Discussion WHAT HOLDS YOU BACK

[plough22]

What holds you back committing suicide, the reason? Then others just do it, no matter what method. The difference? I'm not afraid to die, failing and the consequences is what I'm afraid off, the method too. I know that I must get my head brave, there'll be pain / real pain and fear but for me is PEACE from this world, stops the hope of not waking up, stops me from self harming, stop the overthinking. Stops others from being hurt from them seeing a shell, causing hurt cause of how I feel every minute hour day. A few minutes torture for PEACE

I hope we all find peace, I was happy once but it's all gone in smoke.

Give me PEACE please.

 

[Arrow]

the knowledge that there are still things i can change for the better. that even if my problems don't go away, i can still lessen them--weaken their grip on me. the friends i've lost along the way would've wanted me to keep my chin up, so if i can just do that, i can find something real to live for in the long dream.

 

[SpareWheel]

My Mother. I only have to think of her crying and it turns me into a blubbering wreck. She's not well herself now though, so it's only a matter of time. It used to be my Mam, and my Grandma, but my Grandma died last year - thankfully, she'd suffered enough with dementia, it was actually a relief when she passed peacefully after months of pain and hospital admittances.

I know it'll crucify my Mam, but I've held out over 15 years and I'm sure she will know I'm better off out of it. I wouldn't want her purely existing in life if she was desperately unhappy, and in time I think she'll come to that conclusion about me when I'm gone. Sometimes the reasons for going far outweigh the reason for sticking around. I'll be seen as selfish I'm sure, but nobody else has had to endure the past two decades, if they'd spent some time in my shoes or more specifically, my head, then maybe they'd not have lasted as long as I have.

 

[plough22]

My Mother. I only have to think of her crying and it turns me into a blubbering wreck. She's not well herself now though, so it's only a matter of time. It used to be my Mam, and my Grandma, but my Grandma died last year - thankfully, she'd suffered enough with dementia, it was actually a relief when she passed peacefully after months of pain and hospital admittances.

I know it'll crucify my Mam, but I've held out over 15 years and I'm sure she will know I'm better off out of it. I wouldn't want her purely existing in life if she was desperately unhappy, and in time I think she'll come to that conclusion about me when I'm gone. Sometimes the reasons for going far outweigh the reason for sticking around. I'll be seen as selfish I'm sure, but nobody else has had to endure the past two decades, if they'd spent some time in my shoes or more specifically, my head, then maybe they'd not have lasted as long as I have.

That is a why and a good one. Like I said, PEACE is all we are looking for. I'd like to think that my parents would be a reason but really I'm becoming a nuisance to them. I was never like this, in a relationship, toxic and she just went out of her way to destroy me. It sent me on spiral mentally, losing everything important. I'm reading this and I feel it's a moan but it's not, I just need the bravery to do it, and hopefully do it right. If you see me, you'd think that I had it good, but I don't, functioning.
I wish you PEACE and I wish some for me too and rest on this

 

[InTheAirTonight]

Fear of pain. I just want to fucking go...
But I know I probably felt worse pain before, such as when I was very sick, broke my ankle, etc

 

[NekoNomNom]

The consequences of failing are definitely high on the list. I would rather not have permanent changes to my physical self, should I fail. Or have a massive hospital bill.

I've mentioned this in a couple of other threads, but my son is what has kept me from leaving. He's still quite young, and I when I get to that point of almost no return, he comes into my thoughts, and I hesitate. I have everything taken care of everything in the event of my death: will, guardianship, funeral expenses, but my psyche holds me back from going through with it. I know that while I'm ready to move on, I'm not ready to say goodbye to him.

 

[plough22]

The consequences of failing are definitely high on the list. I would rather not have permanent changes to my physical self, should I fail. Or have a massive hospital bill.

