Venting Well I fucked up my plan big time

[BorderlineQ]

Well I fucked up.

2 weeks ago I had a plan, a date, and was just waiting on my SN to arrive but the wait was really getting to me.

I was at work and could barely function, feeling very suicidal, and there was no way I was gonna get through the day without a half assed attempt I knew wouldn't work (since I didn't have the SN yet). I ended up calling my partner who I'm long distance with and they immediately knew what was going on. They know me a little too well, including when I'm actively suicidal and at risk. So they ended up having me go to the ER as there was no way they'd let me go home etc.

So for the last two weeks I've been in the psych ward and on top of that the SN I was waiting on was delivered and thrown out by my family. Since they all know me well I also have no chance of faking being put together and not suicidal, so on top of all of that I'm going to be moved to a residential mental health facility for 90 days on Monday.

I went from having the plan and just needing to fake it a little longer to being in a longer term inpatient facility just like that.

The anger I'm feeling at myself at not being able to hang on till I got the SN is palpable.

Currently I'm at home for the weekend, supervised (though I've been able to self harm secretly) till Monday. And I have no idea how the hell I'd pull off a reliable attempt before then given the circumstances.

I feel identical to how I did before going to the psych ward and I don't see how 90 days in a different facility will change that. I'm exhausted. I wish my family would let me go.

 

[Zhendou]

Well, basically I can relate. My mother stopped me various times. She stopped me every single time. She even said that my methods will not work (inhaling water from the shower and suffocation by blanket). I nearly succeeded on suffocating myself with the blanket once but SI took over and I blew it. I even tried to drown myself in the bathtub but she stopped me again. You are not alone.