What do you think you deserve?

[JJ-NOHOPE]

I've been trying therapy for the last few months. Trying to see if there is a way to try to live.

My therapists and friends tell me that I am not worthless and that I deserve to be loved. I have known that is bullshit since my parents basically abandoned and neglected me starting when I was 11 and left me and my siblings to fend for ourselves against a world of sexual predators to get raped and sexually molested.

"You deserve love. Everyone does." And I so wanted to believe it. I have been alone every minute of my adult life. And I am old now.

But if you are inherently damaged. If you are old and ugly. If you are bitter and angry. If you have thought you are worthless for over 40 years, then maybe it truly is too late. Maybe it is time to get the N out of the closet and take your bitter medicine. Who would or could ever love me? The answer has always been crystal clear - no one.

Time to stop feeling like Tantalus. Does Tantalus have his days when he can't stop crying, his days when he is too tired to cry, his days when he can't get out of bed? If he had a bottle of N wouldn't he take it to end his torment?

Who do they think they are dangling that carrot of hope before me? Just to try to keep me living so they don't have to live with my death?

 

[Philip]

Your therapist keeps tangling the carrot because with you alive he still gets paid.....that's it, and of story. He don't care about nothing but money, that's all that matters. Sorry if that is harsh, but that's the way I feel about any of them

 

[Redt2go]

Your therapist keeps tangling the carrot because with you alive he still gets paid.....that's it, and of story. He don't care about nothing but money, that's all that matters. Sorry if that is harsh, but that's the way I feel about any of them

The therapist gets paid regardless... If op kills themself someone else will come in to replace them. This belief about therapists is tired... I do agree that hope can stress you out when your mind always goes back to hopeless...

 

[JustAboutDone]

Can I be controversial and difficult and say it's never too late?

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I can relate to those feelings. I think i deserve a better life than this one. Everything that has happened to me in the past 5 years was unmerciful and I did not deserve that. No one deserves to be abused. So at this point I just think i deserve a peaceful death and a good after life..or maybe another chance at a good life. I want to erase these memories.

 

[JustAboutDone]

I don't think your therapist is dangling a carrot and I don't think they would be working with you if there wasn't a cat in hells chance for you. They'd just give you one session on some "lyfestyle typs" and swiftly move on.

You also mentioned friends. If you can make friends then there is also hope. Your parents didn't love you and made you feel worthless - that doesn't make YOU worthless, it makes them totally inadequate parents. Absolutely nothing to do with you, you were just unfortunate enough to be in the wrong place at the wrong time - like a rabbit crossing the road and being hit by a car driven by a moron who is drunk and never passed a driving test.

So now the injured rabbit can be repaired and get back out there. You are never too old and it's never too late. One of my neighbours is 74, she has just got a boyfriend:-)

 

[restforeternity]

@JJ-NOHOPE May I ask how your parents left you and your siblings? Are you still in contact with them?

I guess what we are able to give is what we deserve in return. I am sorry to hear about your childhood. No child should have to endure what you and siblings went through. If you can find it within to help another child who's endured the same as you, it may be your purpose to live. That's just my two cents and not imposing anything. Your question is quite thought provoking and gives me something to dwell on.

 

[Onomotopoeia]

Saying you deserve love sounds kind of like a cliche cop out. If you ignore the cliche though there is a fact behind it that should encourage even the biggest cynics. Barring some true sociopaths everyone else is not only capable of love, but most people want to love others. The issues are typically not with people in general and instead with maybe the people in our lives, or in some cases lack of people in our lives. These are problems that are in theory easy to overcome, but in practice much more difficult.

I personally do not buy into the notion that anyone really deserves anything good or bad. Life is a series of efforts, emotions, and accidents that leaves some more prepared than others. Finding someone to love and/or to love you though is almost a given provided enough effort, resolve, and resiliance.

I say this as someone who cannot overcome those challenges myself so I understand how empty the words can be. Truly though even the cynic I am knows this is true. So I wont say you deserve love, but certainly you can be loved and would have love to offer in return.

Good luck to you

 

[JJ-NOHOPE]

I don't think your therapist is dangling a carrot and I don't think they would be working with you if there wasn't a cat in hells chance for you. They'd just give you one session on some "lyfestyle typs" and swiftly move on.

You also mentioned friends. If you can make friends then there is also hope. Your parents didn't love you and made you feel worthless - that doesn't make YOU worthless, it makes them totally inadequate parents. Absolutely nothing to do with you, you were just unfortunate enough to be in the wrong place at the wrong time - like a rabbit crossing the road and being hit by a car driven by a moron who is drunk and never passed a driving test.

So now the injured rabbit can be repaired and get back out there. You are never too old and it's never too late. One of my neighbours is 74, she has just got a boyfriend:-)

Hi JustAboutDone.

Thanks for the kind words. I do appreciate it. My therapist says that I need to work on my self esteem so I wrote up a list of "all the crimes against my younger self" and how they made me feel. Out of this list of almost 30 things, almost all of them made me feel worthless. This is a difficult thing to combat because it has been part of my personality for over 40 years.

But we are trying to work on it. I don't have high hopes, but hope and I aren't on good speaking terms in general.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Hi JustAboutDone.

Thanks for the kind words. I do appreciate it. My therapist says that I need to work on my self esteem so I wrote up a list of "all the crimes against my younger self" and how they made me feel. Out of this list of almost 30 things, almost all of them made me feel worthless. This is a difficult thing to combat because it has been part of my personality for over 40 years.

But we are trying to work on it. I don't have high hopes, but hope and I aren't on good speaking terms in general.

