Well fuck me

[DepressionsAHo]

I went and got myself involved with this guy i met on my travels. He's stupidly kind and a damn near perfect gentleman. I actually really like him but obviously, that's a burden for us suicidal people. I just got over the guilt of leaving my mom behind. I don't want to add another person to my list. I'm not really looking for comments or responses it's just.. idk. I don't wanna just stop talking to him. He's comfortable and inviting and gorgeous beyond belief. I don't wanna destroy anymore people when I eventually leave this world behind.
Fuck
Me.

 

[Kjo]

I know you're not looking for comments or responses. Just wanted to say thanks for sharing. Feel free to vent or say more. Best wishes

 

[Jean Améry]

People use others all the time so why wouldn't you? Who knows: you might actually become happy enough to let go of CTB. Seems like it's worth the risk.

Speaking for myself I've always put others first and it got me nowhere. It obviously doesn't pay to be moral and good in this world.

How do you know he'll be destroyed when you do leave? Unless he's in love with you or mentally unstable himself I don't think that's likely. People are incredibly egotistic and therefore resilient: as long as they themselves don't suffer greatly, are not in danger nor sustain damage they're usually pretty ok.

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

I went and got myself involved with this guy i met on my travels. He's stupidly kind and a damn near perfect gentleman. I actually really like him but obviously, that's a burden for us suicidal people. I just got over the guilt of leaving my mom behind. I don't want to add another person to my list. I'm not really looking for comments or responses it's just.. idk. I don't wanna just stop talking to him. He's comfortable and inviting and gorgeous beyond belief. I don't wanna destroy anymore people when I eventually leave this world behind.
Fuck
Me.

Maybe just enjoy it for what it is and leave him with good memories... no need to get too in depth. You said you were traveling, just say you have to move on for a solo journey.

 

[Darkmornings]

I recently met someone who's a nice guy. I almost feel sorry for him because he obviously doesn't know I'm ready to ctb. I feel it's unfair to date because I'm a complete weirdo.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

People use others all the time so why wouldn't you? Who knows: you might actually become happy enough to let go of CTB. Seems like it's worth the risk.

Speaking for myself I've always put others first and it got me nowhere. It obviously doesn't pay to be moral and good in this world.

How do you know he'll be destroyed when you do leave? Unless he's in love with you or mentally unstable himself I don't think that's likely. People are incredibly egotistic and therefore resilient: as long as they themselves don't suffer greatly, are not in danger nor sustain damage they're usually pretty ok.

Eh, I guess saying that does make me sound a bit narcissistic. I didn't mean for it to come across that way. I guess I should say hurt. I don't wanna hurt anybody else in any capacity. There's already a laundry list of people I know who I will be hurting I just can't stand the thought of adding to that list.

I recently met someone who's a nice guy. I almost feel sorry for him because he obviously doesn't know I'm ready to ctb. I feel it's unfair to date because I'm a complete weirdo.

Exactly the same. To a degree it's funny. I turn men down almost every day and when they ask me why I have to physically stop myself from saying I'm gonna Kill myself here in a bit and just give some lame ass "uhhhhhh because"....

People use others all the time so why wouldn't you? Who knows: you might actually become happy enough to let go of CTB. Seems like it's worth the risk.

Speaking for myself I've always put others first and it got me nowhere. It obviously doesn't pay to be moral and good in this world.

How do you know he'll be destroyed when you do leave? Unless he's in love with you or mentally unstable himself I don't think that's likely. People are incredibly egotistic and therefore resilient: as long as they themselves don't suffer greatly, are not in danger nor sustain damage they're usually pretty ok.

As for letting go of suicide. If depression was my only issue then yes, I could get through that myself. I've a host of others though. If I continue living into old age I'll end up on the streets with no money. I cannot keep a job. I'm completely and utterly incompetent in most areas apart from the ones that won't get me anywhere. If I continue living I'll fuck myself over in every sense of the word

 

[any%]

My heart goes out to you @DepressionsAHo ! I have never been in that exact situation, sounds horribly complicated though, at least if you are someone that tends to think a lot. And damn, somehow I would love to be in a position to turn down women everyday, but got never approached so far. But i guess a lot of men are also just plain disgusting and pushy so I would rather be a man being not approached all his life by any woman than a woman being approached by lots of men every day.
Dang, what am I even babbling, I am sorry.

