Discussion What caused you to first seriously consider suicide as an option?

[monstercatering]

First it was shame and failure. I was still in middle school but I got my first depressive episode and stopped doing assignments and the teachers had to talk to me saying they would call my parents for failing class. I didn't know how to CTB at that time but I really wanted to. Since then things got better, then worse, then better, then worse, then better, and worse. I've been in the same cycle so I'm finally accepting that it is how it is.

Now I don't really care about the shame as an adult I feel like it's up to me what I care about. But I still have a disconnection from what I want from life, and what reality is. Reality is that life sucks, and people have to find their own meaning. But I don't care enough to do that and I'm too weak. I got too caught up in idealized stories and imagining my life as a movie, once things fall apart I think it's better to swallow my pride and end it now then live a shameful life.

 

[LastLoveSong]

Realised I didnt have a purpose and didnt want one

 

[ezziiooo678]

ive "attempted" many times before but it was really only to hurt myself, i did have serious thoughts of wanting to die but i had always been afraid to truly go through with it so i purposely only partially attempted and just accepted whatever came next(that being hospitalizations) but ever since i joined this site i know im seriously considering suicide as an option now

 

[lv-nii]

My father died, my brother is a bastard. I don't get along with my family in general, most of my life is wasted playing video games and rotting in my room. My psychologist doesn't know what to do with me, she just tells me: Promise me you won't kill yourself.

I don't even know what I feel anymore, I just want to stop suffering.

 

[Nicholas22231]

Ever since I was 12/13, tried OD-ing but I chickened out, now I'm 19 and it's getting worse.

 

[reyonrays]

The moment i realized it was not going to get better from this point on.

 

[folly_]

ive been depressed since i was a tween. runs in the family. ive always felt just so lonely no matter what i do or who im around. i have close friends now but it doesnt seem to help. probably part of it is that im neurodivergent and trans, but even after i found people like me i still feel like an outsider. also a former "gifted kid" and artist, got horribly horribly burnt out and found suddenly i could barely do anything at all.

i started thinking about suicide frequently at maybe 13, but usually it wasnt serious and more like "i wish i could just disappear forever" or stuff like that. after years of that it became more specific and like a real thing that i would do someday (´ρ`) at 13 i didnt think id live to 16, then didnt think id live to 18, and here i am still... with a plan set for the day i turn 19. rough

 

[lifelite]

I was born different. I knew I'd eventually lose friends and never have relationship. Now that friends are gone, it's just the constant failing at worklife and not being able to study for a better job due to my condition. Especially these last months, failed work opportunities and having to go back to my ultrashitjob and just receiving the information that doctors are not gonna help me with my focus/attention related issues. Too much to take. I'm finally defeated

 

[merryberry]

Isolation, family and my mental health. My parents divorced when I was 3, my mother made fun of me with her friends for publically embarassing myself since I heard what sex was when I was 7 and just playfully told everyone. For years she brings that up, makes shaming sexual jokes about me with men, hinting I'm a w* and calling me spoiled. She never did this to my sister. I feel like it has made me behave asexually, fear and feel anxiety about getting into a relantionship, since I'd get mocked for it so I've never had any closeness in my life. At 12 I was utterly ashamed and thought I ruined my life for talking about sex and I realized no one from my class liked me anyways. I was poor at reading social cues, hyper and had odd interests. That age I planned to OD in the school bathroom or jump off from the roof, but I failed to get the materials.

I gained an ED and went days without eating at 13 years old and my dad died that time from a heart attack. No one gave me help, no one cared. I was put into a very awkward family therapy with my mother in the room where I said nothing and it ended there. My cousin joked how I need "to exercise more" when it was dessert time at my dad's funeral. I barely have close friends, I failed my exams, my current friends - who also suffer from depression - only call me "a difficult friend" when I tell them I'm too tired to go out, and I feel hopeless and ashamed to reach out or do anything now. It's like I've lived my entire life depressed, anxious and dissociated and it'll get worse when I get old enough to graduate uni.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

When I was a child, I saw that life isn't really meant for me. Life is designed for neurotypical people, not for neurodivergents like me

 

[guineapiglover8503]

Ever since I was 12/13, tried OD-ing but I chickened out, now I'm 19 and it's getting worse.

Aw I'm so sorry <3

 

[Done_with_the_world]

Just a warning, this is kind of long. So read if you want to/ have the time. Comment if you can relate, or message me if you want to have a discussion. I don't mind. We are all here for a reason.

My childhood growing up was actually surprisingly good. I always knew that growing up my mother and father loved me. I guess I blame my genetics. My mom and dad (who I consider my real parents) aren't actually biologically related to me. I got my genetics from my birth parents, who randomly met at a party and I became a result of that. They both knew they wouldn't be the best at raising a child, so I was given away as a baby to those I consider my real parents. But my birth mom is completely nuts, and should probably be locked up, and I have also heard my birth father also has concerning behaviour.

My childhood growing up seemed magical. Until my entire side of my dad's family started dying. My dad died when I was 6, of cancer. He told me he wanted to die, to be with his brother. I guess that messed me up a little bit.

I had always been a bit strange, and didn't fit in at school, so I was picked on a lot. Two girls pretended to be my friends and then tried to drown me in the local pool when I was 9. They didn't succeed.

My grandma was there for me through all of it, same as my mom. My grandma was a real comfort for my during those hard times, and we were best friends.

