What finally did you in?

[whatmattersmost]

It would help if I could change my name at least, nope can't leave the country.

Move to an entirely different Country?
Could you move states,maybe?
I don't know

 

[whatmattersmost]

I wish I could talk about it but I never will and I don't want to.

Taking it to the Grave.
I can admire that.

 

[Final Escape]

Move to an entirely different Country?
Could you move states,maybe?
I don't know

I did move states and that helps but I'm still struggling with I'm not sure anymore. Motivation, borderline personality disorder for sure, I feel like I can't get any traction. There's more going on than just the arrest. I'm struggling to make changes, I can't organize myself or my time. Im distracted and feel brain damaged. Maybe it's this fone lol! These fones probably fry our brains and we don't even know it. All I can say is I've got some serious blocks going on that are preventing me from progressing towards any goals. I don't even know who Iam or wat I want. But even if I write out wat I want or who Iam it won't be lasting bc I have an unstable self.

 

[midastic]

I would much rather not discuss this on the thread. But if you want to know, feel free to PM me.

 

[whatmattersmost]

I did move states and that helps but I'm still struggling with I'm not sure anymore. Motivation, borderline personality disorder for sure, I feel like I can't get any traction. There's more going on than just the arrest. I'm struggling to make changes, I can't organize myself or my time. Im distracted and feel brain damaged. Maybe it's this fone lol! These fones probably fry our brains and we don't even know it. All I can say is I've got some serious blocks going on that are preventing me from progressing towards any goals. I don't even know who Iam or wat I want. But even if I write out wat I want or who Iam it won't be lasting bc I have an unstable self.

We weren't meant to have are Eye's staring at phones,tvs,computers all day long that's for sure.
I stay on my phone to drown out the noise in My head.
I lose Interest quickly though.
If You still have Goals You want to accomplish you still can just takes time.
I'm past that, I have No more Goals, I accomplished what I wanted to & ruined it so I'm ready to sleep forever

 

[bigj75]

We weren't meant to have are Eye's staring at phones,tvs,computers all day long that's for sure.
I stay on my phone to drown out the noise in My head.
I lose Interest quickly though.
If You still have Goals You want to accomplish you still can just takes time.
I'm past that, I have No more Goals, I accomplished what I wanted to & ruined it so I'm ready to sleep forever

Yes same

 

[whatmattersmost]

Same here.

Looks like we had similar situations that brought us to the same place thinking alike
If I didn't have Trust Issues I would Say we should Jim Jonestown each other

 

[Caustic Cardinals]

Wtf :(

true story I'll tell you some time

 

[Final Escape]

We weren't meant to have are Eye's staring at phones,tvs,computers all day long that's for sure.
I stay on my phone to drown out the noise in My head.
I lose Interest quickly though.
If You still have Goals You want to accomplish you still can just takes time.
I'm past that, I have No more Goals, I accomplished what I wanted to & ruined it so I'm ready to sleep forever

How did u ruin it? Are u sure that you aren't thinking too much in black and white? Where u might be being too hard on yourself and u don't have enough insight into what really ruined things?

 

[Caustic Cardinals]

Jeez what an evil man. I hope u are away from him

haven't been in my life for many years now

 

[Caustic Cardinals]

Wtf!

yeah my childhood

 

[Caustic Cardinals]

oh god thats fucking horrible.

.........thats what all of my therapists have said.

 

[windingdown]

I had a very good life. Then I developed psychosis and had a series of psychotic breaks. I've had 6 psychiatric hospitalizations in the past year and a half. I am currently stable, apart from suicidal depression. My current (I think accurate) diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder, though I've been diagnosed bipolar and schizophrenic also. Schizoaffective is like a combination of the two.

My life doesn't have to be over. I'm sure that with ongoing treatment (medication and psychotherapy) I can stabilize. But this experience has absolutely pulled the rug out from under me. I feel permanently wounded. I can never regain the self that I lost. She believed in beauty and a grand future. Like others here say, I have no fight left in me. There's this whole universe of disability and poverty, of meaninglessness and empty days, that's come into view for me. I scarcely knew it existed before. I used to really enjoy life, but this? I can't live like this. Nothing feels enjoyable or worthwhile, and life stretches ahead of me like an empty wasteland.