As for letting go of suicide. If depression was my only issue then yes, I could get through that myself. I've a host of others though. If I continue living into old age I'll end up on the streets with no money. I cannot keep a job. I'm completely and utterly incompetent in most areas apart from the ones that won't get me anywhere. If I continue living I'll fuck myself over in every sense of the word

I wanted to share a line from a song that immediately popped up when I read that you feel like completely incompetent. It goes like this (sry i had to translate it, it might sound bumpy): "Whenever I do not do anything, I am good at what I do."

 

[Severen]

Yeah, everyone is perfect in every way after you meet him or her and exchange bacteria with each other and the Oxytocin in your brain is making you high. That's called the Honeymoon period, when your brain has been entirely taken over by blind lust. Wait 3 or 4 years and then tell people here how perfect he is...

 

[DepressionsAHo]

Yeah, everyone is perfect in every way after you meet him or her and exchange bacteria with each other. That's called the Honeymoon period, when your brain has been entirely taken over by blind lust. Wait 3 or 4 years and then tell people how perfect he is...

Mate, I get that your angry at the world but not everything is all shit. Relationships do last and it makes me overwhelmingly happy when they do. Your experiences with the world are not everybody's. Cody ko and Kelsey are two of my favorites. They're just plain happy. No need to shit on every ounce of positivity you see.

 

[Severen]

Mate, I get that your angry at the world but not everything is all shit. Relationships do last and it makes me overwhelmingly happy when they do. Your experiences with the world are not everybody's. Cody ko and Kelsey are two of my favorites. They're just plain happy. No need to shit on every ounce of positivity you see.

I never shit on positivity I see. :)

 

[any%]

@Severen Man, maybe try to be a bit more of a realist than this pessimist that jumps into threads to only shit on the people very blatantly & then opt out. Is that your online-hobby 24/7?

 

[DepressionsAHo]

My heart goes out to you @DepressionsAHo ! I have never been in that exact situation, sounds horribly complicated though, at least if you are someone that tends to think a lot. And damn, somehow I would love to be in a position to turn down women everyday, but got never approached so far. But i guess a lot of men are also just plain disgusting and pushy so I would rather be a man being not approached all his life by any woman than a woman being approached by lots of men every day.
Dang, what am I even babbling, I am sorry.



I wanted to share a line from a song that immediately popped up when I read that you feel like completely incompetent. It goes like this (sry i had to translate it, it might sound bumpy): "Whenever I do not do anything, I am good at what I do."

What is the song called?
And no, that makes sense. Essentially doing nothing is what I'm good at.
As for the approaching thing. Yes, men do approach me every day. It's not all positive though. I'm conventionally attractive but it also leads to nobody taking anything I say seriously. You wanna know a story? I had a landlord who beat the ever living shit out of me. He'd make constant comments about me, ask to take nude pictures, tell me I should strip etc etc etc. I couldn't move because I was dirt poor as in not eating for a week straight poor. One day he got angry at some bs. I ended up having to take him to court. When I told the judge about the comments including calling young girls "fine pieces of pussy" he (the judge) said to me, "well maybe he only hits on the pretty ones" and then smiled at me. In a fucking court room. Being pretty or whatever isn't all that but I can understand why some people are envious. I didn't have a single guy hit on me that wasn't a dare until I was a sophomore in high school. Before that, I was always mistaken for a guy and hated my face

I never shit on positivity I see. :)

Eh. Sometimes I read your responses to other people and it seems like you do. Just my 2 cents. I've a video that might make you smile a bit. You wanna see it?

