Weak...

[N33dT0D13]

I am weak and it makes me want to die. My therapist is right, I don't have coping mechanisms, I'm just weak... I fear people putting in all this effort into trying to calm me down or help me not hate myself just for it to be for nothing, I don't want to let them down but it seems inevitable by virtue of me being me and doing the shit I do. I am a disappointment, everything about me is either majorly overwhelming or majorly underwhelming, I cannot just be an acceptable person, I can't exist without melting down over nothing, I hate it, I'm already broken, why can't I just finish the job? I wish I weren't such a coward. I wish I weren't so weak.

To clarify, my therapist did not call me weak, she simply pointed out me not having coping mechanisms. Mom used to call me weak and she was right. I'm tempted to call her rn but there's a chance she'd play nice instead since we haven't spoken in ages. I miss people being mean to me, everyone is too fucking nice these days and it feels like they're all lying to me. All these assholes on social media and regular media but everyone I meet is so compassionate and so sure that I don't deserve to die, bullshit, utter bullshit, they want me dead, they just can't say it cuz it feels mean, I want me dead, my mother wants me dead, my last ex wants me dead, maybe both exes, Satan and God want me dead and I should die, soon, painfully, I'm actually sick of people pretending otherwise.

...Delusion, I'm not significant enough in any way for anyone to have any strong opinion of me, let alone wanting me to die, and that just makes me wanna die more, no one would notice or care, maybe one person who would get over it in time and is better off, they know better people and wouldn't miss me too much for too long which is a selfish thing of me to say which is actually just more proof that I need to die, before I can worm my way into anyone else's life in any similar way, like the virus that I am.

The world will be better off! Without me! It hurts, because truth hurts lmao... I wish I weren't such a coward. I could do it today, right now, I could've done it hours ago and made the world a marginally better place but I'm too damn weak and selfish...

 

[N33dT0D13]

...Today started so good. I ended up hanging out with one of my neighbors, I think just cuz he wanted to hang out with godmom but she was going to sleep. Me and my neighbor talked and smoked and listened to music, it was really nice... I took the dogs on a long walk as the sun rose, it was beautiful. I actually wanted to live...

Not anymore lol, right back to wishing I never existed. Today was a waste, I tried to be productive, one thing took all day and ruined my other plans and my friend doesn't care about me and one of my dogs severely stresses me out and it's me, I'm the problem, I almost had a breakdown in public cuz I couldn't get all my shit done and I'd walked so far and felt so useless and it's me, I can't cope, I'm actually useless. I hate myself so fucking much, everyone who said I was weak was right, I'm weak and stupid and useless. At least the plan to let my friend drift away so he won't be sad is going well, he was apparently worried for a bit but we seem to be past that. I already miss him but it doesn't matter. I may not be dead soon but, I won't be his problem anymore... And then I'll be one step closer to oblivion.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Not sure really. Isn't it weaker in a way to have coping mechanisms? I feel like my coping mechanisms in life have all been about avoidance. Trying to distract myself from all the crap that was going on. Maybe it's braver to face all that stuff. Not always useful though- if you can't change it. I guess most of us get by on coping mechanisms because it's a less frightening way to live.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Being weak is ok not everyone is "strong" I'm pretty sure you have other qualities that make you strong! You're also not useless.

You're not weak for not knowing about coping mechanisms - if you wanna accept them you'll have to learn them from someone else. It's up 2 you!

 

[N33dT0D13]

Not sure really. Isn't it weaker in a way to have coping mechanisms? I feel like my coping mechanisms in life have all been about avoidance. Trying to distract myself from all the crap that was going on. Maybe it's braver to face all that stuff. Not always useful though- if you can't change it. I guess most of us get by on coping mechanisms because it's a less frightening way to live.

