Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Shinkansen]

I feel like a lobster in a restaurant aquarium, its destiny is to be caught and boiled alive to serve as dinner for a rich customer.

 

[AllReturnsToNothing]

I wan to die but i dont want to have to kill myself i wnat god to kill for fucking gods sake why cant the earth just band together and kill me already everybody want so badly to kill me why dont they just do it already why dont they just get it over with everybody knows i deserve to die just do it now do it now i need this so badly just do this please please i cant take it annymore please kill me somebody reading this now please just kill me please

 

[Deleted member 18655]

If I had everything I need I'm fairly sure I'd be ctb tonight. Oh, it's just so hard waiting for my SN. The days are all a blur and the nights are endless. With each day alive and each post I read here, the more at ease I am with my decision. I just don't want to wait around for it.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Anxious. I can't get used to my new place. It's very isolated. I feel alone and scared. I should have known better.
It's a beautiful place, most people would kill to live there... I just want to scream and leave

 

[Exhausted1705]

M

I wan to die but i dont want to have to kill myself i wnat god to kill for fucking gods sake why cant the earth just band together and kill me already everybody want so badly to kill me why dont they just do it already why dont they just get it over with everybody knows i deserve to die just do it now do it now i need this so badly just do this please please i cant take it annymore please kill me somebody reading this now please just kill me please

Me too. I prayed to die even today. It's crazy. The people who want to die, just don't. The people who want to live die

 

[Spirals]

Feeling unloved and unappreciated. I feel ignored, underestimated, unimportant, and beaten down by everyone close to me and by society. I keep trying to be good enough or perfect and I keep rising to the top only to find that I fall short when compared to the cream of the crop. I feel like a slave who has to grovel in this world to find the next abusive employer and I am expected to not only be grateful for that but to continue to make work, education, and paying off debt my life....this is slavery. I feel stuck and hopeless and would like to disappear. I can never be good enough.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

Yesterday I had a meeting with my therapist. Bawled and talked about feelings I had worked all week on bumbing. Peer counsellor phoned this morning. Same thing. Group tonight. Good grief! I'm so tired and drained and empty. And my SN is just a four-hour car ride from here. I want it. It will terrify me to have it - fear of death and the fear of not being able to resist death. Meto appointment tomorrow. I just want to know if I'm strong enough to do it. I want to hurt myself and escape. Badly. So so badly. Just let me go to Hell and rot there. Permanent torment means there are no other options. Hell on earth means there's always an option. Being eternally damned is something I can accept as deserving. This limbo and misery is too much!

/stream.of.consciousness

 

[Circles]

I just feel so done. I feel like I've reached a wall with nowhere to turn. I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing is helping. I realize I have a very limited number of options. It's like I have just these two: Either accept this shitty life or kill myself, both are fucking hard to do. Living for others is a joke as being with anyone especially family with the little time I do have with them isn't enough to make up for the constant bullshit I have to go through just to get through 1 fucking day after another. The days last too fucking long to handle anymore and I'm fucking tired of being trapped inside this house living the same fucking pathetic existence day in and day out and for what? I would ask what's the point but even that feels too dull to say anymore. Life isn't about living it's about making you as lifeless as possible.

 

[iDieUDie80]

Afraid of myself, scared about my anger. Feel like I'm never going to get what I want. As I move towards suicidal ideation, my OCD plagues me with intrusive "what about" scenarios that I seriously don't want to consider. Intrusive thoughts were crippling me all morning. I need guidance. Idk what the fuck to do. Hopefully the help I'll be getting by the end of this week will be proper, otherwise I just want to be gone.

 

[AllReturnsToNothing]

I'm back after being gone from SS for about 5 days. I was hoping that someone would have noticed I was gone or something like that which is fucking stupid considering I don't have any friends here and the whole reason I left was because I don't fit in. Tried ctb again after my last post on Monday but couldn't even get the rope tied properly before I broke down crying realizing that I just couldn't fucking do it. I just can't die. A friend from high school who texts me just to check in about once a month checked in on me yesturday and I told her that I tried to kill myself. She was worried but she was familiar with that having attempted suicide herself in high school. I don't have any lifelines right now so I made plans for us to hang out later in the week since its easier for me to talk to someone face to face. It was nice and felt really good but just further highlights the connection that is so missing from my life. We've been texting back and fourth but I've started to notice that I only text her when I feel shitty. She says its fine and that she's here for me but I fucking refuse to be that friend who only comes to someone because they feel like shit. I just can't fucking do that to someone whose so kind and has been through so goddamn much. So here I am again. Alone in the world again. No lifeline. No nothing. Can't live and I can't die. Like Sisyphus I am bound to Hell.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

Anxious. I listened to two songs today, both of which are triggering for me: one about loving someone very intensely and the other about wanting to release loved ones from being hurt by me. I love people more than I think it's understandable and yet I'm abandoned and, I feel, forgotten. But, at the same time, it's like they're all preliminarily released of me. I'm anxious because I'm ready. NOW. I got another notification that my SN is still in Poland but "ready" to be boarded. I want it here now. I want to go now. I want to get all the fears out of the way. I want to raise the cups to my lips and put behind me the lingering, childish hopes that things will change, that I'm worth saving. I'm not and the reality of that will carry me through the next weeks until my bus ticket of poisons arrives, ready to take me to hell. I'm ready. I'm ready. i'm ready. Let my damnation begin already!

