What about my family?

[cu1len]

I am worried about what my family will do if I do ctb. My nana left her family and friends to be with my mom, siblings and I when we moved and hasn't had anybody besides my brother and I for a long time and I'm terrified of how she would handle it. I'm even more terrified of how my mom will react to be burying her own child, and that is a constant fear that plagues me. As with my dad I'm afraid he will go back to drugs or alcohol and my grandparents I don't even know how they would react. But the person that worries me the most is my 6 year old sister. (We are about 12 years apart) and she loves me so much and it breaks my heart to imagine my mom explaining that I wouldn't be coming back anymore. I don't want anybody to be hurt or feel guilty for me ctb.

 

[existenceissuffering]

Mine will get over it very quickly. With every other death in the family, they've gotten over it quickly and had more negative than positive things to say about the deceased family member. I won't be the exception.

 

[stellabelle]

I am worried about what my family will do if I do ctb. My nana left her family and friends to be with my mom, siblings and I when we moved and hasn't had anybody besides my brother and I for a long time and I'm terrified of how she would handle it. I'm even more terrified of how my mom will react to be burying her own child, and that is a constant fear that plagues me. As with my dad I'm afraid he will go back to drugs or alcohol and my grandparents I don't even know how they would react. But the person that worries me the most is my 6 year old sister. (We are about 12 years apart) and she loves me so much and it breaks my heart to imagine my mom explaining that I wouldn't be coming back anymore. I don't want anybody to be hurt or feel guilty for me ctb.

You could read /r/suicidebereavement to gauge an idea of what others go through when someone decides to ctb.

 

[TiredHorse]

I am worried about what my family will do if I do ctb. My nana left her family and friends to be with my mom, siblings and I when we moved and hasn't had anybody besides my brother and I for a long time and I'm terrified of how she would handle it. I'm even more terrified of how my mom will react to be burying her own child, and that is a constant fear that plagues me. As with my dad I'm afraid he will go back to drugs or alcohol and my grandparents I don't even know how they would react. But the person that worries me the most is my 6 year old sister. (We are about 12 years apart) and she loves me so much and it breaks my heart to imagine my mom explaining that I wouldn't be coming back anymore. I don't want anybody to be hurt or feel guilty for me ctb.

Those are, indeed, troubling fears. And realistic, I'm afraid; I cannot soothe them or brush them aside with any honesty. Suicide can tear family members apart, and it sounds like yours might be affected very, very deeply. As often as I hear people on this forum say, "my family won't care, and they'll move on quickly," I doubt that is the case for most of us. I know my sister and mother are both terrified that I will ctb, and I know also that if I do, it will be devastating to them --and I'm 49, so it still won't be as bad as if I were still in the first quarter of my life. My mother described me as "the glue that holds this family together," and as much as I resent having that weight on my conscience, I have to admit that it's an accurate assessment of my role. I do not like to carry that weight, but having seen it, it behooves me to carry it honestly.

I have no doubt that you are in agony --you wouldn't be here if you weren't-- and I admire you for facing these realistic fears head-on. That isn't easy, and I expect it makes the pain you already feel even worse. It may even lead to you deciding not to ctb for your family's sake, which will come at the price of prolonging your own pain, but will be deeply compassionate on your part.

You're looking at your own death and its ramifications honestly, which is more than most people ever do. If you do decide to ctb, you cannot be said to have shirked your conscience. If you decide to live, it will unquestionably have been an altruistic decision.

 

[cu1len]

Those are, indeed, troubling fears. And realistic, I'm afraid; I cannot soothe them or brush them aside with any honesty. Suicide can tear family members apart, and it sounds like yours might be affected very, very deeply. As often as I hear people on this forum say, "my family won't care, and they'll move on quickly," I doubt that is the case for most of us. I know my sister and mother are both terrified that I will ctb, and I know also that if I do, it will be devastating to them --and I'm 49, so it still won't be as bad as if I were still in the first quarter of my life. My mother described me as "the glue that holds this family together," and as much as I resent having that weight on my conscience, I have to admit that it's an accurate assessment of my role. I do not like to carry that weight, but having seen it, it behooves me to carry it honestly.

I have no doubt that you are in agony --you wouldn't be here if you weren't-- and I admire you for facing these realistic fears head-on. That isn't easy, and I expect it makes the pain you already feel even worse. It may even lead to you deciding not to ctb for your family's sake, which will come at the price of prolonging your own pain, but will be deeply compassionate on your part.

