Wearing masks

[Erin Inari]

I've been finding that I've been wearing masks for quite a while now. First starting in highschool through college and now more recently. The first period to try to kill the emotions due to them fluctuating to much and being much to strong. Now more to hide just how bad I am and what I am planning. I don't really like doing it but its what I know and for now its working, and hopefully will continue till I do end up CTB. I do find though that I can loose it when in private and also when i'm on this form, actually being me without worry; so thank you all for that. I know that it probably isn't healthy to do but I still end up doing it. Its what I've known how to do since middleschool and its worked, all be it with some consequences. I know that I should stop doing it but I just can't at this point.

 

[k75]

I'm basically a chameleon. It hit me the other day, while I was taking a taxi and the driver was happily chatting with me. My mind was full of the most gruesome self-harm thoughts, but I was able to chat back with a smile on my face. I don't even know how I do it.

 

[Erin Inari]

I know the same, not really the real gruesome thoughts but still enough to warren me being hospitalized but still talking, being nice and trying to smile.

 

[k75]

Yeah, I just can't help it. I'm bombarded by those thoughts pretty much the whole time I'm awake. But unless I go out of my way to tell people, they have no clue I'm basically dysfunctional in private.

 

[alexithymia]

I don't interact with enough people to wear a mask. I've only interacted with my parents recently and I feel bad because sometimes I can't hide it. I feel like my eyes always look dead.