 

[bigj75]

Looks like we had similar situations that brought us to the same place thinking alike
If I didn't have Trust Issues I would Say we should Jim Jonestown each other

lol I understand. It's too dangerous out here. Trust issues are understandable.

 

[whatmattersmost]

How did u ruin it? Are u sure that you aren't thinking too much in black and white? Where u might be being too hard on yourself and u don't have enough insight into what really ruined things?

I ruined it.
I always self Sabotage & I've recently come to terms with that, because I have been this way all my life-Mental Health issues.
Now that I know this & have accepted it.
Suicide seems like a better option then rebuilding something just to throw it all away, I have maybe 2-3 ideas to bounce back & maybe they could work, the only thing I know for sure is that the Mental issues will still be here.

 

[whatmattersmost]

lol I understand. It's too dangerous out here. Trust issues are understandable.

I wouldn't want to back out just to let one more person down.
You going soon?
Or mind isn't made up completely?

 

[bigj75]

I wouldn't want to back out just to let one more person down.
You going soon?
Or mind isn't made up completely?

oh it's made up. Just gotta plan it out correctly.

 

[whatmattersmost]

I had a very good life. Then I developed psychosis and had a series of psychotic breaks. I've had 6 psychiatric hospitalizations in the past year and a half. I am currently stable, apart from suicidal depression. My current (I think accurate) diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder, though I've been diagnosed bipolar and schizophrenic also. Schizoaffective is like a combination of the two.

My life doesn't have to be over. I'm sure that with ongoing treatment (medication and psychotherapy) I can stabilize. But this experience has absolutely pulled the rug out from under me. I feel permanently wounded. I can never regain the self that I lost. She believed in beauty and a grand future. Like others here say, I have no fight left in me. There's this whole universe of disability and poverty, of meaninglessness and empty days, that's come into view for me. I scarcely knew it existed before. I used to really enjoy life, but this? I can't live like this. Nothing feels enjoyable or worthwhile, and life stretches ahead of me like an empty wasteland.

I had a Manic episode roughly 10-11months back were I thought I had finally gone crazy, but kinda felt Good at the same time mixed emotions it lasted for almost a whole 2Months-During this time I gave away all My LED TV's & slot of other stuff of more Value that I hustled Hard to get.
I have always had bad Depression/Anxiety but whatever that episode I do Not know, I have completely Isolated Myself except for ONE friend number in my phone & now talking to strangers on this Msg board.
Can you remember what your psychosis episode was like by any chance? If that's similar to a Manic episode, I need to read up on it

 

[whatmattersmost]

oh it's made up. Just gotta plan it out correctly.

If I still had My guns I would already be gone
Have thought any about Hanging?

 

[bigj75]

If I still had My guns I would already be gone
Have thought any about Hanging?

Yes. I saw that video on partial suspension and it looked so easy.

 

[Final Escape]

I ruined it.
I always self Sabotage & I've recently come to terms with that, because I have been this way all my life-Mental Health issues.
Now that I know this & have accepted it.
Suicide seems like a better option then rebuilding something just to throw it all away, I have maybe 2-3 ideas to bounce back & maybe they could work, the only thing I know for sure is that the Mental issues will still be here.

U should watch the vids on YouTube about self sabotage by spartan life coach. They might at least give u some insight. He goes deep into trauma related stuff and how to fix it. I know u have given up but I couldn't help but try to give u some info. It probably won't help but it might give u more insight into wat's behind it.

 

[whatmattersmost]

Yes. I saw that video on partial suspension and it looked so easy.

The auto asphyxiation How To video?
The blonde hair girl in that video made that look easy & almost Painless
when He showed the video of the Syrian girl do it & she was twitching she went rather quick but seeing her arms curl up and twitch changed my mind from going through with it last night to be honest I had my slipknot ready, I don't want to be awake & flopping like a Fish though

 

[windingdown]

I had a Manic episode roughly 10-11months back were I thought I had finally gone crazy, but kinda felt Good at the same time mixed emotions it lasted for almost a whole 2Months-During this time I gave away all My LED TV's & slot of other stuff of more Value that I hustled Hard to get.
I have always had bad Depression/Anxiety but whatever that episode I do Not know, I have completely Isolated Myself except for ONE friend number in my phone & now talking to strangers on this Msg board.
Can you remember what your psychosis episode was like by any chance? If that's similar to a Manic episode, I need to read up on it

Oh man, I'm so sorry to hear that you gave away your valuable possessions! That sounds like bipolar mania to me. The silliest money thing I did was put a random $1000 flight on a credit card, and fly to SFO and back for no reason.

