And I hate myself so much for it. My sibling and I have been abused by my parents my whole life... They both partook in physical and verbal abuse. I developed extreme anxiety because of that... Every day my heart would thump loud and whenever my father would approach or my mother would start her abusive rants, my muscles would get extremely tense and felt like my heart is about to give up any moment. But I didn't know that my anxiety was slowly and slowly building up. When 2020 approached, I finally convinced my mother to take me to the hospital for my inability to breathe. Didn't get diagnosed with anything, but got convinced somehow or other that I actually have a serious malignant disease. She made a joke out of me.
I think I found my hell on earth that year. Every day, I would shiver and shake in bed out of extreme fear. From morning till night. And won't be able to sleep at all. Imagine a panic attack that lasts for 5 to 6 months without stopping even momentarily. I was not able to eat anything because of the fear...
Ofc my parents never took me to the hospital because if they refused to take me to the hospital for physical problems, then what are mental problems.
Now a few years have passed, and my insomnia has persisted. But my sibling is very serious about dying, but I am unable to feel anything. Bad or good. My head is constantly empty.
I think it's the trauma. I wish I could feel as passionately about it like them. I am not jealous of them, because they're suffering a lot to be thinking that. And I cannot imagine a world where they don't exist, we barely get any opportunities to do it, so when we get the next opportunity, I know I have to do it. I see nothing in this pathetic life that interests me, I know everything...
Wish I had a greater motivator.
I think I found my hell on earth that year. Every day, I would shiver and shake in bed out of extreme fear. From morning till night. And won't be able to sleep at all. Imagine a panic attack that lasts for 5 to 6 months without stopping even momentarily. I was not able to eat anything because of the fear...
Ofc my parents never took me to the hospital because if they refused to take me to the hospital for physical problems, then what are mental problems.
Now a few years have passed, and my insomnia has persisted. But my sibling is very serious about dying, but I am unable to feel anything. Bad or good. My head is constantly empty.
I think it's the trauma. I wish I could feel as passionately about it like them. I am not jealous of them, because they're suffering a lot to be thinking that. And I cannot imagine a world where they don't exist, we barely get any opportunities to do it, so when we get the next opportunity, I know I have to do it. I see nothing in this pathetic life that interests me, I know everything...
Wish I had a greater motivator.