You're looking at your own death and its ramifications honestly, which is more than most people ever do. If you do decide to ctb, you cannot be said to have shirked your conscience. If you decide to live, it will unquestionably have been an altruistic decision.

Thank you this has given me a better outlook on things, but the problem I have is that I've been prolonging my pain for years and each day it's harder. I can relate to you with having so much pressure put on you as my family is expecting me to do "great" things, all of which I do not have the strength to do. I've been toying with the idea of ctb for a long time and where I'm going to do it, when and how because I'm sure all of these factors will impact them differently. I realize that there is no escaping that they will be hurt but I'm scared of what will happen to my own health if I don't ctb. I'm not in a great s.o.m. and I don't want to affect the mental health of my little sister and brother with what I'm going through but I'm not sure which is worse; them being around me constantly while I'm in a bad state of mind or them growing up without me

 

[TiredHorse]

I hear what you're saying, and I sympathize. I first tried to ctb when I was 15, so I know very well that there's no minimum age for when the pain becomes unbearable.

What you describe is, indeed, a difficult equation to solve: how to balance the pain your death will cause vs. the pain you're enduring --and that you can feel is increasing. Sadly, no one here can help with that equation. It is too specific to you and your family.

I would gently point out that there are two more factors involved, with your siblings, besides their current pain of seeing your anguish and their potential pain from growing up without you. The first is the way your choice to end your own life will affect them. That, in itself, will quite possibly amplify every other pain they are likely to feel from your absence. The second is how your parents' reaction to your suicide will affect how your parents interact with your siblings --and since I don't know your parents, there's no way for me to predict that variable.

I'm sorry, I know this may feel like I'm "guilt tripping" you into not ctb, and perhaps like I'm acting pro-lifey, but you do not seem like you're the sort of person to gloss over the potential damage, so I thought I might mention these factors you might not have considered.

 

[cu1len]

I hear what you're saying, and I sympathize. I first tried to ctb when I was 15, so I know very well that there's no minimum age for when the pain becomes unbearable.

What you describe is, indeed, a difficult equation to solve: how to balance the pain your death will cause vs. the pain you're enduring --and that you can feel is increasing. Sadly, no one here can help with that equation. It is too specific to you and your family.

I would gently point out that there are two more factors involved, with your siblings, besides their current pain of seeing your anguish and their potential pain from growing up without you. The first is the way your choice to end your own life will affect them. That, in itself, will quite possibly amplify every other pain they are likely to feel from your absence. The second is how your parents' reaction to your suicide will affect how your parents interact with your siblings --and since I don't know your parents, there's no way for me to predict that variable.

I'm sorry, I know this may feel like I'm "guilt tripping" you into not ctb, and perhaps like I'm acting pro-lifey, but you do not seem like you're the sort of person to gloss over the potential damage, so I thought I might mention these factors you might not have considered.

Don't worry heh you won't be able to guilt trip me but you are right about those things. My dad has had lots of his friends commit suicide so he has sheltered us from it for a long time and it scares me thinking of the lengths he might go to or the isolation he might go through in my absence. As for my siblings, i can't bear to put them through that pain. But no matter how much I try I know I'm gonna keep the my finger on the trigger, even if I don't pull it

 

[TiredHorse]

Oh, I would never tell you to take your finger off the trigger. I know that peculiar comfort far, far too well myself. My life just came to pieces when my 24 year marriage collapsed torturously, but even during those 24 blissful years there were days I pointed a gun at my head --literally.

I see you're new here, and I'm pleased you've found your way to the site. I can't tell you what your experience here will be over the long term, of course, but my own time here, though relatively short, has been astonishingly theraputic. The people here are, by and large, the most compassionate I've ever known, and there's no one going to doubt that you have both the right and the reason to ctb. Which, for me, has taken a lot of the edge off my need to ctb. I hope perhaps you might find some comfort here for yourself. Maybe even enough to make surviving for the sake of your family something you can endure.

 

[cu1len]

Oh, I would never tell you to take your finger off the trigger. I know that peculiar comfort far, far too well myself. My life just came to pieces when my 24 year marriage collapsed torturously, but even during those 24 blissful years, there were days I pointed a gun at my head --literally.