My mom was great too, but she was a helicopter parent, and I was so tired of her very high expectations. Her behaviour was very abusive at times too. She once threatened to take my dog out onto the middle of the highway and make me watch as she was run over, unless I stopped crying at 2am in the morning for having to do math. This behaviour came from my mom's dad. It was only later in life that I realized how messed up my grandpa was. The worst part is that my mom still makes excuses for his behaviour.

I loved my grandma more, and felt sorry for her the older I got. Grandpa had mellowed put a bit, but my mom still told me stories when I was older of how he treated her. He was an abusive alcoholic who got into fistfights with my grandma. My mom was also horribly physically abused by her brothers, also. I think my grandma felt bad about the way her kids were raised, as she was always so gentle with me.

My grandma died when I was 12, and I'm sure a part of me died with her.

I have been for sure depressed since I was 12. My entire life, after that, was kind of rough. I didn't trust anyone as a teenager and continuously shut people out because I was afraid they would hurt me. And I was really intimidating so people would not try to get to know me. I hung out with outcasts as a teen, and we were deeply troubled. I started self harming and doing suicide attempts at this time. This was also the time I started hearing music and voices in my head, and that continued for a year and then stopped.

Then, I graduated eventually and decided to take Psychology, as I also wanted to help people who struggled like me. I realized how long it would be, and my mental health continued to decline. I also started hearing things again for about 2 weeks.

So, I got on antidepressants and they didn't help. In this time, I changed my career to library technician and started attending classes. But my mental health started declining, and I started fighting a lot with my mom. Then I began hearing things again for about 3 months at this point.

I eventually went and saw another therapist again, as I kept seeing a bunch of different therapists for a few years at this point. I was working during this time, but lost my job due to the Covid 19 pandemic. So I moved back home, and the fighting with my mom was unbearable. I got a psychiatrist at this time, and he diagnosed me with a few things.

I eventually got another job in my hometown. I got sick during this time, as I was eating horribly and gained nearly another 100 pounds. I eventually finished my degree, and moved to another city for a better career opportunity.

I had two short term jobs in the current city I reside in. Then I found a permanent part time position pumping people's gas. I have been here 2 years. During that time, I had a bedbug infestation, got a boyfriend and then changed my career again.

I eventually decided to do a business diploma, which I'm in school for now. My boyfriend broke up with me again, which sent me spiralling. He had suggested getting off my medication. So I had been off for 6 months, and that was a bad idea as my medication started to help a bit. Then I got horribly angry at everything. I even wrecked half my apartment in anger. But my mental health is still bad, and that's why I'm on here I guess. I'm back on my medication and am trying therapy again, at least.

Sorry, I wrote an essay. Just needed to get this out.

 

[hereornot]

At 30, I had a good life, I earned a good income and had two companies of my own. Then my mother, who had always been a troublemaker, would die if no one took care of her. My other brother got out of the way and there I was, taking care of and supporting a sick cluster B patient. This consumed everything I had accumulated, consumed my energy and my mental health. When I managed to retire her, I was scammed by my only brother.

In 2018, I thought for the first time that CTB was an option because I had lost what I had built up during my life to take care of my family, who didn't care about me.

But I still had a father and he was important to me. I gave up. Two years later, he died. I took more financial scams from my brother, and my mother, well, my mother with all the evil that a cluster B has. Doing a lot of harm to whoever was closest to her, and that was me until a few days ago.

I don't even know how I don't have CTB yet, after all, why live in a world where your own family is worse than your worst enemy?

 

[Goosechan]

I've never felt like I had a place in this world and the family I come from is...well... dynamic to say it in a lighthearted way. Things were the most peaceful they could be at home if I just made myself really really small, made my needs insignificant and accommodated everyone else instead. Because there were less fights I considered this behaviour and this way of thinking about myself a succes. It's ingrained in me now.
Ever since I've heard about suicide I felt like that would be me one day. Not in a dramatic way, but just matter of fact. It made sense. The smaller I am, the less significant, the better my family, and by extension the world, will be off. I know this is disordered thinking, but it's part of my core. I cannot shake it, especially not without the help I would need from professionals. Help I've been chasing without success for years.
I never thought I'd make it to 20 and I remember being so disoriented when that time came. I'm closer to 30 now and it seems just as surreal that I would reach that.

 

[MeaCulpa]

I was suicidal before I ever hit my teens. Attempted a few times in both elementary and middle school (unfortunately, child me lacked the knowledge to find a method that would actually work.) I've been depressed for longer than I can actually remember- I was always an outcast in one way or another during my school days. By middle school, I had a group of girls that would yell "no one cares" any time I answered questions in class (even if the teachers did that thing where they randomly call a name, instead of calling on someone with their hand raised.) My self-worth has been in the toilet since my age was a single digit. Always doing everything wrong, always needing assistance with something; always a burden. For most of my teens, I was able to escape through video games... but they haven't brought me joy in years. More recently I managed to get a job- something that kept my head above the water for a brief time... Until it became abundantly clear that I am nothing but a burden to my boss and coworkers, as well. Like some others have mentioned, I've felt for several years now that I would end my life by my own hand someday. It seems like the natural conclusion.

 

[squidsponge]

It seemed it was a natural result of my home life from a young age before I even understood it. The result of living in anguish fear despair in a broken home was "I want to die". Then that just stayed even when I went off to highschool later. And now I see it will never leave and I ask if I was meant to live this long in the first place.

 

[nobody3457]

What I gather from this forum is that most ppl that want this fate for themselves felt like outcasts one way or another, yet, as a society people laugh at those those people. I've seen it quite a few times where one dude, not particurlary mean, just not smart enough to realize that people aren't laughing with him and yet his presence seems to hold the group togheter. Only once people walk in his shoes they care.