My psychoses have been varied. I've had bad visceral hallucinations / hearing voices / visual hallucinations. The voices would tell me fantastical things, and I would believe them, and sometimes contact people and say crazy things. When I was still living a normal person's life, I made some poor financial decisions and got into debt. I threw a bunch of my belongings out of my third story window (voices, again). I became very paranoid and thought that everyone wanted to rape and kill me, so I would sometimes lash out at people, especially at the psych hospital. I've had some really horrific nightmares, and with the hallucinations, reality has often been like a waking nightmare. It's crazy what the brain is capable of.

There are some very good treatments (anti-psychotic medications) for psychosis, which have saved me more than once. If it might help, definitely see a psychiatrist for a prescription. If you're ever in the middle of a psychotic episode and need some protection from yourself (i.e. you're making poor choices), you can check yourself into a psych ward - I've done that twice. It's a safe space, and they'll give you appropriate treatment. It's what they're there for. I don't think they deserve their bad rap!

 

[bigj75]

The auto asphyxiation How To video?
The blonde hair girl in that video made that look easy & almost Painless
when He showed the video of the Syrian girl do it & she was twitching she went rather quick but seeing her arms curl up and twitch changed my mind from going through with it last night to be honest I had my slipknot ready, I don't want to be awake & flopping like a Fish though

Im at the point to where i don't care. I haven't seen the Syrian girl video yet.

 

[whatmattersmost]

U should watch the vids on YouTube about self sabotage by spartan life coach. They might at least give u some insight. He goes deep into trauma related stuff and how to fix it. I know u have given up but I couldn't help but try to give u some info. It probably won't help but it might give u more insight into wat's behind it.

I appreciate that.
I'm be Honest with You, I don't plan on watching any self help type guru video's,
I agree with You they do say some insightful things in the past I watched videos like that & they will Inspire you, that's what they are meant to do,
I'm Not Heartless, I have just stopped Caring I guess.
If You still have Goals, Don't give Up.
Change doesn't Happen over Night.
You will accomplish them.
They are in your reach.
GoodLuck.

 

[whatmattersmost]

Im at the point to where i don't care. I haven't seen the Syrian girl video yet.

Sorry, I most be talking about a Different Video.
Do you have the link to the video you mentioned?

 

[bigj75]

Sorry, I most be talking about a Different Video.
Do you have the link to the video you mentioned?

 

[whatmattersmost]

Oh man, I'm so sorry to hear that you gave away your valuable possessions! That sounds like bipolar mania to me. The silliest money thing I did was put a random $1000 flight on a credit card, and fly to SFO and back for no reason.

My psychoses have been varied. I've had bad visceral hallucinations / hearing voices / visual hallucinations. The voices would tell me fantastical things, and I would believe them, and sometimes contact people and say crazy things. When I was still living a normal person's life, I made some poor financial decisions and got into debt. I threw a bunch of my belongings out of my third story window (voices, again). I became very paranoid and thought that everyone wanted to rape and kill me, so I would sometimes lash out at people, especially at the psych hospital. I've had some really horrific nightmares, and with the hallucinations, reality has often been like a waking nightmare. It's crazy what the brain is capable of.

There are some very good treatments (anti-psychotic medications) for psychosis, which have saved me more than once. If it might help, definitely see a psychiatrist for a prescription. If you're ever in the middle of a psychotic episode and need some protection from yourself (i.e. you're making poor choices), you can check yourself into a psych ward - I've done that twice. It's a safe space, and they'll give you appropriate treatment. It's what they're there for. I don't think they deserve their bad rap!