I see you're new here, and I'm pleased you've found your way to the site. I can't tell you what your experience here will be over the long term, of course, but my own time here, though relatively short, has been astonishingly theraputic. The people here are, by and large, the most compassionate I've ever known, and there's no one going to doubt that you have both the right and the reason to ctb. Which, for me, has taken a lot of the edge off my need to ctb. I hope perhaps you might find some comfort here for yourself. Maybe even enough to make surviving for the sake of your family something you can endure.

Thank you! I've tampered with this site a few times in the past but I can never remember passwords and emails (as well as I was focusing on my friends not dying).

 

[TiredHorse]

I hope you find comfort here, since it sounds like you're in agony over what's likely the most difficult decision you could ever contemplate.

 

[NotWorthLiving]

I've thought about it and I figured the only way certain people won't be upset if I die would be the ones who doe before me. I'm gonna try and leave on a good note so they have at least some positivity to remember me by.

 

[Politecat]

Listen dude, I don't want to persuade you one way or another, but if you do commit suicide, your family, your friends, everyone around you. They'll be really hurt. One of my good friends killed himself almost two years ago when he was 17, I still haven't forgotten him, I know he left a note but I was never able to read it, until I CTB I'll forever be stuck with not knowing why he did it. And I doubt if I did know that I'll truly come to terms with it. Basically, if you do continue down this route and do it. Well, your family won't be able to live normally for a while, especially during Christmas, or Thanksgiving. They'll forever miss you. But that's just a drawback. That's just one con, don't forget why you're CTB, whether it's stress, financial burden, or mental health just remember that you're doing this for a reason.

 

[Smilla]

Those are, indeed, troubling fears. And realistic, I'm afraid; I cannot soothe them or brush them aside with any honesty. Suicide can tear family members apart, and it sounds like yours might be affected very, very deeply. As often as I hear people on this forum say, "my family won't care, and they'll move on quickly," I doubt that is the case for most of us. I know my sister and mother are both terrified that I will ctb, and I know also that if I do, it will be devastating to them --and I'm 49, so it still won't be as bad as if I were still in the first quarter of my life. My mother described me as "the glue that holds this family together," and as much as I resent having that weight on my conscience, I have to admit that it's an accurate assessment of my role. I do not like to carry that weight, but having seen it, it behooves me to carry it honestly.

I have no doubt that you are in agony --you wouldn't be here if you weren't-- and I admire you for facing these realistic fears head-on. That isn't easy, and I expect it makes the pain you already feel even worse. It may even lead to you deciding not to ctb for your family's sake, which will come at the price of prolonging your own pain, but will be deeply compassionate on your part.

You're looking at your own death and its ramifications honestly, which is more than most people ever do. If you do decide to ctb, you cannot be said to have shirked your conscience. If you decide to live, it will unquestionably have been an altruistic decision.

What do you mean when you emphatically state that this is more than most people ever do (ie thinking about others/ramifications). I believe this to be entirely untrue. You make it sound as if most suicides didn't give a damn about ones left behind, and that altruism is somehow a justification for staying alive for years in unbearable pain.

 

[cu1len]

Thank you guys for the help, and I realize there is no way I can escape them being hurt. Because of that I'm not sure if/when I'm going to ctb. I agree that I'd like to leave them on good terms.

 

[LostBoy]

You are probably sick of me saying this, but,
I lost my son less than 6 months ago, no warning or obvious reason other than being bored with what life had to offer and feeling like an empty shell.
All this I found out after he took his life, I struggle to get through each day without thinking about what he did (gassed himself in a hire car) I can find some surface happiness but that's just pacifying my daily needs to continue with. My own life,
I'm constantly aware and thinking of him and his actions that day.
So please don't underestimate the impact this will have on your family and friends, the only winner in suicide is the person who CTB, the suffering, blame, guilt and hurt are all passed on to the surviving family members.
He has a sister too who is struggling, his mother (don't keep in touch with her) and step family and cousins uncles etc.
All the new things in life yet to come will all be impacted now,
My daughter, if she has a child or gets married or does anything that marks a milestone in life, any life markers I have or what his mother's life stages present will all be marred knowing that my amazing son won't be here for it.
I'd give anything to go back in time knowing what I know now and have a chance to talk to him.
Yes his suffering is over now however the rest of his family just began this additional suffering on 13th of July 2018 for the rest of our lives, to the point where that ripple effect could well see myself and my daughter going out early like he did because its not something that we will ever get over.
So think long and hard, can your life be improved, can you change something that will make a difference to your desire to live or die?
I know it's not an easy desicion to make but please remember that your end will only begin a word of pain for many for a long time or even forever.

