Well fuck me

[DepressionsAHo]

Whew! Ain't that the truth?!

Damn, that's a serious drag about your dream job not panning out. I'm really sorry. I don't know what to say beyond that. I could go all Pollyanna on you, with any number of cliché platitudes, but I don't think that's productive, is it?

I can't say anything about holding off CTB for X years until... something. Some arbitrary landmark arrives. I first tried when I was 15, so it isn't as if I can say "you're too young" without being a hypocrite.

I do hope you can hang on, and if this fellow you're with helps, I say accept his affection as much as you can. There'll come a time when you can't avoid The Talk, when you need to tell him you've been suicidal, but don't rush it, don't force it, and who knows? Maybe he'll say "yeah, that's been obvious, and I love you anyway." At which point you just need to go from there. Or maybe he'll bolt, and that solves the equation quite simply. But I guess I'm trying to suggest that you not cut-and-run until the situation is utterly untenable.

Life has handed you a moment of joy and comfort. Accept it at face value.

He saw my scars. I got to scared when people saw them and a lot of different people commented. I told them all it was from a car crash. It's pretty obvious what they are and he didn't say anything. And same. As you (might) remember, my first time was at 8 years old. That's a terrifying prospect if it lasts long enough

 

[TiredHorse]

If he saw them, recognized them, and didn't say anything, does that mean he's waiting for you to open up at your own pace? If so, that's pretty good.

Comfort and joy are terrifying, aren't they? That removal of the day-to-day armor, so that you can feel such rewarding emotions, is not to be done casually. I flinch whenever I imagine it, and hate my uncertainty that I could ever again accept affection, even though I want it so desperately. To lie with my lover in my arms, her head on my chest, trusting and trusted... That's emotional cocaine: euphoric, addictive, and dangerous as hell. It's what I enjoyed for a very long time, and the withdrawals may yet be fatal.

 

[lululoo]

Not to be combative, but entirely as an intellectual discussion: I don't know that I agree with "you have to love yourself enough for both of you." I've never been able to love myself, but I do know that the closest I've come was when I was in a good relationship with positive feedback from my beloved. It made me feel important and worthwhile and good, because I was part of something that was important and worthwhile and good. My self-respect, self-esteem, and self-confidence were much, much higher than at any other time in my life. Nothing was perfect, and I would never have said that I loved myself, but I was very proud of who I was and what I could bring to the partnership. It was incredibly fulfilling, despite my depression (and my ex's awareness and tolerance of it). If this new relationship you have offers you some of that, might it be a good way to bootstrap yourself into a state approximating self-love?

And yes, it'll be a task and a half! No doubt about that. But maybe worth it?

As for whether it's "fair," fair is highly subjective. If I have a million dollars and I'm starving, and you have truck full of food but need money for the truck repairs so you can survive financially, is it fair for you to ask me $1000 for a meal? You have what I need; I have what you need and can lose it without harm to me. Win/win. He thinks well of you and takes comfort from your presence in his life. Is it worth it to him to help you climb out of a hole? If he says yes, then it's fair.

I suppose I should ask: have you found a job you love and been fired from it? If you've only been fired from jobs-for-the-sake-of-jobs, I wouldn't lose too much sleep. Yes, it can be devastating to self-esteem --whoo-ee, do I know that one!-- but give yourself some time. I don't mean to be a Pollyanna, but I wouldn't sweat the job situation. Not at 21. Hell, at 21 I was freelancing teaching rock climbing in the winter, living on ramen noodles and PowerBars, and stuffing bait-bags on lobsterboats in the summer. Hardly careers with much future. Things can get better.

Anyway, I'm just tossing annoyingly optimistic, dangerously pro-life ideas out there because I think someone I think well of --you!-- may have stumbled upon a seed of potential happiness, and I'd hate to see you walk away from it if there's a chance it could grow into something worthwhile. You deserve better than you think you do.

Whatever you decide to do after consideration, you know yourself better than I do, and I can't fault you for your decision.

I fully agree with what you said about relationships. I haven't even had a serious or long term one, but when I was with someone I had so much more self confidence and peace and self acceptance. Another person can totally help you to love and accept yourself and get better at loving and accepting others. I'm sick of this individualistic new age crap about how you can't be in a relationship until you fully love yourself and don't need anyone. We're humans!

 

[DepressionsAHo]

I fully agree with what you said about relationships. I haven't even had a serious or long term one, but when I was with someone I had so much more self confidence and peace and self acceptance. Another person can totally help you to love and accept yourself and get better at loving and accepting others. I'm sick of this individualistic new age crap about how you can't be in a relationship until you fully love yourself and don't need anyone. We're humans!

I guess I'm speaking more so of the people who's literal only reason for being alive is another soul. I'm being extremely hypocritical here because my only reason for a long time was my mama. I never told her that. There's a poem about this actually. The line goes:

Let me tell you something
No one is going to look at you broken and shattered and think
damn,
you are beautiful
no one is going to come pick up your broken pieces off the floor and assemble them into a beautiful whole.
hell,
You won't even look at yourself and think
I
make
broken
look
beautiful

I fully agree with what you said about relationships. I haven't even had a serious or long term one, but when I was with someone I had so much more self confidence and peace and self acceptance. Another person can totally help you to love and accept yourself and get better at loving and accepting others. I'm sick of this individualistic new age crap about how you can't be in a relationship until you fully love yourself and don't need anyone. We're humans!

This is the whole poem if you care to read it. I love it to pieces

Let me tell you something
No one is going to look at you broken and shattered and think
damn,
you are beautiful
no one is going to come pick up your broken pieces off the floor and assemble them into a beautiful whole.
hell,
You won't even look at yourself and think
I
make
broken
look
beautiful
you know why?
because all those writers lied to you
yes,
all those with their poems of scraped knuckles, blood dripping down chin, pomegranate songs and love that ripped through you like hurricanes..
Liars,
so you and I?
we're going to make a plan,
you are not going to romanticize the days when your brain tells you to smash that mirror
you are not going to romanticize the lover who doesn't understand you but still writes about you
here is what you are going to romanticize instead:
you are going to romanticize the first day of spring,
it's gentle hands all over your body lifting you up until you are as light as a feather
You are going to romanticize the tea and honey kind of love
No hurricanes
But Sunshine that build you up from within
that helps you make it through the worst days
You are going to romanticize the Gentle hand of a friend in yours telling you that is going to be ok,
because it is
and don't trust poets
we're no good
we love pretending that our jagged edges tantamount to a beautiful disaster but in reality, there ain't nothing beautiful about shaky hands holding a cigarette and empty eyes staring at the cracks in the walls.
You know what's beautiful instead?
the days when you can look at yourself in the mirror and smile,
scars and all
music that makes your soul flow like a river books that offer comfort
families flocking together like overgrown Birds to keep you safe and warm
friends that give you strength when you can't find it
lovers who make you laugh through tears
Baby,
From now on you're going to romanticize Healing
Honey dripping down your fingertips
August Nights that stick to your skin
Car rides
and singing so loud that no one can shut you up now
The day
you find your purpose
Bad news: no one can save you
Good news: you can save yourself
-Lana Rafael