 

[LurkerMcGee]

I'm having a bit of a pity party at the moment, but also grateful for this site. I'm anxious because of the possibility of being unable to procure the things I need to ctb, but I have more researching to do here on that.

 

[ritsulover]

Motivation, weirdly enough. Cutting everyone off and focusing on myself. Need to learn individuality and learn how to be independent

 

[XYZ]

Pain in my stomach. Anxiety. Dreading tomorrow and all the days after that. What does it feel like not to be afraid?

 

[Deleted member 18655]

Something weird is happening. Either I'm having more of my MS or I'm thinking about someone and am having an attack from the trauma. I 'm having tremoursand my eyes are going squirrelly. I can't focus. I hope sleep will help. The meds aren't helping. I want a new brain or a bus.

 

[NomadicWolf382]

It's after 1130pm. I have to be out the door at 4 AM tomorrow morning and walk about 25 minutes to catch the bus, just to be at work by 6:30 am. I worked today from 6:30 AM until about 3 PM, then again from 4 PM until about 8:30 PM. I'm fucking exhausted, my legs feel like they're being ripped apart, yet I can't sleep :(

 

[Agoodguy]

A longing for people too see and accept truth about me that they don't and probably won't ever see. A longing for fentanyl.a longing to have peace and end my horrific suffering and pain, too end all the constant stabbing of my heart from people in this world.

 

[shy]

I feel like putting my head in the sand and don't think about anything. That's just going to make things worse, thus the rat race continues.

 

[miguel6565]

tired,very tired

 

[irregularheartbeat]

I hate every fiber of my being.
I regret the way I've lived my life, and choices I have made. I feel to blame for every bad thing that has happened, I do not feel worthy of anything but sadness.
I hate my illnesses, and my memories and experiences are an enemy.
I wish so badly that I could be really anybody else at all.

 

[LenkaX]

I feel like the most worthless shit on this earth. No friends, no gf, no hope. My life is just a pointless nihilistic existence.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

Ready. Cut off from everyone. Hopeless. No job, no friends anymore, no hope, no will to care, no desire to try to "get better." Just get me to the moment of truth so I can face the final choice of life or death.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Planning my CTB for Thursday night/early hours of Friday morning. SN stat dose. Just went to get it out my car as I had packed up a lot of my things and my SN and Meto was one of those things. It feels better now it's on the desk in front of me. Hoping it's pure as I haven't tested it. @6ixxy had sent me his that he used to CTB but I foolishly gave it away, I know that stuff was pure. Here's hoping.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i feel silly. i get excited about the littlest things, the smallest words, things that really shouldn't make me feel happy. "normal" things like going out to eat, taking a walk, etc. don't make me happy, but spending a quarter of my day on this forum does?
i don't want to be mature. i hate being mature. why can't i get a break for once? why can't i be ignorant like everyone else? why can't i be satisfied like everyone else?

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

Pissed off for the most part.
Well, today it's more of an apathy for now, but yesterday was fine too... until the neuro's bitch called. She wants me in "therapy" ASAP. The problem, of course, besides the fact I already am dealing with a therapist, is that she wants it to be intense and daily. The bitch thinks I have no life.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

I'm feeling pulled in a direction I don't want to go in and I can't figure out if it's because I need to deal with it once and for all so I can leave it for good or if I'm being pulled back to stay. I hate this feeling. I'm indecisive and I reallllly don't want to face some things. Sh*t.

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

I'm having trouble thinking, actually.
After two months of doing jack shit, I'm back at work.
The brain doesn't like that - "new" environment, "new" people, so it's doing what it does best: produces irrational fear, anxiety, and when the two are at a high enough level, minor seizures.

 

[almost_dead]

I wanna give a long hug to my crush . I miss her so much .I just want to be with her . Is that too much to ask, huh Life ? Just seeing her made my day and I had never felt so happy , but now I cant see her and all I think about is her .I am in college , so I cant even study now :( I just want to see her again , will we ever meet ? Will ever be able to hug her ?? I just want a hug

 

[OttOnSN]

I'm tired of this endless wakeup-think about suicide-sleep cycle. Once my SN arrives I hope I can resolve myself enough to actually follow through.

 

[Mafe]

Agotada, me duele la cabeza, el corazón. Tanto dolor penumbra mi existencia