painoflife
Arcanist
- Jul 27, 2019
- 491
I'm not really sure how to even start this but I'm at the lowest point I have ever been (and that's saying something considering I had a 3 month inpatient stint earlier this year). This is a bit of a life story rant so I apologise in advance it's so long.
I've had a weird life so far, I always believed that I am different to others because I view the world in a different way. I can't stand injustice (even related to other people) and hate that we live in a world where some people treat others so badly they wish they were dead. I hate that somebody can be made to feel they have such little self worth that they devote their whole life to making life better for others rather than actually making their own life better.
I am the youngest of 3 and as soon as I was born my parents decided they hate each other and will never get along nicely. They both complain about each other to me and offload all their problems to me, I can't even tell the other one what was said as it will only cause an argument. I can't fix any of their problems or make their life better other than letting them feel listened to and validated. They don't offload to my siblings, just me. It has led me to believe that I am the reason they are unhappy and therefore they are burdening me as "punishment" because I deserve to be bogged down with it so I can't live my own life.
I guess I was always a bit messed up but then 10 years ago was raped by an ex boyfriend and this pushed me over the edge. Numerous suicide attempts (I was young and naive so they never would have worked) followed and I have never been able to get my life back on track. 2 years ago a friend suddenly CTB and the effect it had on me was a wake up call, made me see the after effect of a death and I didn't want to put people through that. I went to the GP and asked for help, was passed around between GP and CMHT services for a long time and am now solely under the CMHT.
I let slip I had a plan to CTB in July and 5 days later ended up as a voluntary (or else get sectioned) inpatient which lasted 3 months despite being told when I agreed that I would be out in 2 weeks. Still managed 3 attempts and self harmed a lot while in inpatient and was kicked out because I couldn't keep myself safe there. I thought that once I was in their care they would take steps to make sure I was safe but it seems that the NHS don't work that way.
On 4 December was the 10 year anniversary of being raped so I planned to CTB, there seemed no better fitting day and I felt I couldn't carry on any longer. I think a lot about things and always worry it is the wrong decision so I text a helpline and just asked to chat with them, didn't want any pro life advice so just stayed fairly safe with what I said. They ended up calling the police who turned up at my door followed by an ambulance. Paramedics stayed 3 hours waiting for AMHP to return their call to come and section me, they ended up saying contact the home treatment team who just said go to sleep and we will contact me tomorrow as it was 5am by this point. Somebody came to see me the next day and said I need to be in hospital so will put a request in for a bed (I have no choice).
I didn't go to my appointment yesterday with my care co because I have nothing new to say to him, and I told him that when he rang me. He told me I had to go to an emergency appointment today with a psychiatrist. I went and was told that the problems I have aren't something they can treat, its part of who I am. I always thought this but to have it confirmed it like someone saying "it's your own fault you are so miserable". I have never wanted to die more and feel I have no other option as I can't live like this anymore, it's a pointless existence.
It's like I experience things in a different way to others, I wonder how they can't have the same reaction as me to something and wonder why I am the odd one out. I just don't want to hurt people when I CTB but its inevitable. I wish more people could understand that it would be a good thing for me and would finally stop this suffering I feel every day. My thoughts are all over the place but the one thing I am always sure of is that I want to die (not even have existed) and be free from all this.
I've had a weird life so far, I always believed that I am different to others because I view the world in a different way. I can't stand injustice (even related to other people) and hate that we live in a world where some people treat others so badly they wish they were dead. I hate that somebody can be made to feel they have such little self worth that they devote their whole life to making life better for others rather than actually making their own life better.
I am the youngest of 3 and as soon as I was born my parents decided they hate each other and will never get along nicely. They both complain about each other to me and offload all their problems to me, I can't even tell the other one what was said as it will only cause an argument. I can't fix any of their problems or make their life better other than letting them feel listened to and validated. They don't offload to my siblings, just me. It has led me to believe that I am the reason they are unhappy and therefore they are burdening me as "punishment" because I deserve to be bogged down with it so I can't live my own life.
I guess I was always a bit messed up but then 10 years ago was raped by an ex boyfriend and this pushed me over the edge. Numerous suicide attempts (I was young and naive so they never would have worked) followed and I have never been able to get my life back on track. 2 years ago a friend suddenly CTB and the effect it had on me was a wake up call, made me see the after effect of a death and I didn't want to put people through that. I went to the GP and asked for help, was passed around between GP and CMHT services for a long time and am now solely under the CMHT.
I let slip I had a plan to CTB in July and 5 days later ended up as a voluntary (or else get sectioned) inpatient which lasted 3 months despite being told when I agreed that I would be out in 2 weeks. Still managed 3 attempts and self harmed a lot while in inpatient and was kicked out because I couldn't keep myself safe there. I thought that once I was in their care they would take steps to make sure I was safe but it seems that the NHS don't work that way.
On 4 December was the 10 year anniversary of being raped so I planned to CTB, there seemed no better fitting day and I felt I couldn't carry on any longer. I think a lot about things and always worry it is the wrong decision so I text a helpline and just asked to chat with them, didn't want any pro life advice so just stayed fairly safe with what I said. They ended up calling the police who turned up at my door followed by an ambulance. Paramedics stayed 3 hours waiting for AMHP to return their call to come and section me, they ended up saying contact the home treatment team who just said go to sleep and we will contact me tomorrow as it was 5am by this point. Somebody came to see me the next day and said I need to be in hospital so will put a request in for a bed (I have no choice).
I didn't go to my appointment yesterday with my care co because I have nothing new to say to him, and I told him that when he rang me. He told me I had to go to an emergency appointment today with a psychiatrist. I went and was told that the problems I have aren't something they can treat, its part of who I am. I always thought this but to have it confirmed it like someone saying "it's your own fault you are so miserable". I have never wanted to die more and feel I have no other option as I can't live like this anymore, it's a pointless existence.
It's like I experience things in a different way to others, I wonder how they can't have the same reaction as me to something and wonder why I am the odd one out. I just don't want to hurt people when I CTB but its inevitable. I wish more people could understand that it would be a good thing for me and would finally stop this suffering I feel every day. My thoughts are all over the place but the one thing I am always sure of is that I want to die (not even have existed) and be free from all this.