 

[Severen]

What is the song called?
And no, that makes sense. Essentially doing nothing is what I'm good at.
As for the approaching thing. Yes, men do approach me every day. It's not all positive though. I'm conventionally attractive but it also leads to nobody taking anything I say seriously. You wanna know a story? I had a landlord who beat the ever living shit out of me. He'd make constant comments about me, ask to take nude pictures, tell me I should strip etc etc etc. I couldn't move because I was dirt poor as in not eating for a week straight poor. One day he got angry at some bs. I ended up having to take him to court. When I told the judge about the comments including calling young girls "fine pieces of pussy" he (the judge) said to me, "well maybe he only hits on the pretty ones" and then smiled at me. In a fucking court room. Being pretty or whatever isn't all that but I can understand why some people are envious. I didn't have a single guy hit on me that wasn't a dare until I was a sophomore in high school. Before that, I was always mistaken for a guy and hated my face

Eh. Sometimes I read your responses to other people and it seems like you do. Just my 2 cents. I've a video that might make you smile a bit. You wanna see it?

Nah, I don't think everything is shit. Just most things. And is positivity really positivity if it doesn't lead to a lifetime of positivity? Why do you think I want to CTB even if all my problems, went away tomorrow? Oh, I'm not depressed by the way. I'm on medication that is treating it 100%. Nowadays, I often enjoy moments of happiness and smile. I just know a lot about life, that's all. And want to express my thoughts here as if I'm not on reddit. I see no point in doing so and in a way, I would be doing a disservice to the community here.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

Nah, I don't think everything is shit. Just most things. And is positivity really positivity if it doesn't lead to a lifetime of positivity? Why do you think I want to CTB even if all my problems, went away tomorrow? Oh, I'm not depressed by the way. I'm on medication that is treating it 100%. Nowadays, I often enjoy moments of happiness and smile. I just know a lot about life, that's all. And want to express my thoughts here as if I'm not on reddit.

It's just how I interpret you sometimes
I can see your point to a degree but I lurk here a lot and you seem to focus on the negative aspects of things a lot. Even more than I do. I've been called out on it too so I try to change it up.

 

[Severen]

It's just how I interpret you sometimes
I can see your point to a degree but I lurk here a lot and you seem to focus on the negative aspects of things a lot. Even more than I do. I've been called out on it too so I try to change it up.

Well I should focus on the negative aspects of life if that is mostly what I see, surrounding me everywhere... Not just in my life, but everywhere, on this Earth. I'm not trying to offer people comfort here like a therapist or someone like that. I really come here to find like minded people, converse with them and in order to do so, I have to share the truth otherwise, how else would we be able to spot each other? You are seeking comfort here, that's cool. But me too.

 

[any%]

What is the song called?
And no, that makes sense. Essentially doing nothing is what I'm good at.
As for the approaching thing. Yes, men do approach me every day. It's not all positive though. I'm conventionally attractive but it also leads to nobody taking anything I say seriously. You wanna know a story? I had a landlord who beat the ever living shit out of me. He'd make constant comments about me, ask to take nude pictures, tell me I should strip etc etc etc. I couldn't move because I was dirt poor as in not eating for a week straight poor. One day he got angry at some bs. I ended up having to take him to court. When I told the judge about the comments including calling young girls "fine pieces of pussy" he (the judge) said to me, "well maybe he only hits on the pretty ones" and then smiled at me. In a fucking court room. Being pretty or whatever isn't all that but I can understand why some people are envious. I didn't have a single guy hit on me that wasn't a dare until I was a sophomore in high school. Before that, I was always mistaken for a guy and hated my face

I probably would have lost it in the court room, damn that is heavy shit. Well the song is from a german rapper widely unknown to most people (as it often is with good stuff) called "Prezident" with the title "Bukowski, wenn er Blumen pflückt". Prezi is a one of a kind rapper to me & basically is a very grounded, alcoholic & depressed guy and the lyrics are on point and hit home. But I really have to say that it is hard to understand if you are not at least fluent in german.

He uses the german language so nicely. Lines I very much like are also: "What the hell is grass? I only know of green snow, somehow it is always winter when I go outside my door" or "I dont even go in the shower without bottle (alcohol), bite it in its neck and it bleeds out into my throat" (referring to the bottle, in german a bottle is female, so i had to use it and its in english i guess?) and "Do you believe in true love? No? (Do you believe) In philandering, in laying in each others arms when the endorphins are hammering?"

