What Great Plans Did You Have For Life Before Deciding to CTB?

[moonsafari]

[F/18] I'm finally 18 and just "finished" high school since schools are closed due to coronavirus - guess the seniors are going to be missing out on an official graduation. I can't believe I made it all this way. Eighteen years, and then I decide to give up my life. I had grandiose plans ahead of me, I was going to go through college, get a master's degree in computer software, and pursue my lifelong dream of starting a Fortune 500 company.

All to become a billionaire and live lavishly. I was going to audition for my prospective college's jazz band to fulfill my extreme love for music and jazz, and I feel quite bad that I'm not going to live to be able to do all of that. I know that there's going to be so many people that will miss me when I'm gone; it's not like I'm going to leave unnoticed. But I'm suffering, yet I feel like I'm going to be missing out on so many firsts. My first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first company and all those successes and triumphs in my career. At least I'm not going to die in vain.

 

[Lady black]

Why do you want to die then? It seems you will start a good life if you are a bit patient and graduate after corona.

 

[Vault of Memories]

I'm confused too. What happened? It seems like you have a love for music and you're still young.

 

[moonsafari]

Yeah, I'm still young. I've still been suffering from severe anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. The therapists don't help for me and I can't find the strength to pull myself out of this mental state. There's a number of issues with the relationships I've had with people, most of them being traumatic. I feel like my younger brother will succeed over me in everything, and I'm putting all my hope in him to continue for me now. I've screwed up everything beyond the point of return and everyone just thinks I'm this triple-sided, erratic person(are my friends even real?). I hate life and I hate having to see everyone every day. I wish I could get an aggressive wake-up call from a close friend or something, but otherwise there's not really anything that's gonna change my mind.

Plus, I spend all my days listening to music and playing my piano and saxophone. It's always been on my mind that if there's one last thing I want to do before ctbing that makes me happy, it would making music.

 

[Lady black]

Now I understand. I hope you will find peace.

 

[tothemoon]

Are you taking antidepressants? Or really any antidepressant or antianxiety drugs? Most of us on here realize how toxic those are. If possible, you could try going off those and see how you feel? Its tricky because the withdraws will totally jack you up and everyone will say "Oh see, that's just evidence you have to take them!" Pretty disgusting logic really. But you did just finish high school. Want to give it a year see how you feel? The 3 or 4 post high school years were probably the best of my life. Plus you do acknowledge there will be a quite a few people who will realize your absence. That's not for nothing!

 

[Mistake of Nature]

My plans were simple (I was unfortunately never as ambitious or passionate about anything as you have been). All I wanted was to get a job that paid me enough to survive and enjoy myself a bit, move to a new city, make new friends, maybe have a relationship, etc. I would have liked to do research, maybe work in academia. My dream job for a while was a library liaison where I could help people learn.

 

[Brink]

I wish I could get an aggressive wake-up call from a close friend or something, but otherwise there's not really anything that's gonna change my mind.

Stick around for a while and you will. It may not be in the form of a passionate conversation from a concerned friend, but something may happen that shocks your core and changes your mind. Imo from you've said you've got a lot to live for and haven't exhausted life's help.

 

[tothemoon]

Stick around for a while and you will. It may not be in the form of a passionate conversation from a concerned friend, but something may happen that shocks your core and changes your mind. Imo from you've said you've got a lot to live for and haven't exhausted life's help.

I second this. Unless youre going to lose the ability (advanced ALS, going to prison or getting stuck in a psych ward (my worry) theres always another time. Best advice a therapist ever gave me, "You can always kill yourself next week".

 

[faust]

Everything is very easy: I wanted to travel around the world and make it the way of living, I wanted to write books, music.
Sometimes I wanted to be financially independent and travel never caring about money anymore.
Sometimes I just wanted to live. Not exist. And I failed so many times...
With the amount of any possible perspectives, I lost all of them due to me and my mental illness.
I have never had huge losses in my life, I believe my life is merely a one big loss itself.

 

[ctb oil for dogs]

I don't know. I can barely remember being 18. What I do remember was that everything I thought I wanted at that age, and everything I thought would constitute a "good life", was a lie.