...This reminds me of my friend. We both suffer with heavy shame complexes, he represses and I'm just batshit lmao
I love him so much but he hurts me so much without meaning to, he's a genuinely patient and kind person but I feel so bad when I drop hints and he doesn't get it and we're both autistic but markedly different flavors of it so I worry I'm just... idk. I love him so much that it feels like I have to die to spare him from me.

Tho I am always high and watching YouTube or hanging out with neighbors so I guess I have coping mechanisms? My therapist says I don't, I don't really like her but I don't wanna discount her as a therapist, especially not this early but it seems moot cuz I still wanna die lmao

Being weak is ok not everyone is "strong" I'm pretty sure you have other qualities that make you strong! You're also not useless.

You're not weak for not knowing about coping mechanisms - if you wanna accept them you'll have to learn them from someone else. It's up 2 you!

I wonder about that, am I not useless by virtue of just being human? I believe people are equal and all have value... In theory. I just feel like my bad heavily outweighs my good.

 

[N33dT0D13]

They're so nice... I've made so many new friends and gotten closer to old friends both online and IRL and they also struggle with stuff and we all comfort each other and they're considerate and affirm that they like and value me and
it still
isn't
enough
I still feel this constant heartache... Because it will never be enough because I'm just fucking broken... Now I know they would miss me and it sucks, I don't want them to, it's nice in theory but
I have to die, I have to
I'm not good for these people, they keep trying to help me and be mindful of my shitty broken emotions... Quietly. I'll go so quietly that they can't miss me, just slowly silently detach then drop dead...
I truly hate myself in every way lmao

It's like the nicer they are to me, the more I wanna die cuz I know I don't deserve it, I keep failing them, doubting them, wanting more from them...

 

[N33dT0D13]

It hurts so much, I'm crying for no fucking reason and driving myself crazy over nothing and I'm so over it, I need to die I can't fucking stand living like this I'm tired I'M TIRED

 

[justwannadip]

I am weak and it makes me want to die. My therapist is right, I don't have coping mechanisms, I'm just weak... I fear people putting in all this effort into trying to calm me down or help me not hate myself just for it to be for nothing, I don't want to let them down but it seems inevitable by virtue of me being me and doing the shit I do. I am a disappointment, everything about me is either majorly overwhelming or majorly underwhelming, I cannot just be an acceptable person, I can't exist without melting down over nothing, I hate it, I'm already broken, why can't I just finish the job? I wish I weren't such a coward. I wish I weren't so weak.

To clarify, my therapist did not call me weak, she simply pointed out me not having coping mechanisms. Mom used to call me weak and she was right. I'm tempted to call her rn but there's a chance she'd play nice instead since we haven't spoken in ages. I miss people being mean to me, everyone is too fucking nice these days and it feels like they're all lying to me. All these assholes on social media and regular media but everyone I meet is so compassionate and so sure that I don't deserve to die, bullshit, utter bullshit, they want me dead, they just can't say it cuz it feels mean, I want me dead, my mother wants me dead, my last ex wants me dead, maybe both exes, Satan and God want me dead and I should die, soon, painfully, I'm actually sick of people pretending otherwise.

...Delusion, I'm not significant enough in any way for anyone to have any strong opinion of me, let alone wanting me to die, and that just makes me wanna die more, no one would notice or care, maybe one person who would get over it in time and is better off, they know better people and wouldn't miss me too much for too long which is a selfish thing of me to say which is actually just more proof that I need to die, before I can worm my way into anyone else's life in any similar way, like the virus that I am.

The world will be better off! Without me! It hurts, because truth hurts lmao... I wish I weren't such a coward. I could do it today, right now, I could've done it hours ago and made the world a marginally better place but I'm too damn weak and selfish...

This is how I feel as well.

 

[N33dT0D13]

...I wanna give up again. It's so selfish, I say it's cuz I don't wanna burden people but enough people claim I don't burden them for me to not really worry about it... That's a lie, I always worry about it, what's tolerable today can become grating tomorrow, but I'm also just tired of this pain in my heart... Also I severely hate myself again lmao why not just kill myself, I'll always be sad and complain and not be satisfied despite others giving me a lot and trying their best, it's more convenient for me and others for me to die...

