We should have never been born

[Surai]

Do you also get this feeling, that we should never had been born at all, but it just somehow slipped through the cracks and you came to be?

We try to forget. We try to forget. But what good is forgetting when we remember. When all we do is get it memorized. I just hope we don't have it memorized. Had we remembered before we were born? And after we die. Where I had for a moment believed I was already dead. Where we ran across the school yard wondering if anyone could even see us. Wondering if we were a ghost. How can we have these thoughts. If we were meant to exist in a world like this. How can anyone have these thoughts. Of something better than what is? Where we had thought, "why aren't I dead yet". Laying in a coffin. With a black tarp to match the void I'm in. Where sleep is a great escape. And getting up is only cause we can't fall back asleep. I hope it isn't to hard to die. I just hope when we do it. It isn't so painful. I just hope it doesn't last to long. I just hope we find what we are looking for. And all these thoughts that aren't really thoughts at all. They are what we should have been. All what we were meant to live in. I hope we get what we want. Living in a world where it's living beings can know they aren't meant to exist, isn't a world. It isn't a home. It's a trap. A trial. Something that is meant to be escaped from. I'm sure that is why death is part of it. I'm thankful it is.

 

[eternalpace]

I was born to parents who should never have been parents... and my conception was a mistake from the start. Unfortunately, the damage was done and I've been stuck with life for several decades. In the near future, I'm going to finally undo the mistake that was made.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

It's a trap. A trial. Something that is meant to be escaped from. I'm sure that is why death is part of it. I'm thankful it is.

This idea of life being something like a dream-like trap is a core tenant of Eastern religions like Buddhism and even Christianity to some extent, especially some of the proto-Christian gnostic sects. The Mormons that came to my door talked about getting their perfect bodies when they die.

Objectively speaking I don't think my parents should have had me and married in error. That doesn't necessarily have to be a compete hinderance in life as I see people with even arguably "bad" lives that seem to "belong" here in some way. I've always felt a deep cosmic error in my being here, a type of soul-dysphoria.

I think I may have OCD around suicide. Not that it's always bad but that my state of being, circumstances, how I leave things etc have to be in accordance with what amounts to a terms-of-service contract which if I get wrong may not leave me any less trapped.

A lot of people experience an "am I dead?" feeing on some psychedelics. That's why there was some research in their use for the terminally ill to curb their fear of death. I've had that experience but in the long run it's made life more painful as everything feels so permanent.

 

[SarahThrowsGin]

I am a revolt against universe's design (and that thing called evolution): I came to be by error and only by error could I have survived to the present day. The game called "life" is obviously broken, it could not have let something so unfit to life to endure.

Paradoxically, though, I do obtain some satisfaction from this realization, and even at being myself. I did not just survive against all odds, I thwarted the will of Creator himself. Metaphorically, of course, as I am actually an atheist.

 

[Persona3]

The game called "life" is obviously broken I think the system is stacked against us from the beginning, especially if you are neurodivergent or have other traits that set you apart from 'normal' people.

 

[SaulGoodman420]

Everyday, I didint want this, and would change it if I could

 

[rustcohle4life]

The almost a million or so people that commit suicide every year feel this way as well. We aren't special. We live in a shitty hell realm where everyone wants out.

 

[seekingsafetyxoxo]

I completely understand. I had a bilateral salpingectomy (sterilization) done last year. Afterwards I got a tattoo next to my scar that says "my pain ends with me." My only comfort is knowing I'll never have kids so they can't experience the pain I experience every day.

 

[Persona3]

The almost a million or so people that commit suicide every year feel this way as well. We aren't special. We live in a shitty hell realm where everyone wants out.

The smarter you get about life, the more you want to exit. So many times I've thought about its meaning and found myself slipping into madness. I know I'm not the only one, and I'm sure not everyone here can fully relate to it. But I think I've met a few who share a reality similar to mine

 

[rustcohle4life]

I completely understand. I had a bilateral salpingectomy (sterilization) done last year. Afterwards I got a tattoo next to my scar that says "my pain ends with me." My only comfort is knowing I'll never have kids so they can't experience the pain I experience every day.

Kudos to you. A compassionate choice in a mad world.

The smarter you get about life, the more you want to exit. So many times I've thought about its meaning and found myself slipping into madness. I know I'm not the only one, and I'm sure not everyone here can fully relate to it. But I think I've met a few who share a reality similar to mine

I wouldn't even mind if there was no meaning to it as long as i could enjoy myself while I'm here, but even that's too much to ask. We just landed in the shit realm this time around.