Middle school and high school were not great. Not nightmarish, but not especially great. I was beginning to struggle with severe depression, but my parents thought I was being a moody teenager.

I thought college was going to be this great, life-altering experience. It was a four year breakdown. If I could have told 17 year old me not to bother with college, I would. It's not like it helped my job prospects.

I spent my 20s in the closet, but before then I thought I'd have a great relationship with some guy. I didn't, but it doesn't matter. Then I thought I would be happy if I could travel and meet new people. The last time I went abroad I almost jumped from the leaning tower of Pisa. I stopped when I saw that someone was pushing their baby in a stroller on the cobblestone below me.

Milestones in my life have just existed to distract me a little longer from how painful everything is. It was a carrot and stick approach, but there are no more carrots left so I am beating myself to death with the stick.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Hi. I can relate. I also play music (bass and violin). I play in 2 bands. I have many friends. All people love me. I have a job. I have money (I'm not rich but dont have financial issues). I go to university (I'm studying informatics engineering). Yet I want to kill myself. Therapists don't help me. The only one that can save me is myself but I gave up many months ago. Now I'm just waiting for the right time. This covid-19 shit fucked up my plan. I'm killing myself because I don't like life anymore and I think it's not bad to give up on something you aren't interesting in. I feel like it's pointless to keep on living. There are lots of people that are dying and want to live but my life is mine. And I want to die.

 

[NotGonnaLast]

I always wanted a family of my own. It never mattered if my kids were mine biologically or not but I always wanted to be a parent. I'd have a job that I enjoyed (wanted to be a doctor) and paid at least enough to support us. I had a partner who I could trust and my kids would grow up with cousins that we would all see regularly and spend time together as a family.

I always imagined I'd be happy.

 

[s1mplem3]

I understand you. Never wanted to be rich, my plans was about to have family and friends. I don't a lot, just to have own house, car and a job I could enjoy, but those are just things and they won't replace people in my life. Same as you I will never have first kiss, girlfriend and many other things.

 

[Chronicillness]

Everything came crashing down way too prematurely in life to envision any plans.

 

[ItHurts]

Yes - had lots of plans. Succeed in my career, propose my girlfriend, get married, buy a house, raise a small family, travel the world and retire.

Had already started on the journey, graduated from college a couple of years ago, got a decent job, an amazing girlfriend. But got a severe disabling condition at the start of last year. I thought despite the challenges, I'd learn to grow with it. But it has gotten really worse now, gradually, to the point of not being able to leave my house due to severe severe pain.

Lost my job, almost losing my relationship with no hope for the future now. It's mind blowing, how a single 1 hour event can turn your life upside down.

 

[shevawc]

To marry my girlfriend and travel around the whole world on a motorcycle.

And more generally not to be alone in this world.

 

[Finis Autem Spero]

I wanted to save the world lmao

 

[Kokichi]

I never had any grand plans, honestly. I told myself that I'd ctb when I turned 18 from the time I was in middle school. Now I'm 19 and totally directionless. I mean I guess I wanted to be a veterinarian at one point and a mortician at another but neither of those seem feasible at all anymore.

 

[coreofanapple]

My plans changed pretty frequently, yet centered on the same thing, but after dropping out of college I've degraded. I wanted to travel, or at least move out of state, and I haven't even left the house yet. Any hope of reaching a goal has been flushed down the drain, and I just can't function anymore.

 

[Rockman]

Buy a chopper.
Low cost traveling.
Spend rest of time with 'love of my life'
Make a rock band with great people
Taste good drugs
Help other people
Be a vet.

 

[SuicidalBitchesxo]

i want to dye my hair a vibrant colour, spend some time with friends, spend time with my family before I leave.

 

[darkhorse256]

I had dreams too...

I thought I would get over my sexual assault (not going to use the other triggering word for it) and that my abuser wouldn't affect me anymore. He does, but everyone says it's because I'm stressed from school and nobody takes it seriously except my bf.

I thought I'd get my memory back after 6 months since the sexual assault. I can't because there's too much trauma and my brain doesn't work properly.

I thought I'd graduate with an A average from uni and get a good job. I can't even do the reading required for one module now without crying from stress.