 

[DepressionsAHo]

I probably would have lost it in the court room, damn that is heavy shit. Well the song is from a german rapper widely unknown to most people (as it often is with good stuff) called "Prezident" with the title "Bukowski, wenn er Blumen pflückt". Prezi is a one of a kind rapper to me & basically is a very grounded, alcoholic & depressed guy and the lyrics are on point and hit home. But I really have to say that it is hard to understand if you are not at least fluent in german.

He uses the german language so nicely. Lines I very much like are also: "What the hell is grass? I only know of green snow, somehow it is always winter when I go outside my door" or "I dont even go in the shower without bottle (alcohol), bite it in its neck and it bleeds out into my throat" (referring to the bottle, in german a bottle is female, so i had to use it and its in english i guess?) and "Do you believe in true love? No? (Do you believe) In philandering, in laying in each others arms when the endorphins are hammering?"

Reminds me a bit of xxxtentacion
He's an American rapper who unfortunately passed away (gun violence)
He has a song called "everybody dies in their nightmares"

"Tired of feelin' like I'm trapped in my damn mind
Tired of feelin' like I'm wrapped in a damn lie
Tired of feelin' like my life is a damn game
Nigga really wanna die in the night time"
I love this song particularly because it's completely true. I'm tired of my mind. It's exhausting.
And the courtroom situation. I kept myself together in the courtroom. I lost the case too despite overwhelming evidence. It wasn't even that though. It was that comment that stuck with me even now. I had my mom with me and she had to hold me while I balled my eyes out cause I was so sick of being treated like that because of my fucking face. For a long time I lost my faith in black men (I'm black) I vented to a guy I knew and asked him straight up is this how black men are. My father treated me like this, black men had called me names etc. He sat me down and swore to me that not all of them are like that. I had to learn to trust them again. I'm getting emotional thinking about this now so I'm gonna have to stop but thank you for listening. I'm sorry for spammimg you with my sob story

I probably would have lost it in the court room, damn that is heavy shit. Well the song is from a german rapper widely unknown to most people (as it often is with good stuff) called "Prezident" with the title "Bukowski, wenn er Blumen pflückt". Prezi is a one of a kind rapper to me & basically is a very grounded, alcoholic & depressed guy and the lyrics are on point and hit home. But I really have to say that it is hard to understand if you are not at least fluent in german.

He uses the german language so nicely. Lines I very much like are also: "What the hell is grass? I only know of green snow, somehow it is always winter when I go outside my door" or "I dont even go in the shower without bottle (alcohol), bite it in its neck and it bleeds out into my throat" (referring to the bottle, in german a bottle is female, so i had to use it and its in english i guess?) and "Do you believe in true love? No? (Do you believe) In philandering, in laying in each others arms when the endorphins are hammering?"

 

[Severen]

It's just how I interpret you sometimes
I can see your point to a degree but I lurk here a lot and you seem to focus on the negative aspects of things a lot. Even more than I do. I've been called out on it too so I try to change it up.

I admire the way you reacted to my comments. You were being very civilized. In the future, I will refrain from responding to your threads in the same way again in the future.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

I admire the way you reacted to my comments. You were being very civilized. In the future, I will refrain from responding to your threads in the same way again in the future.

Lol. In a different time I would have popped off but I learned that arguing doesn't really help the situation. Neither side agrees and it leads to unnecessary tension. You don't need to. Your words are your words. If you think them (and it's not racist or sexist) then you're more than welcome to respond in any matter you like. Vice versa :)

 

[Severen]

Lol. In a different time I would have popped off but I learned that arguing doesn't really help the situation. Neither side agrees and it leads to unnecessary tension. You don't need to. Your words are your words. If you think them (and it's not racist or sexist) then you're more than welcome to respond in any matter you like. Vice versa :)

Nah, it's okay. I still can accomplish my goals here without making you feel uncomfortable.

 

[any%]

@DepressionsAHo I am glad that you shared that "sob" story here :) Do not be sorry. And you learned quite the lesson with the arguing doesnt really help the situation-bit. I wish I could not only be that wise but also act after it.