I've mentioned this in a couple of other threads, but my son is what has kept me from leaving. He's still quite young, and I when I get to that point of almost no return, he comes into my thoughts, and I hesitate. I have everything taken care of everything in the event of my death: will, guardianship, funeral expenses, but my psyche holds me back from going through with it. I know that while I'm ready to move on, I'm not ready to say goodbye to him.

It's important to have something to hold on to, very important and keep holding.

 

[SpareWheel]

That is a why and a good one. Like I said, PEACE is all we are looking for. I'd like to think that my parents would be a reason but really I'm becoming a nuisance to them. I was never like this, in a relationship, toxic and she just went out of her way to destroy me. It sent me on spiral mentally, losing everything important. I'm reading this and I feel it's a moan but it's not, I just need the bravery to do it, and hopefully do it right. If you see me, you'd think that I had it good, but I don't, functioning.
I wish you PEACE and I wish some for me too and rest on this

Sadly, that's a tale I've seen far too often. My best mate from school ended up an alcoholic followed by veining a heroin addict over one toxic relationship, and another friend from school took his own life, same story, toxic relationship. Then in the space of 2 months, another 2 close friends split with women who both pulled the same trick on their exes, like they'd coordinated it. I myself had a massively toxic relationship in my 20s with a girl I could only describe as a she-devil, luckily for me I was young so learnt from it and moved on - none of my mates had that luxury, they all had consequences and responsibilities so it basically broke them all in different ways.

I love women, always have, and most of them are absolute diamonds - if you're unlucky enough to meet one of the bad ones though, that's often enough to annihilate you. All the best to you mate, whichever way you go.

 

[The Dark Chaos]

Its my family and friends..Theyyy lovee me so muchh like I cannot describe it..I dunno what will happen if they'd come to know about myy ctb..I don't want them to be heartbroken because of me, the thought of hurting them is like a knife in my chest but I just can't continue living also..

 

[SHThrowAway213]

I don't want to die, I just want the pain to stop.
The only unfortunate way to do that is by killing myself.
And I don't want to put my husband through losing me

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

My friend decided to save me, I live with her family and she won't let me return home. I am kinda on a suicide watch here. She's a good person but is a pro-lifer and optimistically biased.
I am torn because my suicide will inevitably heart her but my pain is unbearable. I am hopless and don't believe in recovery.
I feel trapped.

 

[Arrow]

there's a few things i have to take care of before i die and i'm very paranoid about dying before i can actually finish them. i don't want to have any unfinished business. unfinished business is one of the only tings i truly fear.

 

[Donk]

i just wanna go. i cant take this pain anymore. im just waiting for the right opportunity. i will book a hotel room and take my SN. i love my wife but i cant continue living like this.

 

[Arrow]

i just wanna go. i cant take this pain anymore. im just waiting for the right opportunity. i will book a hotel room and take my SN. i love my wife but i cant continue living like this.

:(

 

[Slow85]

I don't have the motivation...... my depression is so bad I can't even muster the strength

 

[NotCordelia]

I don't want to die, I just want the pain to stop.
The only unfortunate way to do that is by killing myself.
And I don't want to put my husband through losing me

I think I can relate. Same thing stopping me......hope you find some peace. Hope we do, rather......Hugs

 

[nerve]

I have an ancient dog who doesn't deserve to be left alone just because I can't get my shit together.

 

[plough22]

i just wanna go. i cant take this pain anymore. im just waiting for the right opportunity. i will book a hotel room and take my SN. i love my wife but i cant continue living like this.

It seems a lot of us are hurting, the thoughts are Impacting on our everyday. Waking up is the worst, the thought invade like a locust hive. It takes all my energy, people from outside see me functioning especially with the job I do. I want PEACE, I hope you get peace and all those here, there must be another way, is there

there's a few things i have to take care of before i die and i'm very paranoid about dying before i can actually finish them. i don't want to have any unfinished business. unfinished business is one of the only tings i truly fear.

