What are autistic people generally like when close to ctb?

[Siamese Believe]

Does it differ from neurotypicals? I can only speak for myself, I know as a level 2 I've always struggled with keeping my feelings to myself, I don't like doing it. I want to feel seen, I want to be understood.

The more isolated I became, the more I considered suicide as an exit from this. And suicide never leaves my mind.

I've had to grow to repress the urge to vent or make jokes about my pain to my family Because otherwise they only ignore me more, saying I'm too negative all the time. Funnily enough this only makes me even more isolated and suicidal.

It's like slowly falling deeper into a hole and the harder you try to escape, you slip deeper and deeper until you get swallowed whole.

 

[SpanishLullaby]

Like any other suicidal person.

IN PAIN!!

 

[autisticbrain13]

i found that last year - when i had reached the point of purchasing and stockpiling pills, my chest felt really heavy and i had more meltdowns & shutdowns. Whilst i normally mask and push myself through work, i had to call out of some shifts, which is unusual for me. i wrote out an itemised list of my room detailing who could have what & letters too.

i'm an external processor, but during that time talking took so much energy from me i just didn't.

the rumination & routine surrounding planning it was going haywire, and i remember reading this site around that time - i realised my plan was weak. and the morning i intended to do it, i realised all the steps required to leave the house and take a train, a destination not set in stone, i couldn't seem to find hotels that took cash payment (i didnt want to be followed, i realise this is quite naive.) and i couldn't pull myself out of bed, there was a stranger outside my room too fitting carpets down, i didn't want to have to see him and pass him.

perhaps i didn't actually want to, but that's the closest it's felt.

 

[looking4partner]

I have always had chronic ideation, but my suffering increased so much that it feels like literally every other thought now. I read that autistic people have the thoughts more often and more obsessively because of how it causes perseverative thinking and difficulty moving on from a subject/transitioning.

I became unable to mask certain traits and it seems like people get even more annoyed by me than they used to because of that which makes me hate being like this even more :(

I have told people some of the things that help (related to what I read about autism), but most people won't do it or listen to the things that would help me which makes me even more suicidal because I keep imagining a life where people understand those things and it's never going to happen for me. And I know there are other families who are very aware of those needs and may have helped prevent their autistic family from having CTB thoughts by respecting their needs and supporting them and advocating for them and devoting themself to helping them learn life skills.

I also already felt overwhelmed by how to handle life and figure it out after finding out that some of my issues affecting how people treat me might not be changeable. Then, I developed another intense disorder that made all my worst sensitivities and mental health conditions even worse than they already are and is overwhelming & isolating for people who don't have autistic traits. I also had no experience with life skills and even non-autistic people with this condition need high levels of support and help.

And I am suffering at an even higher level every second of the day and expected to be responsible for figuring out even more overwhelming problems even though I need more help than I ever have before because of it and it makes my life scarier, lonelier, & than it has ever been. And is also misunderstood so it adds on to that hardship and affects my ability to communicate even more. And people also have even more control over my life & schedule because of it when I have been trying to be able to get control myself my whole life.

And yes, it's extremely hard not to say anything but there is a time limit for me now based on external circumstances and I will likely never have the chance again to do it after that. The pressure caused by that is overwhelming though :(

Because I had certain well thought-out plans about how to achieve privacy if I ever attempted and I will not be able to do it that way anymore.

Things have also affected my ability to be able to have long social breaks & alone time when I need it and feel okay during that