 

[Final Escape]

I went and got myself involved with this guy i met on my travels. He's stupidly kind and a damn near perfect gentleman. I actually really like him but obviously, that's a burden for us suicidal people. I just got over the guilt of leaving my mom behind. I don't want to add another person to my list. I'm not really looking for comments or responses it's just.. idk. I don't wanna just stop talking to him. He's comfortable and inviting and gorgeous beyond belief. I don't wanna destroy anymore people when I eventually leave this world behind.
Fuck
Me.

Yay

 

[DoomedxFromBirth]

I recently met someone who's a nice guy. I almost feel sorry for him because he obviously doesn't know I'm ready to ctb. I feel it's unfair to date because I'm a complete weirdo.

Nothing wrong with being a weirdo. We're actually the best people in my opinion.

 

[TiredHorse]

I went and got myself involved with this guy i met on my travels. He's stupidly kind and a damn near perfect gentleman. I actually really like him but obviously, that's a burden for us suicidal people. I just got over the guilt of leaving my mom behind. I don't want to add another person to my list. I'm not really looking for comments or responses it's just.. idk. I don't wanna just stop talking to him. He's comfortable and inviting and gorgeous beyond belief. I don't wanna destroy anymore people when I eventually leave this world behind.
Fuck
Me.

Maybe stay with him for as long as his company remains comforting? Trust him, as one adult to another, to understand that any relationship means both taking risks and assuming responsibility for those risks. If he gets hurt --we all get hurt. If he turns out to be what your soul needs to carry on --hey, that's a win for you both.

If he sees something in you, trust him. Don't write him off as blind or delusional just because you can't see yourself in that same way. Remember that mirrors don't show us truth, the image is reversed; others see us completely differently and often more accurately. I made that mistake, distrusting my beloved's good opinion of me, and it is part of what cost me my 24 year marriage.

And good luck, with whatever you choose to do about it. But as someone who is shatteringly lonely and cannot even imagine meeting someone so comforting and attractive as you describe, I hope you accept him in your life and find in him the happiness to carry on for a while longer.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

Maybe stay with him for as long as his company remains comforting? Trust him, as one adult to another, to understand that any relationship means both taking risks and assuming responsibility for those risks. If he gets hurt --we all get hurt. If he turns out to be what your soul needs to carry on --hey, that's a win for you both.

If he sees something in you, trust him. Don't write him off as blind or delusional just because you can't see yourself in that same way. Remember that mirrors don't show us truth, the image is reversed; others see us completely differently and often more accurately. I made that mistake, distrusting my beloved's good opinion of me, and it is part of what cost me my 24 year marriage.

And good luck, with whatever you choose to do about it. But as someone who is shatteringly lonely and cannot even imagine meeting someone so comforting and attractive as you describe, I hope you accept him in your life and find in him the happiness to carry on for a while longer.

In a way I feel like that's putting so much on another. I have breakdowns every once in a while. My mind isn't stable or in control a lot and Ive always told people, you have to love yourself enough for both of you. It's not fair for one person to be the reason your living (I'm not saying he is cause it's still new) but. I dunno. Maybe I'm just rambling. Maybe you're right and I can learn to love myself. It just seems like a task and a half. Not to mention my utter lack of being able to keep a job. I don't know how to get over that. I'm 21 years old, started working at 17 and I've gotten fired from 98% of the jobs I've had and it's a lot. Saying it sounds so dumb but I want to have a happy life, a stable job that I can keep for more then 2 months. It seems no matter how hard I try, nothing works out for me. You've read my story and I've read yours. There's no need for me to repeat but I must say. Much love tiredhorse. Keep being stellar <3

Yay

Always with the positivity final. We may disagree sometimes but I still think you're dope

 

[TiredHorse]

In a way I feel like that's putting so much on another. I have breakdowns every once in a while. My mind isn't stable or in control a lot and Ive always told people, you have to love yourself enough for both of you. It's not fair for one person to be the reason your living (I'm not saying he is cause it's still new) but. I dunno. Maybe I'm just rambling. Maybe you're right and I can learn to love myself. It just seems like a task and a half. Not to mention my utter lack of being able to keep a job. I don't know how to get over that. I'm 21 years old, started working at 17 and I've gotten fired from 98% of the jobs I've had and it's a lot. Saying it sounds so dumb but I want to have a happy life, a stable job that I can keep for more then 2 months. It seems no matter how hard I try, nothing works out for me.

