socks )
Have to clean my car out ( I use my suv as a farm/work truck, so it's filthy )
Still have to clean out the chicken coop... sold my girls this week but don't want to leave that nasty job for others to face.
Have to clean up frozen dog shit from the dog I fostered last month.
And then... have to clean all my stuff out of the workshop and greenhouse.
So... basically, I still have a shit ton of stuff to get done first.
If I can't somehow come up with rent money by the 3rd.... I'll be leaving that day.
If I can, by somemiracle, it will be a few weeks later... mid January
Waiting until after my grandson's first birthday at the end of the month. I can't be there, but I want everyone else to enjoy it.
Waiting for my package to arrive
Need to finish cleaning out my house and throwing away the crap ( and old underwear/socks )
Have to clean my car out ( I use my suv as a farm/work truck, so it's filthy )
Still have to clean out the chicken coop... sold my girls this week but don't want to leave that nasty job for others to face.
Have to clean up frozen dog shit from the dog I fostered last month.
And then... have to clean all my stuff out of the workshop and greenhouse.
So... basically, I still have a shit ton of stuff to get done first.
If I can't somehow come up with rent money by the 3rd.... I'll be leaving that day.
If I can, by somemiracle, it will be a few weeks later... mid January
xXSarac3nSlay3rXx
“Leaving this world is not as scary as it sounds.”
- Mar 3, 2019
- 248
I'm holding out on some last ditch recovery options. Failing some miracle, I'm gonna do it eventually. It's just a matter of time . . .
Farmmaa
Specialist
- Dec 4, 2019
- 343
SlackJim
Nothing lasts, but nothing is lost
- Sep 30, 2019
- 226
yes it is safe and nontoxic, incase you misunderstood, I'm hoping the ayahuasca will make me want to live again
Farmmaa
Specialist
- Dec 4, 2019
- 343
APharmaDestroyedLife
Your RX drugs are likely your real problem
- Nov 4, 2019
- 305
That last bit of light and hope inside. They say that light is the hardest to extinguish, but once it happens , it seems so does SI.
Well that light and @Jean4
Well that light and @Jean4
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Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
Kikoo Loool
Enlightened
- Feb 25, 2019
- 1,128
I'm planning to meet my SS friend for the first time next spring.
Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
Aaahhhhh. Much better. Carry on!
Hope for the future........don't want to fuck my Mum over
UninformedLover
If you see me active on here...its gotten worse...
- Nov 12, 2019
- 265
My house is filthy. I don't want the paramedics judging me because even though I'll be dead I still care what people think of me. Plus I don't want to cause any problems for my sister in the long run like CPS being called on my family because our house is not fit for living.
Also I have an irrational fear of dying. Which is silly to me because I am actively suicidal. I just don't like not knowing things and not knowing what will happen to me scares me. What if it's scary? :(
Also I have an irrational fear of dying. Which is silly to me because I am actively suicidal. I just don't like not knowing things and not knowing what will happen to me scares me. What if it's scary? :(
Fear I guess. Because I have the means (as do we all if we have to)
Maybe my desire to live (my life, my spark, my hope) is still stronger than my wish to bring an end to the pointlessness and emptiness of my existence. Once that balance tips the other way...
Maybe my desire to live (my life, my spark, my hope) is still stronger than my wish to bring an end to the pointlessness and emptiness of my existence. Once that balance tips the other way...
My dog, as someone above stated I want to experience ayahuasca, and I've still got a little fight left in me. When that fight is gone I know it will be time.
Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
xXSarac3nSlay3rXx
“Leaving this world is not as scary as it sounds.”
- Mar 3, 2019
- 248
Like you, I want to have some sort of psychedelic experience. If that doesn't help, I'm calling it quits.
TAW122
Emissary of the right to die.
- Aug 30, 2018
- 6,819
Now is just not the right time yet. I have a few things I want to get done first before going towards it and also I want to be in as much control and as comfortable and ready as ever. Also, waiting for the perfect opening before going through, I cannot afford any errors or mistakes on this, and I got one shot at this. Just fyi, it's not that I don't know how to CTB with a firearm, it's that the time leading up to it as well as finding a suitable (secluded, quiet) place would take time and patience. I have mostly obtained my goals in 2019 and most of it seems to be rather decent, with some bumps here and there.
voyager
Don't you dare go hollow...
- Nov 25, 2019
- 965
It's odd, for me it's the complete opposite. I feel like if there's any sort of meaning or purpose left for me, it's by going through with this. Breaking the cycle, passing into another plane, maybe gaining an epiphany in the process. I just hope it doesn't involve vegetables.
Anyway, what's keeping me from doing it is my mum. What's more, it's that I've decided to fix up her house so she can sell it. It'll provide her with some options on what to do with her life. She's still independent, but worried about going frail. Really though it's a pathetic attempt at making her feel better for the time once I'm gone. I know I can't fix this. But it's either that or waiting for her to die. How sick is that?