Pro: More convenient, Con: More sad... Which outweighs the other lol

 

[N33dT0D13]

...Pfft the suicide hotline worker just hung up on me lmao that's actually hilarious
Well, I hung up but she said she had to let me go so same shit lmao

 

[Achroma]

wow that sucks,, is there anyone else you can contact maybe?

 

[JaegerCA]

...Pfft the suicide hotline worker just hung up on me lmao that's actually hilarious
Well, I hung up but she said she had to let me go so same shit lmao

"Damn, I wanted to feel like I saved someone! Well, fuck this guy..."

 

[YandereMikuMistress]

I am weak and it makes me want to die. My therapist is right, I don't have coping mechanisms, I'm just weak... I fear people putting in all this effort into trying to calm me down or help me not hate myself just for it to be for nothing, I don't want to let them down but it seems inevitable by virtue of me being me and doing the shit I do. I am a disappointment, everything about me is either majorly overwhelming or majorly underwhelming, I cannot just be an acceptable person, I can't exist without melting down over nothing, I hate it, I'm already broken, why can't I just finish the job? I wish I weren't such a coward. I wish I weren't so weak.

To clarify, my therapist did not call me weak, she simply pointed out me not having coping mechanisms. Mom used to call me weak and she was right. I'm tempted to call her rn but there's a chance she'd play nice instead since we haven't spoken in ages. I miss people being mean to me, everyone is too fucking nice these days and it feels like they're all lying to me. All these assholes on social media and regular media but everyone I meet is so compassionate and so sure that I don't deserve to die, bullshit, utter bullshit, they want me dead, they just can't say it cuz it feels mean, I want me dead, my mother wants me dead, my last ex wants me dead, maybe both exes, Satan and God want me dead and I should die, soon, painfully, I'm actually sick of people pretending otherwise.

...Delusion, I'm not significant enough in any way for anyone to have any strong opinion of me, let alone wanting me to die, and that just makes me wanna die more, no one would notice or care, maybe one person who would get over it in time and is better off, they know better people and wouldn't miss me too much for too long which is a selfish thing of me to say which is actually just more proof that I need to die, before I can worm my way into anyone else's life in any similar way, like the virus that I am.

The world will be better off! Without me! It hurts, because truth hurts lmao... I wish I weren't such a coward. I could do it today, right now, I could've done it hours ago and made the world a marginally better place but I'm too damn weak and selfish...

Indescribably I get this, though im selfishly dragging down somone, it's all fucked up, I don't want to but the trauma is Inevitable,, and man I'm doing everyhing I can for that not to happen agh but ya know in the process of keeping up with that I know I'll break because fuck I'm weak, seemingly to fucking weak to not loose my shit every week or month, genetics are a hell of a thing because I won't ever get to trust my own "feelings"

Just moved and now this is the real show, as now there is no where to hide, there's no where to cry,yell,scream, visibly i must stay smiling and playing pretend, and this mask is bound to slip but just when will it, I've got no one but this one thing,, they wanted me to get rid of it all to keep me, I didn't have to "get rid" of much as I already do that without trying, i kept people at a good personal distance from whatever my life is,, but again this mask is bound to fall as I can't maintain anything really,, I don't necessarily think people want me to die but I don't think they would fuckin stop what there doing to really even have a thought about my death like you know it's not as if they care or don't care it's like when people see sappy sad articles about somones death or some lost cat, people sympathize but not literally its just more so expected, people are fake to themselves even because of that, I really do think a big majority of people only outwardly express sympathy in a subconscious kinda way but mainly because there's this subconscious expectation on how people visibly conduct themselves around others, agh I make no sense I'm just trying to basically say people only like to play the part of "caring" when it's expected, because nobody really gives a shit.