Not to be combative, but entirely as an intellectual discussion: I don't know that I agree with "you have to love yourself enough for both of you." I've never been able to love myself, but I do know that the closest I've come was when I was in a good relationship with positive feedback from my beloved. It made me feel important and worthwhile and good, because I was part of something that was important and worthwhile and good. My self-respect, self-esteem, and self-confidence were much, much higher than at any other time in my life. Nothing was perfect, and I would never have said that I loved myself, but I was very proud of who I was and what I could bring to the partnership. It was incredibly fulfilling, despite my depression (and my ex's awareness and tolerance of it). If this new relationship you have offers you some of that, might it be a good way to bootstrap yourself into a state approximating self-love?

And yes, it'll be a task and a half! No doubt about that. But maybe worth it?

As for whether it's "fair," fair is highly subjective. If I have a million dollars and I'm starving, and you have truck full of food but need money for the truck repairs so you can survive financially, is it fair for you to ask me $1000 for a meal? You have what I need; I have what you need and can lose it without harm to me. Win/win. He thinks well of you and takes comfort from your presence in his life. Is it worth it to him to help you climb out of a hole? If he says yes, then it's fair.

I suppose I should ask: have you found a job you love and been fired from it? If you've only been fired from jobs-for-the-sake-of-jobs, I wouldn't lose too much sleep. Yes, it can be devastating to self-esteem --whoo-ee, do I know that one!-- but give yourself some time. I don't mean to be a Pollyanna, but I wouldn't sweat the job situation. Not at 21. Hell, at 21 I was freelancing teaching rock climbing in the winter, living on ramen noodles and PowerBars, and stuffing bait-bags on lobsterboats in the summer. Hardly careers with much future. Things can get better.

Anyway, I'm just tossing annoyingly optimistic, dangerously pro-life ideas out there because I think someone I think well of --you!-- may have stumbled upon a seed of potential happiness, and I'd hate to see you walk away from it if there's a chance it could grow into something worthwhile. You deserve better than you think you do.

Whatever you decide to do after consideration, you know yourself better than I do, and I can't fault you for your decision.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

Not to be combative, but entirely as an intellectual discussion: I don't know that I agree with "you have to love yourself enough for both of you." I've never been able to love myself, but I do know that the closest I've come was when I was in a good relationship with positive feedback from my beloved. It made me feel important and worthwhile and good, because I was part of something that was important and worthwhile and good. My self-respect, self-esteem, and self-confidence were much, much higher than at any other time in my life. Nothing was perfect, and I would never have said that I loved myself, but I was very proud of who I was and what I could bring to the partnership. It was incredibly fulfilling, despite my depression (and my ex's awareness and tolerance of it). If this new relationship you have offers you some of that, might it be a good way to bootstrap yourself into a state approximating self-love?

And yes, it'll be a task and a half! No doubt about that. But maybe worth it?

As for whether it's "fair," fair is highly subjective. If I have a million dollars and I'm starving, and you have truck full of food but need money for the truck repairs so you can survive financially, is it fair for you to ask me $1000 for a meal? You have what I need; I have what you need and can lose it without harm to me. Win/win. He thinks well of you and takes comfort from your presence in his life. Is it worth it to him to help you climb out of a hole? If he says yes, then it's fair.

I suppose I should ask: have you found a job you love and been fired from it? If you've only been fired from jobs-for-the-sake-of-jobs, I wouldn't lose too much sleep. Yes, it can be devastating to self-esteem --whoo-ee, do I know that one!-- but give yourself some time. I don't mean to be a Pollyanna, but I wouldn't sweat the job situation. Not at 21. Hell, at 21 I was freelancing teaching rock climbing in the winter, living on ramen noodles and PowerBars, and stuffing bait-bags on lobsterboats in the summer. Hardly careers with much future. Things can get better.

