Venting What does the future look like if you don't CTB?

[Forever Sleep]

- I'll continue to do whatever I can to do my creative job because it's the one thing that gives me a sense of purpose. But... it's a physical job and extremely precarious, so it will be living with constant uncertainty, exhaustion and I'll one day get to a point where I can't physically do it anymore.

- I'll likely have to get a wage slave job at that point or before because the pension/ salary I receive won't be enough to sustain me.

- At some point, my Dad will die. If he goes first, I have the problem of seeing a (suspected) narcissist at the funeral. Someone I feel like I would do anything to avoid. So- that would be my ideal time to CTB. If my Dad outlives my step Mum- I'm in a real fix because I can't abandon him then and then, I'll no doubt have to see them. (They are why I became suicidal in the first place.)

- When my Dad dies, I'll likely lose touch with my step family and have very little to do with my extended family. I've also let friendships lapse, so I'll pretty much be alone- again- ideal time to CTB.

- If I don't though, I'll be stuck with getting older, frailer, probably iller and definitely poorer alone. Why would I want to do that?!! Yeah- the future really doesn't look bright! So- I want to save myself long before it gets that bad.

 

[alivefornow]

I can't see a future in which I am happy.

 

[uzuf86]

To me, every waking day is torture. I'm really tired of giving myself too many chances in life that have all been fucked up. For the state I am in, going out is the only way forward

 

[notindanger]

I would be just waiting to die. Maybe I would get a better job, probably would get child trapped or something, considering my family... and probably live a sad, useless and worthless life. So pretty much exactly as it is today, just with me being older and probably more sick and shit

 

[february in alaska]

I relate to this a lot, and that part about loneliness hits hard. It's so weird how you feel lonely but then suddenly keep pushing people away because you feel like you're going to be a burden to them or that you don't deserve them, and the cycle goes on and on.

The only thing weirder is how I'm self aware of it...

Oof. Yep. I've been telling myself "this is the year I try and make friends again" since my 7th grade and it has never once worked out. And these days I feel like it's just cruel to try and make friends with people when I'm planning on dying soon anyway. It's a terrible self fulfilling prophecy

My heart goes out to you, seriously. Take care and try to be kind to yourself, because this shit is not easy

 

[Glandular]

Just more and more pain until my body completely fails me.