Fear of not completing it correctly

 

[Halnas]

My laziness did put me off for quite some time, i had to prepare and get everything in order and write an delayed mail to authorities that is sent by a script, then my internet was down for half a day (in western europe, what a coincidence) and of course the CoVid-SARS2 nonsense did delay it too.

failing and the consequences is what I'm afraid off

this, reading about people who fail is probably the biggest turn off. Failing just isn't an option.

 

[Donk]

It seems a lot of us are hurting, the thoughts are Impacting on our everyday. Waking up is the worst, the thought invade like a locust hive. It takes all my energy, people from outside see me functioning especially with the job I do. I want PEACE, I hope you get peace and all those here, there must be another way, is there

Fear of not completing it correctly

@plough22 for a long time i pretended to be normal. i was high functioning. from outside looking in people thought i was happy and carefree. i had a decent job, a wife and friends. but inside i was the total opposite. i felt alone, lived in constant fear and had nothing to looking forward to. i got tire of pretending to be someone im not. now im just on borrow time until i meet my fate. i hope you find peace as well. cheers

 

[plough22]

@plough22 for a long time i pretended to be normal. i was high functioning. from outside looking in people thought i was happy and carefree. i had a decent job, a wife and friends. but inside i was the total opposite. i felt alone, lived in constant fear and had nothing to looking forward to. i got tire of pretending to be someone im not. now im just on borrow time until i meet my fate. i hope you find peace as well. cheers

I too am high functioning, my job entails helping others. Funny that I can barely look after myself, others are propping me. All this came on me one time and the darkness has been with me since, the hole is too deep. You too re: PEACE. Fear of not failing. I can't

 

[Shero]

Lack of knowledge about the correct execution of methods, fear of unnecessary suffering during the execution, and general limitation by low financial means.

 

[Donk]

I too am high functioning, my job entails helping others. Funny that I can barely look after myself, others are propping me. All this came on me one time and the darkness has been with me since, the hole is too deep. You too re: PEACE. Fear of not failing. I can't

can you take sometime off work to recover?

 

[Bluesummers]

A) pain for my parents (my friends too, but they would be able to cope)
B) survival istinct

 

[plough22]

can you take sometime off work to recover?

I work in a job, everything is seem as weakness. Four others in past ten years committed suicide. I'm believe I am going that way too. Someone has destroyed me quite literally, life has unravelled

 

[¡!¡!¡!]

Whenever i think how much this would hurt my parents.... I do not want to cause them the same pain i am feeling and living in. I also dont want to be remembered as someone who ctb. Its not even about me because it doesnt really matter right? Its about other people who would have to endure the stigma and pressure etc.

 

[Meowkin]

My cat. I don't want to give her away, find I've failed in my attempt then have to live without her.

 

[Bct]

I need to be in correct mood to CTB, or perhaps it's just the other way to say gathering courage or something similar.
Beside that, my friend is also put her motorbike on my place, I need to wait her to come back again after the lock down, so it's at least around 2 months till I can properly CTB.

 

[Erase.myself]

Thinking of my mom and what pain this would bring to her world is what held me back from drinking the SN on Monday evening (even though it was well planned out). My mom is actually coming into town today. And one thing I wanted to do before I catch the bus is to give her one last hug . I think after I do that....I will be more comfortable with my decision and feel more ready. Still have my SN, Meto and supplies but now I'm FUCKED on a safe place to not get caught and "saved"...my apologies for the intense anger; still ruminating over my failed "attempt" two days ago.

 

[plough22]

Thinking of my mom and what pain this would bring to her world is what held me back from drinking the SN on Monday evening (even though it was well planned out). My mom is actually coming into town today. And one thing I wanted to do before I catch the bus is to give her one last hug . I think after I do that....I will be more comfortable with my decision and feel more ready. Still have my SN, Meto and supplies but now I'm FUCKED on a safe place to not get caught and "saved"...my apologies for the intense anger; still ruminating over my failed "attempt" two days ago.

I believe our parents is the main reason for holding, I know for me. There is one thing that will send me over, where I'll have no choice.