
KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,797
Do you feel like even if you weren't suicidal, existing would be an extesential slog?
I don't think I am depressed. Anti-depressants- in addition to many other different classes of medications, even potent stimulants- have no positive effect on me. Nor does therapy. Drinking alcohol or smoking cigarettes doesn't even bring me a modicum or joy either.
I think it is because I know there is too much injustice in the world, I have problems that cannot be solved like chronic pain, illnesses, and trauma, everyday I see people denying the pain others experience and invalidating it, while spouting platitudes like- beneath the surface, life is a beautiful treasure to be cherished.
Perhaps studying biology at university has made me cynical, but I see no point in being a slave to DNA. I find birth, life, and death, all to be tragic. A consequence of entropy and thermodynamics. Would we be better off not knowing what we do about the universe? I don't have the answers. Distractions, ignorance, or coping seem to be necessary for survival, unfortunately.
People tell you to find meaning, and I have observed things in life that I found poigant and meaningful. Those things don't make me want to continue existence though. I am only 21, yet I feel like I have experienced all that I want to experience, anything that I aspired to accomplish has been robbed from me by physical illness anyhow. I wanted to adopt children, but i will never be approved because of all my physical health problems. Having biological children would be unethical. I refuse to do it, I will not subject another human being to suffer the drudgery of these illnesses.
It's funny when you start to realize how little free will and choice we truly have in our lives. I love science, but if I had a choice I would not be studying the discipline at university right now. I would rather be a translator and continue learning languages. Everyday I am struggling at university because my chronic fatigue syndrome has made it pretty much impossible to excel in a rigorous STEM program. My memory and focus are no longer sharp due to my physical ailments. People just tell me not to give up and keep pushing, as if that helps anything.
No one gets a choice when it comes to wageslavery, either. You are forced to do menial tasks for money, rather than meaningful labor. Even though I can barely stay awake for a few hours, I will be expected to work in the future, despite how much my health has deteriorated. I have to pray every day that I can try to learn programming and get a work from home job if I am too cowardly to ctb, but I probably will never get hired anyway due to my disabilities.
That is another kicker about life. People tell you how strong you are for simply existing as a disabled person, then get angry when you state the reality that being disabled puts you at a disadvantage. They don't want to enact meaningful changes and reforms that would help disabled people have a better quality of life, they just want to use you as a conversation topic of, well at least my life isn't as bad as that person's!
Autistic people have consistently been treated with as much respect as a bin of rubbish, and no one cares unless you are like Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory, possessing some profitable savant talent. The hurt and disenfranchised linger in the background. We are not rain men or nuclear phycists. We are simply forgotten, or blamed for failing to conform to rigid social standards of behavior that we were never taught.
Knowing all this, what even is the point of continuing? I would have anhedonia and ennui regardless of my suicidal ideation. The world will keep on turning with or without me. All the wars, famines, diseases, betrayals, ponzi schemes, etc in all their glory will keep on going. People will say all that suffering is worth it for a pretty sunset or a nice cup of coffee. You jest, surely? We will agree to disagree.
I don't think I am depressed. Anti-depressants- in addition to many other different classes of medications, even potent stimulants- have no positive effect on me. Nor does therapy. Drinking alcohol or smoking cigarettes doesn't even bring me a modicum or joy either.
I think it is because I know there is too much injustice in the world, I have problems that cannot be solved like chronic pain, illnesses, and trauma, everyday I see people denying the pain others experience and invalidating it, while spouting platitudes like- beneath the surface, life is a beautiful treasure to be cherished.
Perhaps studying biology at university has made me cynical, but I see no point in being a slave to DNA. I find birth, life, and death, all to be tragic. A consequence of entropy and thermodynamics. Would we be better off not knowing what we do about the universe? I don't have the answers. Distractions, ignorance, or coping seem to be necessary for survival, unfortunately.
People tell you to find meaning, and I have observed things in life that I found poigant and meaningful. Those things don't make me want to continue existence though. I am only 21, yet I feel like I have experienced all that I want to experience, anything that I aspired to accomplish has been robbed from me by physical illness anyhow. I wanted to adopt children, but i will never be approved because of all my physical health problems. Having biological children would be unethical. I refuse to do it, I will not subject another human being to suffer the drudgery of these illnesses.
It's funny when you start to realize how little free will and choice we truly have in our lives. I love science, but if I had a choice I would not be studying the discipline at university right now. I would rather be a translator and continue learning languages. Everyday I am struggling at university because my chronic fatigue syndrome has made it pretty much impossible to excel in a rigorous STEM program. My memory and focus are no longer sharp due to my physical ailments. People just tell me not to give up and keep pushing, as if that helps anything.
No one gets a choice when it comes to wageslavery, either. You are forced to do menial tasks for money, rather than meaningful labor. Even though I can barely stay awake for a few hours, I will be expected to work in the future, despite how much my health has deteriorated. I have to pray every day that I can try to learn programming and get a work from home job if I am too cowardly to ctb, but I probably will never get hired anyway due to my disabilities.
That is another kicker about life. People tell you how strong you are for simply existing as a disabled person, then get angry when you state the reality that being disabled puts you at a disadvantage. They don't want to enact meaningful changes and reforms that would help disabled people have a better quality of life, they just want to use you as a conversation topic of, well at least my life isn't as bad as that person's!
Autistic people have consistently been treated with as much respect as a bin of rubbish, and no one cares unless you are like Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory, possessing some profitable savant talent. The hurt and disenfranchised linger in the background. We are not rain men or nuclear phycists. We are simply forgotten, or blamed for failing to conform to rigid social standards of behavior that we were never taught.
Knowing all this, what even is the point of continuing? I would have anhedonia and ennui regardless of my suicidal ideation. The world will keep on turning with or without me. All the wars, famines, diseases, betrayals, ponzi schemes, etc in all their glory will keep on going. People will say all that suffering is worth it for a pretty sunset or a nice cup of coffee. You jest, surely? We will agree to disagree.