Well, I chickened out

[kyhoti]

September 23rd, 2024 was supposed to be my CTB date. I f'd up and couldn't get to my final site due to darkness falling. I wanted to keep my promise to myself, so went back to the site the next day, but I just couldn't follow through with my plan. I couldn't even look at my CTB items. I ended up calling my parents (mind you, I'm in my 50's) and asking them if they could bail me out of the trouble I was in; I had checked out of my motel, thrown away all my possessions and had only kept a few sentimental things in my one backpack. My folks couldn't help until the next day, so I slept on the sidewalk outside the motel.

For the past few months I have been going to the county mental health office as well as the U.S. Department of Veteran's Affairs. I've been put on meds to "help". I felt ashamed that I didn't have the strength to pull the trigger. I didn't want to come back here to SS for that shame. Everything is worse now, because people think I'm really trying, when all I'm really doing is stalling for time. Now I have the added shame of my elderly parents footing the bill for my daily life.

Thankfully, I kept my method on hand when initially I was going to get rid of it. I'm so glad I kept it, as I don't have the freedom to repurchase the items. Now I'm just waiting for another good time to CTB. I had picked September 23rd as a date for so many reasons, so now I have to find a new date that doesn't line up with any family birthdays or major holidays. I don't want to pick a memorable day because I don't want to taint it with the memory of my CTB. Right now, I think mid-March is my next window, followed by Late July. After that would be my birthday in August.

I'm so damned mad at myself for missing that window. It's just more ammo for my mental disease to mess with me, which it does constantly. And sad that the people with answers to "How did you find the strength to do it?" are gone because of that very strength. I'm trying to find joy in the little things, make the most of my remaining time I guess, but as most of you know, that burden weighs heavy on my mind.

I'm not even sure what I'm doing back here, as I've told my therapists and doctors all about it. I guess I just needed to vent. Now to just make it to March.

 

[needthebus]

sorry you're here

what did the therapists and doctors say about SaSu? good things i hope?

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I know it's hard, but there's no reason to feel shame, especially not here or with us. I think the people here understand the burden of failed attempts better than any dr will. SI is biologically built in, hard to quell with any drug or drink, and I'm really proud of you for reaching out to the people you knew would help, there's no shame here either. We're here for you, however much or little you'd like to post.

 

[Mors.Mors.Mors]

Don't

September 23rd, 2024 was supposed to be my CTB date. I f'd up and couldn't get to my final site due to darkness falling. I wanted to keep my promise to myself, so went back to the site the next day, but I just couldn't follow through with my plan. I couldn't even look at my CTB items. I ended up calling my parents (mind you, I'm in my 50's) and asking them if they could bail me out of the trouble I was in; I had checked out of my motel, thrown away all my possessions and had only kept a few sentimental things in my one backpack. My folks couldn't help until the next day, so I slept on the sidewalk outside the motel.

For the past few months I have been going to the county mental health office as well as the U.S. Department of Veteran's Affairs. I've been put on meds to "help". I felt ashamed that I didn't have the strength to pull the trigger. I didn't want to come back here to SS for that shame. Everything is worse now, because people think I'm really trying, when all I'm really doing is stalling for time. Now I have the added shame of my elderly parents footing the bill for my daily life.

Thankfully, I kept my method on hand when initially I was going to get rid of it. I'm so glad I kept it, as I don't have the freedom to repurchase the items. Now I'm just waiting for another good time to CTB. I had picked September 23rd as a date for so many reasons, so now I have to find a new date that doesn't line up with any family birthdays or major holidays. I don't want to pick a memorable day because I don't want to taint it with the memory of my CTB. Right now, I think mid-March is my next window, followed by Late July. After that would be my birthday in August.

I'm so damned mad at myself for missing that window. It's just more ammo for my mental disease to mess with me, which it does constantly. And sad that the people with answers to "How did you find the strength to do it?" are gone because of that very strength. I'm trying to find joy in the little things, make the most of my remaining time I guess, but as most of you know, that burden weighs heavy on my mind.

I'm not even sure what I'm doing back here, as I've told my therapists and doctors all about it. I guess I just needed to vent. Now to just make it to March.

don't worry. I have failed many times too, but this time I will try meditating on the sensation of fear. I think it has the possibility to work because I have seen it work with my chronic pain; if you focus on it instead of avoiding it, it just dissapears somewhat.

 

[Forveleth]

Failed attempts are bad enough emotionally on their own, you do not need to also beat yourself up over them. Never feel bad about coming back here after a failed attempt. If anyone is going to know how you feel, a good number of us will!