I thought I'd be able to do an exchange programme in the UK and live the rest of my life there instead of this crappy country I live in. I can't even go on exchange or travel because of the lockdown.

I thought I'd be able to hold on long enough for my bf and I to get married and have children. He's the only one in my life who loves me unconditionally and I thought I'd hold on for long enough for us to move out together.

 

[disabledandhopeless]

I wanted to complete my degree and be a vet... own a dog... travel around the world.. do some music... learn new skills and experience new things along the way

Then my world came crashing down

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

How do you have birthdays in both March and June?

No, I turned 18 in March so I'm legally an adult now.

Smack in the middle of June Gemini... though I really, really despise my impulsive and sometimes overly-excited traits. I wish I were a Capricorn, or a Scorpio. Maybe life would have been easier if I had a calm temperament.

 

[porfin1234]

Finish my masters, save up to travel and see the world more and possibly teach English abroad for some time, get more involved in my art and hobbies, get more into performing dance / singing, meet someone with the same interests and on the same page as me that I could explore life and the world with and finally learn how to be in a healthy relationship beneficial to both. Learn how to be secure enough and independent enough to not have so many issues with jealousy and being so easily triggered. Learn how to communicate better with others.
Also explore spirituality more and be mentally / emotionally stable enough to have some experiences with psychedelics to expand my mind. Save enough to buy a small home and not have to rent. Finally be debt free. Attend a ton of dance conferences and festivals. Do more fire spinning.Just to name a few things haha.

 

[Mr2005]

[F/18] I'm finally 18 and just "finished" high school since schools are closed due to coronavirus - guess the seniors are going to be missing out on an official graduation. I can't believe I made it all this way. Eighteen years, and then I decide to give up my life. I had grandiose plans ahead of me, I was going to go through college, get a master's degree in computer software, and pursue my lifelong dream of starting a Fortune 500 company.

All to become a billionaire and live lavishly. I was going to audition for my prospective college's jazz band to fulfill my extreme love for music and jazz, and I feel quite bad that I'm not going to live to be able to do all of that. I know that there's going to be so many people that will miss me when I'm gone; it's not like I'm going to leave unnoticed. But I'm suffering, yet I feel like I'm going to be missing out on so many firsts. My first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first company and all those successes and triumphs in my career. At least I'm not going to die in vain.

Oh just the typical shallow narcissistic one that's all the rage these days except I didn't do anything to achieve it just expected it to be handed to me on a plate. Missed the boat now and the worlds caught up to where I was. Has the easy convenience of technology so that I wouldn't have had to rely on anyone. I don't know if it's all karma because the world doesn't revolve around me or anyone else contrary to what they might think but it is extremely unlucky. Had plenty of opportunities though, it just never fell into place

 

[OhItsZemblanity]

I wanted to...become a lot of things. First was a tattoo artist. Was working hard on my art but I've always had an issue with becoming incredibly discouraged if I saw anyone better than me. Held me back awhile, but I kept working on it. Got accepted to an art institute but I had to decline due to my father becoming incredibly ill and needed my help. Unfortunately after that...I stopped doing art. Figured, fuck it. Lost my chance.

Then, after I moved, I decided I wanted to be a voice actor. I like my voice. I like what I can do with my voice. Started working on it. Recorded some readings. Ended up chatting with a friend who had been in a few commercials and done voice overs. Looked me dead in the eyes and said "I really don't think you've got what it takes". Not "hey man, you need to work on it" or "kinda Rocky, but you can get better". Just "I really don't think you've got what it takes". I stopped thinking about doing it then and there. Drank heavily the rest of the night. Ended up waking up on the train at about 10am.

Then it was hotsauce. Wanted to make and sell it...well. nothing but myself stopping me there. Just don't have any energy or care to do much of anything with my life now. Ran full stop into a wall.

 

[Squiddy]

I wanted to get my degree in computer science, make a video game and an app and have a nice house, car and husband, but I feel like I can't have those things because I'm incompetent, have a hard time articulating myself verbally and have mental illness

 

[Pallf]

My dreams changed frequently, but they always revolved around family, schooling, and career. I fear now that none of those I'll ever achieve