Venting Went to therapy for the first time in months

[attackingvertical]

I had a virtual appointment with my old therapist, the first since moving. Honestly I just wanted someone to talk to. I hate talking with friends and family, especially about darker thoughts, because I know I'm making them worry. I also just feel incredibly awkward dealing with other people's anxiety or crying, and I prefer an outsider who I don't have to see daily and who won't freak out.

I briefly mentioned having thoughts of CTB. I didn't mention making a plan or browsing a forum or anything like that, because I don't want to end up hospitalized. I just said it was vague thoughts and not actually wanting to CTB. She said she was going to have to report this to my mom due to safety and ethical reasons.

It feels ridiculous to me. I do get it somewhat from her standpoint, if she said nothing and I did act then the blame would fall on her, but as far as she knows they were passing/bordering intrusive thoughts. I went out on a limb to share and now it feels like my privacy is being breached. I'm 23. As far as I was aware, I thought they couldn't share what you said unless there was reason to believe you were at imminent risk of harming yourself or others. She has also tried to nudge me towards christianity though, so she isn't exactly the best rule follower.

I'm tempted to cancel the next appointment, but my mom is paying for it and paid for four sessions. I'm sure the money would just be refunded back, but I don't want her to realize I don't want to see a therapist anymore. Considering just saying I'd prefer in-person and saying ill reschedule elsewhere.

This is all so dumb. I feel so embarrassed.

 

[BillyBob]

Don't feel ashamed at all. Many people have gone through this situation were they will instantly report you for mentioning those so called Bad words.
I tended to find that most therapists will try and get any small bit of information out of you about if you want to die or are having thoughts then will report it to someone.
It sucks because these are suppose to be trained and trust worthy people and the fact that you are an adult makes it even worse.
If anything, see if you can stick it out for the next 3 more appointments, If they start asking messed up questions, just stop answering them.
Reason I say this is I doubt your mum will get back the money for the therapy since it was only 4 sessions.

 

[iveseenfootage]

I've never been honest with anyone, let alone my therapist, about how deep my feelings of self hatred and suicide go. Honestly nobody would really understand us (even if they wanted to, legally they have to intervene)

 

[Always-in-trouble]

I've never been honest with anyone, let alone my therapist, about how deep my feelings of self hatred and suicide go. Honestly nobody would really understand us (even if they wanted to, legally they have to intervene)

How bad does it get for you? I'm in a similar boat to you where self-hatred is just consuming me.