Well aware of my delusions, but just don't know how to get better

[TheExpression]

I'm very well aware of the issues I have. I've been going to therapy and taking all kinds of pills since my early teens. But over time I feel i've only been getting worse and worse.
I strongly believe people are made up of two parts; a sort of logical objective part and an emotional subjective part. Both are equally valuable but there can be an imbalance.
Objectively I know not everyone on this planet I meet hates me. I know not everyone is secretly conspiring against me. (Kind of unlikely.) In fact, I believe most people have good intentions (note: good intentions don't always lead to good or 'moral' actions though). But subjectively, these anxieties always manage to creep up on me. I over-analyze every single thing in every single interaction I have with people. A simple roll with the eyes may lead to me intuitively recontextualizing every single interaction i've had with that person in a negative light.
I try to push back against these, let's be frank, delusions. But they're so dominating. The connections I have with people is one of the few things i like to pride myself on. But what even is the point of talking to my friends if at the end of the day i'll end up feeling miserable.
It's especially not fair of me towards other people. I feel i'm very lucky with my sizeable group of friends, and with the kinds of people that are included in it.

I do want to say I still think going to therapy is a good thing for most people. But maybe i'm just an unlucky case that cannot be helped.
"If you really are that miserable, why don't you kill yourself?" Was a joke I once heard. But I do wonder, why not? Do I have to keep living for other people? It's not an enticing idea.
Perhaps things might get better and I am still very young. But i've been struggling with suicidal ideation and depression since longer than I myself was even aware. And i've been getting help from so many different people for soooooo long. I just want to sleep.
There comes a point where someone will start questioning whether or not the help they're getting does even work at all.
I'm quite frankly of feeling isolated from the people I love. I'm tired of always having to look over my shoulder. And i'm especially tired of having these breakdowns.

I've always been a huge procrastinator, and I feel it even extends to my eventual suicide.
The amount of times i've put my head through the noose to only chicken out.
Perhaps a part of me is afraid? Maybe it's just a case of my deeply entrenched survival instincts trying to spare me?
Who's to say that these survival instincts and my fear of death aren't the irrational aspects of me in this situation? Am I simply not being pragmatic for wanting to make an end to my misery this way?
"These things pass. You'll get better." Do they? Is it not reasonable for me to think that after 10+ years of feeling awful and getting psychiatric help that things might not get better. Not everyone is as lucky as me to be getting all this help, yet it's going nowhere.

I thought it might be ironic to hang myself on my birthday which is soon. I've always felt having a sense of humour about things is important. Even if my jokes tend to be underlaid with an obvious bitterness.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have been through a lot and I am sorry that you are suffering. I know that it can be dreadful when everything seems hopeless. I understand that it is hard to carry on when you are tired of everything, I just want to sleep as well. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[CommitSudoku]

I can relate to the first part of what you wrote, I used to feel that all the time and I hated how when I had friends I didn't feel I was ever grateful enough for their presence even though I was immensely grateful. Part of the reason I've cut myself off and let relationships die (the other part being I can't/don't plan to be here long).

I do want to say I still think going to therapy is a good thing for most people. But maybe i'm just an unlucky case that cannot be helped.
"If you really are that miserable, why don't you kill yourself?" Was a joke I once heard. But I do wonder, why not? Do I have to keep living for other people? It's not an enticing idea.
Perhaps things might get better and I am still very young. But i've been struggling with suicidal ideation and depression since longer than I myself was even aware. And i've been getting help from so many different people for soooooo long. I just want to sleep.
There comes a point where someone will start questioning whether or not the help they're getting does even work at all.
I'm quite frankly of feeling isolated from the people I love. I'm tired of always having to look over my shoulder. And i'm especially tired of having these breakdowns.

The first sentence here made me think of those commercials that mention "treatment resistant depression" - perhaps you have therapy resistance as well. I wonder the "why not" as well, but for me I know the answer and it's because a few things keep me here or unexpectedly trap me and then the methods readily available are painful and subject to error. If it was only a matter of just going, a lot of us probably would be gone, but it's so much harder. I don't know about living for people. We probably all do for some extent, and I feel it's unhealthy in some ways. I'm very tired as well and wish I had any idea of how to help you but it sounds like you've been trying even more than me which is all the more exhausting, even just thinking of it is exhausting. Good on you for trying so much, I'm sorry it hasn't helped still.

I've always been a huge procrastinator, and I feel it even extends to my eventual suicide.
The amount of times i've put my head through the noose to only chicken out.
Perhaps a part of me is afraid? Maybe it's just a case of my deeply entrenched survival instincts trying to spare me?
Who's to say that these survival instincts and my fear of death aren't the irrational aspects of me in this situation? Am I simply not being pragmatic for wanting to make an end to my misery this way?
"These things pass. You'll get better." Do they? Is it not reasonable for me to think that after 10+ years of feeling awful and getting psychiatric help that things might not get better. Not everyone is as lucky as me to be getting all this help, yet it's going nowhere.

I thought it might be ironic to hang myself on my birthday which is soon. I've always felt having a sense of humour about things is important. Even if my jokes tend to be underlaid with an obvious bitterness.

Same quite honestly for the noose. Hanging is a scary way to go and can hurt a lot and take time to give you to think (which is our worst enemy, isn't it?). In some ways I feel our considering death is what we believe to be best for us, and isn't that what we're supposed to do in some ways? What's best for us? It's just not what other people actually want plus we don't want to hurt anyone in many cases. I've always wanted to die on my birthday, have attempted many times to no avail. At this point I'll just take things as they come and attempt when I have it in me. Best wishes whatever you decide to do and when, and though early happy birthday.