Is Hearing Voices your Conscious?
Or actual voices?
The Mental health places where I live are over crowded, the last time I was put in one was almost 8Years ago

 

[whatmattersmost]

I had a very good life. Then I developed psychosis and had a series of psychotic breaks. I've had 6 psychiatric hospitalizations in the past year and a half. I am currently stable, apart from suicidal depression. My current (I think accurate) diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder, though I've been diagnosed bipolar and schizophrenic also. Schizoaffective is like a combination of the two.

My life doesn't have to be over. I'm sure that with ongoing treatment (medication and psychotherapy) I can stabilize. But this experience has absolutely pulled the rug out from under me. I feel permanently wounded. I can never regain the self that I lost. She believed in beauty and a grand future. Like others here say, I have no fight left in me. There's this whole universe of disability and poverty, of meaninglessness and empty days, that's come into view for me. I scarcely knew it existed before. I used to really enjoy life, but this? I can't live like this. Nothing feels enjoyable or worthwhile, and life stretches ahead of me like an empty wasteland.

Are you Baker acted?
How did you end up there 6times?
Part of me wants to get in one,
Putting my feelings on here is one thing
Saying how I Really Feel to somebody in Person has always been to Hard for Me to do, Maybe that's why I Never have got the exact Help I need for My Mental illness that has always taken over My ruining everything Good in my Life

 

[Rebirth]

wtf are you serious? Did you get compensation?

No, in my province, it isn't illegal like it is in the rest of the country. All lawyers I consulted with either had a conflict of interest because they had used him as a legal resource (as he was supposed to be a local top dr) or passed because what I could actually sue him for would not be worth the potential reward. I have passed the three year deadline to sue him. The only thing left to do is report him to the order of dentists (as it was jaw surgery) for not reversing the cosmetic part of the surgery like I asked. That's not even including how my facial muscle now droops, contracts etc and how my face looks fucked up in several ways it didn't before. First surgery, he corrected my small open bite by moving my lower jaw a little bit but did a much more dramatic chin bone advancement than what I consented to and left a huge space between my jaw and chin bones. I looked like a freak. He did emergency surgery a month later to "correct" the giant space. This left me with a drooping chin muscle, my lower lip small and crooked in addition to other things and still looking fucked up overall, unnatural, gaunt and manly. I consulted with other doctors to reverse the chin bone advancement and to fix the muscle. Only the original surgeon said he was comfortable doing both these things as he had "fixed" the muscle issue before. He had suggested shaving the advanced bone down and I said no. After many heartfelt conversations where my mom told him how depressed, anxious and dysfunctional I now was, he promised me multiple times he would reverse it, including minutes before surgery. He does not admit it, but he did not reverse it. As if I'm some retard who doesn't know what my own face feels and looks like. The way he tried to fix my chin muscle was by fucking tying it to my braces, on which another surgeon commented by asking if he was even an oral surgeon. The non-reversal has been confirmed by other oral maxillofacial surgeons in case you're wondering.

Looking in the mirror, feeling my face and even just being awake are all triggers. The skin in my jaw constantly feels like it gets caught in the giant hole in my jawline. I never mention this to anyone, but I still have pins and needles plus inflammation in the area in my face. I also was never informed of all these potential risks that happened to me. I spent a long time crying and having panic attacks 24/7. I work but it's from home and when I do go into the office, I get triggered. I can't live my life. It is now impossible to reverse the bone position because of what he did. The legal term is medical battery, where the doctor violates your consent in surgery. I'm not even focusing on the uninformed consent aspect because a lawyer with a conflict of interest had told me that doctors are not obligated to say every possible risk.

Yes, I had a weak chin before all this but I was still cute. I've been dead inside since 24. I'm 28. Other damaging things have been present in my life and have had a cumulative effect, but nothing as unfixable and traumatizing as this. This man willfully ruined me and broke my soul. I may have even been sexually assaulted before (and will never know because I blacked out and cannot remember if I gave consent, only know it was very unlikely) but the level of violation and trauma from this is a million times worse. People around here get criminally charged for doodling on people's faces on election campaign signs but the psycho who did this to me walks away scot-free.

I began having severe insomnia starting months before the surgery because I was nervous about it, and this has lasted years. All I can think about is how I wish I had trusted my gut.