 

[tiredofchronicpain]

You are probably sick of me saying this, but,
I lost my son less than 6 months ago, no warning or obvious reason other than being bored with what life had to offer and feeling like an empty shell.
All this I found out after he took his life, I struggle to get through each day without thinking about what he did (gassed himself in a hire car) I can find some surface happiness but that's just pacifying my daily needs to continue with. My own life,
I'm constantly aware and thinking of him and his actions that day.
So please don't underestimate the impact this will have on your family and friends, the only winner in suicide is the person who CTB, the suffering, blame, guilt and hurt are all passed on to the surviving family members.
He has a sister too who is struggling, his mother (don't keep in touch with her) and step family and cousins uncles etc.
All the new things in life yet to come will all be impacted now,
My daughter, if she has a child or gets married or does anything that marks a milestone in life, any life markers I have or what his mother's life stages present will all be marred knowing that my amazing son won't be here for it.
I'd give anything to go back in time knowing what I know now and have a chance to talk to him.
Yes his suffering is over now however the rest of his family just began this additional suffering on 13th of July 2018 for the rest of our lives, to the point where that ripple effect could well see myself and my daughter going out early like he did because its not something that we will ever get over.
So think long and hard, can your life be improved, can you change something that will make a difference to your desire to live or die?
I know it's not an easy desicion to make but please remember that your end will only begin a word of pain for many for a long time or even forever.

I am sorry for your loss, but I really hope your daughter will not conceive a child. I hope you learn from this situation of yourself; you are forcing a life into this world needing to become a circus clown. Life is average for most people, but torturous to a lot. - a burning building that needs to be evacuated.

When you are creating a life form you give that person no other option than to live a life of success or non-sentient being that should be cared for. We are responsible beyond our will to HAVE To succeed under extreme pressure and stress from a life we did not choose to be in. I am sure your son suffered to think what he would have done to the family, but unfortunately, sometimes living can be more torturous to parents too. Ever thought about that? Like in my case, a child that becomes 30 and still living with his parents, causing so much shame to everyone around him by being an anxious embodiedment. Some people have no life quality - or they cannot appreciate any quality others can from life.

I do not think suicide is the answer, but it is the person's decision and his alone. I think, reflecting on my own thoughts, the suicidal person was more victimised in this life and thought of the atrocity he would commit by waking up every morning. You do not know what he considered before or tried. Any death is difficult, and suicide is just another death as the individual decided he/she cannot continue further. It was no easy option for him, he certainly had the pick between 2 evils, and picked the lesser one.

Good luck.

 

[gnrluver0105]

There's no way to lessen the pain, but it's not different than dying of natural causes, after my dad died, we still struggle and feel much pain, even 9 years after, still hurts thinking that he's not with us anymore, but dead it's a natural part of the life, if your family members don't have accepted this, that everybody is going to die, it's not your fault.

 

[Jonjon]

I am worried about what my family will do if I do ctb. My nana left her family and friends to be with my mom, siblings and I when we moved and hasn't had anybody besides my brother and I for a long time and I'm terrified of how she would handle it. I'm even more terrified of how my mom will react to be burying her own child, and that is a constant fear that plagues me. As with my dad I'm afraid he will go back to drugs or alcohol and my grandparents I don't even know how they would react. But the person that worries me the most is my 6 year old sister. (We are about 12 years apart) and she loves me so much and it breaks my heart to imagine my mom explaining that I wouldn't be coming back anymore. I don't want anybody to be hurt or feel guilty for me ctb.

Death is a natural part of life. First few months will be hell for them, but they will recover.

I've seen people that were closer than brothers find new friends, lovers who found love again and they all get over it eventually. Life goes on.

Whatever your reason it is to CTB, it concerns you and only you. No one should suffer more than they need to.

 

[tiredofchronicpain]

agr

Death is a natural part of life. First few months will be hell for them, but they will recover.

I've seen people that were closer than brothers find new friends, lovers who found love again and they all get over it eventually. Life goes on.