Anyway, I'm just tossing annoyingly optimistic, dangerously pro-life ideas out there because I think someone I think well of --you!-- may have stumbled upon a seed of potential happiness, and I'd hate to see you walk away from it if there's a chance it could grow into something worthwhile. You deserve better than you think you do.

Whatever you decide to do after consideration, you know yourself better than I do, and I can't fault you for your decision.

Yes, I have. I want to be in the FBI or somewhere along that field or human rights lawyer. However, I also LOVE driving and everything car related. I got myself a job working at a company where that was pretty much all I did. Sure I got tired cause I was working 16 hours a day and in school but man, I was driving AMG'S, Porsches, jags, every performance car you could think of. It was a dream "working my way through college job". It paid me well and I was happy doing it. I had a boss who didn't like me very much because I forgot to set my alarm for the proper time to come in because I was doing finals. Long story short, I showed up 2 hours late on my first day. I was given an ok And after that, I tried my best to get along with everybody and do everything correctly but word started to spread I wasn't very nice (I'm autistic with a bad habit of telling what are clear to me jokes but others don't realize they are) I was put on a 30 day get better or get fired and I repeatedly made huge, huge mistakes till eventually, I was fired. But huge mistakes are my specialty. It's what I try hard not to do but I do anyway. I try to explain things to people but I get mixed up in my words which leads them to being offended. People don't usually like me long term which is why I've had 2 lasting friendship's in my entire life plus the depression and possibly borderline. I'm a walking disaster. The fields I want to get in require security clearance, utmost professionalism etc etc. Im fully aware I'm intelligent enough to get into them but executing my work is not something I'm sure I'm able to do and that's my biggest reason for suicide. It sounds stupid typing it out but, it is. Yes I'm young and only recently have these"your brain is not fully developed till your 25 comments" got to me. Hell, in my most desperate of moments I don't even know if I'll make it to 25. I didn't think I'd live to be 21 even. I don't know if at 25 my life will change and I'll be able to maintain a steady employment or whether that's hope or SI kicking in. Sigh. I don't know...
You don't sound pro lifey lol. As long as you're not spitting Bible verses at Me and telling me how selfish I am, any conversation Is welcome here. I wasn't expecting replies though. I'm surprised at the amount who commented

 

[Severen]

Yes I'm young and only recently have these"your brain is not fully developed till your 25 comments" got to me.

It doesn't mean everyone who is under the age of 25 is an idiot. It just means your brain hasn't reached it's full potential yet. I was an idiot when I was under the age of 25 but that's just me. Some people were gifted better brains than mine at birth.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

It doesn't mean everyone who is under the age of 25 is an idiot. It just means your brain hasn't reached it's full potential yet. I was an idiot when I was under the age of 25 but that's just me. Some people were gifted better brains than mine at birth.

I know. And now I'm questioning if waiting 4 more years and.... Living.. will be worth it or I'll regret it. I say to other people on here that if you have the slightest of doubts, don't go through with suicide but fuck me if that isn't hard. 4 whole years living in my head. I guess I'm not just eating, but devouring my own words.
Just from this conversation.


Fuck lol

 

[TiredHorse]

I say to other people on here that if you have the slightest of doubts, don't go through with suicide but fuck me if that isn't hard.

Whew! Ain't that the truth?!

Damn, that's a serious drag about your dream job not panning out. I'm really sorry. I don't know what to say beyond that. I could go all Pollyanna on you, with any number of cliché platitudes, but I don't think that's productive, is it?

I can't say anything about holding off CTB for X years until... something. Some arbitrary landmark arrives. I first tried when I was 15, so it isn't as if I can say "you're too young" without being a hypocrite.

I do hope you can hang on, and if this fellow you're with helps, I say accept his affection as much as you can. There'll come a time when you can't avoid The Talk, when you need to tell him you've been suicidal, but don't rush it, don't force it, and who knows? Maybe he'll say "yeah, that's been obvious, and I love you anyway." At which point you just need to go from there. Or maybe he'll bolt, and that solves the equation quite simply. But I guess I'm trying to suggest that you not cut-and-run until the situation is utterly untenable.

Life has handed you a moment of joy and comfort. Accept it at face value.