It will be difficult - and that's the understatement of all time however I really believe your therapist wouldn't be working with you if in this way if they thought there wasn't a way you could achieve the future you want.

I really believe that if you can find a way to accept the past and draw a line under it - and say this happened to me but it was not my fault, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Then if you can learn to find all the things that are good and lovable about yourself - and, YES, everyone has good things :-) then you will find a way to move forward and find someone to love those good things about you, too.

 

[JJ-NOHOPE]

@JJ-NOHOPE May I ask how your parents left you and your siblings? Are you still in contact with them?

I guess what we are able to give is what we deserve in return. I am sorry to hear about your childhood. No child should have to endure what you and siblings went through. If you can find it within to help another child who's endured the same as you, it may be your purpose to live. That's just my two cents and not imposing anything. Your question is quite thought provoking and gives me something to dwell on.

Hi restforeternity,

Parents divorced, we got our mother. Father wasn't around much, and was off with new girlfriend and trying to kill himself 7 different times. Mother went completely crazy, with drugs, alcohol and literally 100s of extremely creepy men that she would bring home to ogle and fondle her 12&14 year old daughters. She would leave the house for 4-5 days, almost every week. It didn't take long for some very creepy guys to figure out that there were some very young and unprotected girls in that house. Won't go in any other details about that.
This life went on for another 7-8 years. I was attempting suicide, in and out of mental hospitals my entire adolescence. How I wish I had just died the first time!!!

This is just the tip do the iceberg. Life was a living hell.

My adult life was just another version of hell. A hell born in that crazy house so many years ago. I am paying the cost every single day of my life.

What I wish for and desire is romantic love. But it's not possible for me with my rapes and molestations haunting me.

I don't really hope for much of anything. I suppose if I work really hard maybe I'll get out of bed someday and go get another job where I work 60-80 hours a week and get no recognition.

But how does that get me romantic love which is what I really desire? It doesn't. And nothing does, because I am not attractive, I am worthless, and old, and even if none of that were true, I've built defensive walls around myself which have been pretty successful at keeping men at bay these last 40 some years.

 

[Throwaway563078]

Peace.

 

[JJ-NOHOPE]

Saying you deserve love sounds kind of like a cliche cop out. If you ignore the cliche though there is a fact behind it that should encourage even the biggest cynics. Barring some true sociopaths everyone else is not only capable of love, but most people want to love others. The issues are typically not with people in general and instead with maybe the people in our lives, or in some cases lack of people in our lives. These are problems that are in theory easy to overcome, but in practice much more difficult.

I personally do not buy into the notion that anyone really deserves anything good or bad. Life is a series of efforts, emotions, and accidents that leaves some more prepared than others. Finding someone to love and/or to love you though is almost a given provided enough effort, resolve, and resiliance.

I say this as someone who cannot overcome those challenges myself so I understand how empty the words can be. Truly though even the cynic I am knows this is true. So I wont say you deserve love, but certainly you can be loved and would have love to offer in return.

Good luck to you

Hi onomatopoeia,

Very interesting way of looking at it. I agree with your approach. It makes much more sense to say capable of or wanting love rather than deserving of love. I will ponder this and see if I can apply it to my situation.

Thanks for a helpful, thoughtful response.

 

[Cookiedough8956]

I deserve atleast someone who cares whole heartedly and genuinly without taking advantage of me and dropping me.

I care about ppl, why is it so hard for others to do the same for me?

 

[Quinlor]

I hurt everyone around me so I believe I deserve nothing just pain and guilt... i know that the problem is my depression but I give a shit about that

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

Not being born in the first place.

 

[iiii5555]

I deserve nothing, for there is no intricate measurement of worth that determinates how "deserving" someone is of something. All the universe has already being defined by the determinism of existence - if something "good" happens to you, for example, it is not due to the "virtue" of your actions, but to the fact that this were already going to happen anyway.

I don't believe in destiny, though. It's all more like this mathematical sort of fate: if you hit a ball, the ball moves. So everything depends on everything else; something is gonna lend somewhere, because something acted upon that other thing to put it there.

Remember: even your "will" and "character" are meaningless in that sense, because all the things about you - personality, apperearance, will, resilience, etc. - are controlled by hormones, chemistry and environment. Nothing that you perceive as "unique" or as "deserving" about you has any actual value. You're only programmed to think that way.

 

[Buddyluv19]

@JJ-NOHOPE

I'm sorry for your suffering. It sounds like you are in pain.

I wish I could say or do something practical that could help - like maybe bring you some hot tea or invite you out for a walk. Or maybe just listen to what you are going through without judgement.

Asking if I 'deserve' something conjures up a lot of suffering for me. It reminds me of kneeling in a pew asking for forgiveness for something I didn't mean to do. It reminds me of telling a friend something when all I needed, really, was to be heard - and All a got was lousy advice laced with judgement. It reminds me of all the times my well-developed inner critic has scolded me for 'not doing or being' the right thing.

I wish for you relief from suffering, if that is what you desire. I wish love for all as well. I know I need love, and I'm not in a position to ask if I 'deserve' it.

Peace

 

[Roberto]

43 years. I deserve to be hitted, insulted, urined, laughed pointting at me with the fingers.
I deserve to not exist.
I hate myself. I'm useless.
I wish in my funeral, they throwed my ashes to the toilet, and pissed on me and/or spit. I don't deserve living, love or money. Better feed the pigs.

 

[Redt2go]

43 years. I deserve to be hitted, insulted, urined, laughed pointting at me with the fingers.
I deserve to not exist.
I hate myself. I'm useless.
I wish in my funeral, they throwed my ashes to the toilet, and pissed on me and/or spit. I don't deserve living, love or money. Better feed the pigs.

:(