Whatever your reason it is to CTB, it concerns you and only you. No one should suffer more than they need to.

my conception follows yours to a T.

 

[bigj75]

Life goes on but the effects of it can be felt. I don't care about my family at this point. They are the reason I'm ctb'ing in the first place.

 

[Death.]

I care crazy about my family. I love them all. Also, they love me.

Nightmares I receive from pain. I must go and leave them...

 

[21Neberg]

I too have wondered about this. I know my family will be torn over my death, but I think about it this way: I never asked to be born, and I never chose to be here, but it is my choice to go or stay in this hell.
Also, do I need to suffer so much just so my family doesn't?

 

[Eren]

I am worried about what my family will do if I do ctb. My nana left her family and friends to be with my mom, siblings and I when we moved and hasn't had anybody besides my brother and I for a long time and I'm terrified of how she would handle it. I'm even more terrified of how my mom will react to be burying her own child, and that is a constant fear that plagues me. As with my dad I'm afraid he will go back to drugs or alcohol and my grandparents I don't even know how they would react. But the person that worries me the most is my 6 year old sister. (We are about 12 years apart) and she loves me so much and it breaks my heart to imagine my mom explaining that I wouldn't be coming back anymore. I don't want anybody to be hurt or feel guilty for me ctb.

I'm in exactly the same situation (except that I do not have any siblings) it scares me to imagine what my mother will suffer if I get CTB I feel terrible just thinking about it.

 

[cu1len]

I'm in exactly the same situation (except that I do not have any siblings) it scares me to imagine what my mother will suffer if I get CTB I feel terrible just thinking about it.

Exactly! My mother is one of my best friends and I don't want her to feel that it is any of her fault that I ctb. I'm the first born and she always called me "her favorite" (as a joke of course) but i can't help but feel the pressure from that phrase

 

[Eren]

Exactly! My mother is one of my best friends and I don't want her to feel that it is any of her fault that I ctb. I'm the first born and she always called me "her favorite" (as a joke of course) but i can't help but feel the pressure from that phrase

Yes I feel the same, why you want Ctb? You are very young

 

[cu1len]

Yes I feel the same, why you want Ctb? You are very young

My main reason to ctb is that I just don't have the motivation to live. My family puts so much pressure on me to do "great things" and I can't help but feel that I have to live up to expectations, that I have to be compliant. Another reason is the constant ache in my chest caused by my boyfriend when he almost ctb. I was texting him while on the phone with another friend when he almost ctb. It was the first night I attempted ctb (I cut my wrists but not deep enough so it was just excruciating pain for over an hour). There's not a lot that makes me happy nowadays. I just feel like there isn't anything for me to look forward to.

 

[cu1len]

Another thing that eats away at the back of my mind is how my boyfriend will react. Like I said in a previous comment, i talked to him all night while he tried not to ctb. Since then he's had multiple nooses stashed around his room and while he's been getting better, a catastrophic event or loss could tear him apart. He's said multiple times that I'm the only thing that makes him happy and while it's supposed to be uplifting, it scares me. I have very little doubt about ctb in every area except where it concerns friends and family.

 

[Eren]

My main reason to ctb is that I just don't have the motivation to live. My family puts so much pressure on me to do "great things" and I can't help but feel that I have to live up to expectations, that I have to be compliant. Another reason is the constant ache in my chest caused by my boyfriend when he almost ctb. I was texting him while on the phone with another friend when he almost ctb. It was the first night I attempted ctb (I cut my wrists but not deep enough so it was just excruciating pain for over an hour). There's not a lot that makes me happy nowadays. I just feel like there isn't anything for me to look forward to.

I'm sorry to hear that, hugs

 

[Eren]

My main reason to ctb is that I just don't have the motivation to live. My family puts so much pressure on me to do "great things" and I can't help but feel that I have to live up to expectations, that I have to be compliant. Another reason is the constant ache in my chest caused by my boyfriend when he almost ctb. I was texting him while on the phone with another friend when he almost ctb. It was the first night I attempted ctb (I cut my wrists but not deep enough so it was just excruciating pain for over an hour). There's not a lot that makes me happy nowadays. I just feel like there isn't anything for me to look forward to.

Have you tried to go to therapy or another specialist? Maybe I could help you, it's just a recommendation.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I don't know what to say except I like to give a hug *hugs you warmly*