Venting What Can I Do

[Broken Chimera]

I've been here off and on for years and I don't think I've ever vented here, but I need to today. I had a few therapy sessions a while back and heard what I knew already. That I had the right to feel how I feel. I've been through a lot from childhood up to adulthood then escalated up to today.

Ever since I found this forum I felt relieved to see others actually get it. I never really joined in too much unless I forced myself to. And every time my anxiety spiked. Part of it because I never fit in anywhere and I was stalked online for years. So I felt like everyone was against me. There are a lot more reasons but I don't feel like telling that old story here.

After that therapist I realized that I truly didn't care about living. There's not much here for me anyway. Things have been good for me for the last couple of years, but my feelings never changed towards life. I've been in survival mode for so long that it's all I know. I'm just tired now.

Don't look at this as self pity. I've had good moments. I still have things I would like to do. But when I ask myself, "Do I really want to put myself through the pain and time to get there?" most likely not. I've had the rug pulled from underneath me so many times that I just became stuck and stopped caring about anything. So what's it worth to start over when I can lose it all in one move?

I'm just rambling at this point but I literally don't know what to do. I have one more thing I have to do. Once that's done I'll know what's next. Sorry if this seems all over the place but I'm so dissociated rn to where I can't think straight. But thanks for reading my rambling. And I hope your day/night is going well.

 

[FuneralCry]

After all, life is just a pointless experience that we go through for the sake of it. There is so much unnecessary pain and suffering. I personally have no interest in living. I understand that it is hard to carry on when you are tired of everything. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Crazy4u]

life is very meaningless when all we do is survive. It is not pity.

I wish you find relief feom your suffering

 

[Broken Chimera]

Ty for your replies. I appreciate it.

 

[little helpers]

After that therapist I realized that I truly didn't care about living. There's not much here for me anyway. […] I've been in survival mode for so long that it's all I know. I'm just tired now.

Don't look at this as self pity. I've had good moments. I still have things I would like to do. But when I ask myself, "Do I really want to put myself through the pain and time to get there?" most likely not. I've had the rug pulled from underneath me so many times that I just became stuck and stopped caring about anything. So what's it worth to start over when I can lose it all in one move?

this really strikes a chord with me. hence me saying, "if I'm merely living for myself, then every year is a good year to die, any time is the right time to exit." and it's almost like when you know how low you can go, you stop caring about prospects, "when I can lose it all in one move."

the struggle doesn't make sense. my existence to this point doesn't make sense. and it don't have to. it never does. I feel trapped too.